Spencer grabbed Ryan's wrist and forced him to stay by his side. He pulled him to the end of the couch and pushed him down, making him sit and instantly crowning himself authority figure of the day. "No, stay out here. You don't need to be hiding in your room." Signaling for Ellen to sit at the opposite end, Spencer sat in the middle and turned sideways, draping his legs across Ryan's thighs to position his feet on the armrest and placing his head in his girlfriend's lap. Along with taking liberties with the only available seating, he grabbed the remote control and turned on the television, paying no attention to whatever news channel it was set to. "We don't get to hang out in here much. We can go back to your room in a while. You mind?" Ryan shook his head, fully aware that Spencer wouldn't take yes for an answer. Spencer was already comfortable and for some reason had his heart set on laying on the couch on top of his friends, and Ryan decided not to protest.
"Ry..."
Ryan flinched slightly, almost surprised to hear Ellen's voice after she had not spoken for a while.
"You've been quiet. What's up, Kid?"
"Not too much." Ryan responded as if it was a rhetorical question, one you simply do not answer with much detail. He acted as if she was an acquaintance who inquired about his wellbeing in passing, although he knew she was a bit more serious than that.
"Ryan, you're going to talk to us."
"You sound so sure." It was more stalling, but Ryan didn't mean to come off as an asshole. He caught a glare from Ellen and decided to swallow his pride and talk. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying... I don't know." He started to stumble over his words and he jokingly took his aggression out on Spencer's leg, pretending to stab it with an imaginary knife. "How well do you guys know Brendon?"
Spencer laughed once again, making Ryan start to rethink what he wanted to ask. "He's a nice kid. We ate lunch with him all the time last year. He would just sit there and drink that coffee every day."
"Does his brother come by much?"
"Eh, not really." Spencer was in the process of motioning for Ellen to do something with the television volume. "I've heard him say random shit before, but whatever. Nothing too bad. They're brothers, I'd imagine brothers fight like that anyway."
"I don't know, Spence. Seth's a fucking prick."
"Yeah I know. How much did you talk to Bren, anyway?"
Ryan shrugged. "I dunno, we just talked a bit. He's nice, but there's just... there's something strange about him. I don't know how happy he is, really."
"Happy?" Spencer was momentarily confused by Ryan's odd concern. "He seems fine to me. He's just shy."
"Does he say much to you guys?"
"Much... like what? Ryan, you're gonna have to be a little clearer, here."
Ryan tried to hide his growing frustration. "You told me earlier that he's shy. He just never came off as shy to me."
"How so? That kid barely says anything."
"He sat next to me in homeroom, and we said a few words... then at lunch, we talked, and in the hallway... and stuff..." Ryan was deliberately avoiding all mention of history class, and working around the incident in his mind made him sound like he was deeper in thought than he really was.
"I don't know, he's always seemed shy to me. What did you talk about?"
"Do you think he's okay, guys?"
Spencer rolled his eyes, preparing to repeat himself again. "I said he's a nice kid, I guess he's okay."
"No, Spence... not like that. He's strange."
"How so? And for the love of God, just tell me what you talked about!"
"I already said, I don't think he's happy. I think he's like I was, you know? It just seems like it."
"I really think he's fine, Ryan. I never suspected anything. Did he say something to you or whatever?"
"He really didn't have to." Ryan slid down in his seat, pressing his head gently into the backrest. "I saw all this shit on his arms, guys. Like when he was reaching in his locker and his sleeves moved. It was before we talked, before homeroom."
Ellen broke her silence once again. "Like... your stuff, you mean?"
Ryan shook his head. "Not exactly. I thought I saw burns. Little blisters or something. It looked awful. It didn't look like what I used to do, though. But it's not like it would be much different."
Spencer and Ellen whispered a collective "shit" before Spencer sat up and Ellen leaned forward in thought. Spencer eyed up Ryan's face, studying him almost threateningly. "Are you sure—"
"Spencer I'm not blind! I didn't say anything to him, obviously. But we talked so much about that sweatshirt of his that he has to know that I am at least on to something... I don't know, guys." Ryan copied Ellen's action of leaning forward. With his elbows resting on his lap, he rested his forehead in his hands and tried to think of more words to say.
"Don't start fighting, guys, Ryan... you're so tense. Here." Ellen stood up and continued talking while walking over to him. "I feel awful now, you guys... I should have thought to spend more time on him, you know?" Ryan fell back against the couch again as her hands dug into his shoulders, her fingers beginning to release a day's worth of tension. "I just had no idea he was like that, Ryan."
"I really don't think you did anything wrong, though." Ryan was unable to think of anything supportive to say to his friend. He was too caught up in the pleasure in his shoulders, the pleasure that was starting to make his eyes drift shut. He didn't like how Ellen always felt a sense of responsibility for other people and how she saw it as her duty to fix everyone. She was a sweet, caring person, perhaps too caring, but Ryan didn't like how she put so much unnecessary stress on herself by making herself feel responsible for the life and happiness of everyone else. She did this so much that Ryan wondered if she ever bothered to focus on herself at all. In all honesty, Ryan thought, it indeed was strange for Ellen to not have looked at Brendon closer than she had. "You know, it's not... it's not like he asked for anything. Any help, you know. He never said anything." Ryan ducked away from the shoulder rub in order to regain his thoughts. "You can't hold it against yourself if he didn't say anything."
"You never said anything either, Ryan. You made it a point to say nothing."
"El, not now. You know I've been pretty damn successful at leaving that shit behind."
"I'm sorry Hun, I'm just trying to prove a point. There's something wrong with him, and I should have been doing more. Well, not wrong with him, just... something about his life isn't going right, you know? I usually pick up on these things."
"Baby. Listen." Spencer twisted around on the couch and pulled Ellen's head down, placing a small kiss on her ear and running his fingers through her hair. "Not your fault, okay? I mean, if we thought he was fine, it can't be that bad. No offense, Ry, but it's not like we ever thought you were okay. You really, really weren't, and it was pretty obvious to us. But Brendon, he's just... yeah, I admit, his quietness is a little on the extreme side sometimes... but if we went so long thinking nothing was up, he probably just needs a few close friends, okay?"
Ellen conceded. Her boyfriend's argument had made far more sense to her than it did to Ryan, who knew that it probably wasn't a small lack of friends that made Brendon's arms get taken over with little blisters. He chose to not respond to Spencer's theory, deciding instead to roll onto the floor directly in front of the couch. Ellen once again joined Spencer on the couch and this time she was the one sprawled out. Ryan looked to the almost muted television and let his eyes rise to the clock on the VCR that sat on top. At 4:15, they were too exhausted from the day at school to continue their conversation. Ryan pressed himself against the couch, much like he would lay against the wall if he were in his bed. With his friends by his side, he dozed off fairly painlessly with only a slight scare a couple minutes after closing his eyes, but he managed to turn over to face the couch, which solved the problem that kept him from relaxing.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ryan felt a hand press into his back and he opened his eyes, momentarily unaware of his surroundings until he realized that he and his friends had fallen asleep. He looked up to see his father hovering above him, and his eyes darted to the VCR. His father had been home for almost an hour.
"Get up. Now."
The toe of a brown shoe gently nudged Ryan's head and he lifted himself up enough to see Spencer and Ellen still asleep on the couch. "Hi Dad. We got tired."
"Yes, well, just get up." His voice was low and slowed down, but still coherent.
Ryan figured he had some time. He braced himself on the couch as he rose to his feet and stared vulnerably at his father's face. The light was not on in the kitchen and the small, curtained window above the sink was not providing a great deal of light, so the majority of the kitchen that his father stood in front of was illuminated by whatever light entered through the front windows and didn't get caught up in the living room.
"So how was it?" The man slouched as he strolled back into the kitchen, taking his usual spot beside the sink.
"School was fine, Dad. How was work?"
He nodded while bringing a blue plastic cup down from his lips. "Work. So tell me, when did my house become a hotel, Ryan?"
"We were watching some show and we just fell asleep. I'm sorry. We were going to be gone before you got home. We didn't mean to still be here."
"Your friends don't live here. I don't care if they're over. But they don't live here."
Ryan knew his father was close to no longer making sense. He turned around and rolled his eyes, fully accepting what he had always come to expect, and he tried to ignore what was said. He walked a few steps and took a bite of the sandwich that his father had sat on the counter for him. It was a small gesture, like the toast and coffee in the morning, but it was just something else that told Ryan that there was still hope for his father. Walking back toward the couch, Ryan knew his dad was not yet worth giving up on.
Ellen had been laying awake in Spencer's lap as he snored quietly and she sat up when Ryan came back into the living room. She stuck her arm out, signaling for Ryan to sit close to her. "I should get going, Hun. My parents will want me home soon for dinner and homework or whatever." Ryan nodded absently, and she tightened her arm around his upper back. "You gonna be okay? You know, Spence'll prolly take ya home with him."
"Nah I'm fine."
Ellen turned sideways, bringing her right leg onto the couch and folding it underneath her left in a half cross-legged position. Her knee pressed into the backrest and she extended her other arm to pull Ryan closer. Ryan closed his eyes and snuggled into her embrace, enjoying the feeling of arms wrapped around his small body, but part of him was just almost ready to wish that those arms belonged to someone else. He didn't have to try very hard to detect enough of Spencer's cologne to make himself feel confident about staying in his own house. Ellen's fingers were swimming though his feathery hair and she placed a small kiss on the top of his head, a small act of kindness that had become comfortably cliché since she had started doing it a few years earlier.
Spencer moved forward to stretch and wake himself up. His mind made several connections as he saw Ryan's dad in the kitchen and Ryan curled up against Ellen. He acted instinctively, quickly without thinking, and he found himself leaning forward with his face peeking over his girlfriend's shoulder. Ryan's face was unexpectedly relaxed as he smiled at Spencer and sat up with Ellen's arm still around his back.
"Fine, you can have her back, I suppose." Ryan's mouth parted in a rather large grin for Spencer.
Spencer was still trying to get his mind to work properly in his post-sleep state. "Did... something happen? What's wrong?"
"Nothin'. Dad just came home while we were sleeping and El was just saying she needs to get home."
Spencer looked at the clock and nodded, not very eager to get Ellen home much past dinner time, especially with the decent homework load she had complained about earlier. He stood up and twisted oddly to crack his back, letting out an exaggerated moan laced with a sigh. He extended both arms, one to each of his friends, and pulled them up off the couch. Still groggy, Ryan continued forward and fell against Spencer, although it hardly made the larger boy flinch. "Go get some clothes or something." Spencer used his hand to shuffle Ryan's hair around. "Just come with us. My couch is yours tonight."
"I think I'll be fine here. I'm just gonna eat and work on stuff. Watch TV in bed or something. Probably end up writing, you know. Whatever."
"Ryan. No. You know you need to come with me, Kid. Just get your stuff so we can go."
"I'm staying here. I know where to go if I need to, but I really think it's gonna be fine."
Ellen wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck and spoke softly into his ear. "I worry about you, though. I want you to go with Spence. I hate thinking about you getting hurt, and I know you're safe with Spencer."
Ryan knew his friends had a valid point but he couldn't let himself give up without a fight. He shook his head and walked to the front door. Spencer and Ellen followed him and Spencer quickly threw an arm around Ryan's waist for a hug before he pulled away again. "You get too full of yourself sometimes, you know. Or whatever. Maybe that's not the way to put it. I don't know. But I can't make you leave, especially when you think you can stay here with no problem." He opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. "I'll probably be over at El's place for a while so call me if you need me or just go to my house. My mom should be there."
"See ya tomorrow, Ry." Ellen gave Ryan a hopeful smile and followed her boyfriend to the aged Volvo that was parked on the street in front of the house.
Ryan inhaled some fresh air before closing the door and walking through the empty room to retrieve his sandwich from the kitchen. He didn't understand why his mom went through the trouble, time, and money to take almost all the family's belongings with her to her little temporary apartment when she didn't even want a divorce. She had worked out a six month lease at a small complex on the other side of town, and she had every intention of returning as soon as her husband admitted that he needed help. Ryan was still unsure why she wanted to leave her son with a full bedroom inside an empty house and store everything in a small apartment and a couple storage facilities, just like he didn't understand why she gave up so easily, but he decided to not bother asking.
Ryan took the plate from the counter and watched his dad. The man completely ignored him in favor of the drink in is hand. Remembering the morning that had died hours ago made Ryan feel a slight sense of loss over the man that had left for work that day and had not yet returned home. He tried to ignore his father's state as best he could and he quickly finished his sandwich. No matter how hard he tried, he could not make himself imagine that he was sitting with his family at the dinner table, enjoying a quiet meal, being normal.
He decided that he was determined to make it happen again. He sat the empty plate in the sink and retreated to his bedroom. He leaned over his bed in order to open the window and allow some comfortable evening air to saturate the dry stuffiness of the room that had been closed off all day. He remembered his phone hidden in his pocket and he pulled it out, unlocking the keys and finding himself partially disturbed at the number of missed calls. With his phone still on silent from school, he had apparently missed the six times that an unfamiliar number had tried to call him. He was mildly hurt that at least one of those numbers was not his mother calling to ask him how his first day of school was, but he shrugged it off and hit the send button to return the call of this creepily desperate number.
There was one ring before the call was answered. "Hey Ryan. What's up?" The vaguely familiar male voice belonged to someone that knew him, but Ryan was still in the dark.
"Not a whole lot... um, who is this?"
"Breenndon. You didn't answer earlier." He extended the first syllable of his name before stating the obvious.
Ryan's stomach seemed to tingle when he realized who it was. He couldn't suppress a large grin but he hoped it wouldn't make him sound like a fool when he spoke. "Oh, hey Bren...don. Brendon. What's up?"
Brendon laughed. "Aw, you can call me Bren. I like that."
Ryan held back a giggle that was coming naturally and he felt like a twelve year old girl. He curled up in his bed, supported by the corner formed by the two walls it was pushed up against. He stopped just short of holding his pillow against his chest and decided instead to rest his elbow on his raised knee while he held the phone. "We fell asleep when we got to my place and I still had my phone on silent so it didn't wake me up when you called."
"Ah. Yeah I got on the computer for a while but by the time Seth stole it from me, you still weren't on."
"Why'd you call so many times?"
"Just wanted to talk to ya." Brendon sounded extremely carefree and childlike, almost as he did when he was joking about his lack of walking abilities when they were sitting in homeroom.
"Well I'm here now. What's up?"
"Not much. It's just boring sitting in my room all day. Wanted someone to talk to and since I pay my own phone bill, my parents can't do a damn thing about it."
"Oh, where do you work?"
"I don't. Laugh all you want but they give me money for half-assing whatever chores they decide to give me."
Ryan smiled. "Heh, my dad gives me money too." He deliberately left off the part about the money being another attempt made out of pure guilt by his father to make up for his faults. "If you're so bored, why don't we go do something?"
"They would never let me leave, Ry. They're fucking Nazis about me going anywhere during the week. But I can sit here all night and make you waste all your phone minutes, though. So just tell me to shut up whenever you get sick of hearing me talk."
"I wanna hear... I mean, I'm bored too, and I hardly use any of my minutes because the only people I talk to are Spence and El and I'm usually with them anyway."
"Are they there now?"
"Nah, had to get Ellen home. Spence will probably stay there for a while."
"So what are you doing, then?"
"Um... talking to you... sitting on my bed... well, laying down, now..."
"Yeah."
Ryan slid down and laid on his side, finally caving in and gathering his blanket to hold in his arms. He positioned the phone on the side of his head to free up both arms to wrap comfortably around his blanket. "I'll probably watch TV and work on that paper or something."
"Want me to shut up so you can get to work?"
"No, no, I like talking to ya... yeah, I mean, yeah I can talk for quite awhile."
They did just that. Two hours flew by and they talked about whatever came to mind, from nothing to everything, mostly insignificant little things like what posters hung on the wall or what shows they liked to watch on television. Ryan felt alive the whole time. He avoided asking too many questions, afraid to know the truth about what happened to Brendon's arms and afraid to know what he was always writing about. Ryan never took his arms away from the blanket, squeezing tighter during the many long silences before either of them thought of something to say.
"Ryan, hold on for a sec. Someone's at the door."
Ryan made a small sound, unsure of whether or not Brendon could hear it. He heard a sound that he imagined was Brendon's thumb covering the bottom of his phone, which made all sound come across as extremely muffled. Nosy, Ryan pressed the phone against his ear to take whatever he could from it.
"Brend...know...fucking..." Something about homework, Ryan thought he heard, and he kept listening. The voice thundered from what he could hear, sharp and loud, angry at something. From what Ryan could tell, it didn't sound like Seth, it was more feminine. He heard Brendon's voice pick up, but could only catch a few hints of words. "...out of...not...me..." Something about sleep as well, maybe. The only thing Ryan was certain of was that everyone was being loud.
The commotion ended and after a few seconds and there was another static-like noise before everything sounded clear and Brendon spoke.
"Sorry... about that. I'm so sorry." Ryan heard shame, possibly pain in the boy's voice, and he had surely lost the childlike tone from earlier. His words were shaky and accompanied by heavy, controlled breathing.
"No, no Bren... what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I need to go soon. I'm sorry." Brendon's voice was a quiet squeak and Ryan sat up with the blanket still under his arms. "Ry, you don't want to talk to me right now, anyway."
"Yes I do, Brendon. What's wrong?"
He could hear Brendon choking away cries as he tried to speak. "I just hate yelling."
"Bren, talk to me. Please. I'm here so just calm down and tell me what happened."
"I hate yelling."
"Who yelled at you?"
"I fucking hate it, Ryan."
"Brendon. Tell me. What happened. Now."
"Nothing happened."
"Then tell me why you're crying."
"I already did."
"Brendon, please... who was yelling at you?"
"My mom came in and told me to stop talking."
"But I thought they had no control over your phone?"
"They don't. But she doesn't care." Brendon's voice was strained and quiet, and Ryan could tell that he was trying to make someone think he had ended the conversation while not letting them hear him cry.
"I care, though."
"I know."
"Don't forget that."
Neither boy spoke for a couple minutes. Ryan laid back down and draped his blanket across his body because it was starting to cool down. He kept a corner of it tucked between his chest and arm after he turned onto his side and looked up at the bit of sky he could see through his open window. Through the screen he could see bright stars dotting the sky like a black satin sheet poked with holes in front of a bright light. It was a crisp evening, and he could see no clouds.
"You still here, Bren?"
There was a loud, wet sniff. "Uh huh."
"It's pretty outside."
"I'll open my window." Brendon tried to sound as upbeat as he could, but he failed miserably. Ryan heard the sound of mini blinds being pulled open and the thud of a window being pushed up. The air chilled Brendon's wet eyes and Ryan heard him inhale sharply. "It is. The stars are so nice."
"Bren?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you get so upset in class today?"
"I don't like yelling."
"I kinda figured."
"But thank you, though."
"For what?"
"What you did in there to help me."
"It did help you, then?"
"Yeah."
"I was afraid I went too far or something. I just didn't want to see you like that."
"I'm glad you did it."
"Then so am I." Ryan closed his eyes and smiled with the release of what had been his main worry for the last half of the day.
"Ry?"
"Hmm?"
"I wish you were here right now."
"I do too."
"I'm alone all the time. I don't want to be."
"I'd be with you right now if I could be."
"I would like that."
"We can talk however we can... I mean, on the phone or computer or whatever... do you use text messages?"
"Yeah. Well, yeah, I can if I have a reason."
"Do you not have many to use?"
"I have an insane amount, but I never use them. Nobody to send them to, really."
"Ah. Well, now there's someone."
"I know."
Ryan could tell that Brendon was talking through a smile, which made him bite his lip to avoid some sort of excited laughter. "If your mom wanted you to get off the phone, you probably should. I want you to stay happy like this for the rest of the night."
"I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I know it's early, but Seth is usually out somewhere and I can usually sit on the computer and pretend to do homework while I do other things. But the only reason I'm not on there now is because he decided to stay home tonight."
"Why does he get to do stuff and you don't?"
"We'll talk later, okay?"
Ryan already knew when to just accept it when Brendon didn't want to talk about something, and he was not about to force anything out of him. "Yeah. I'll see you in school. My phone is always with me if you need anything, I don't care what time it is, you can call me, alright?"
"Thank you so much, Ryan. Sleep well."
"Night, Bren."
"Goodnight."
The beep created by his phone stung Ryan's ear. It was a thousand times less soft than the voice that had taken control of his ear for the past couple hours. Ryan felt a strange sadness, like there was something he should have done or said that would have made Brendon feel even better. Ryan suddenly felt alone, and he wanted to cry. Not necessarily for all the typical reasons, but he just wanted to cry, and that way, maybe Brendon wouldn't have to. He knew he couldn't just stay in his bed and not talk to anyone. Spencer was right; Ryan couldn't stay in that house, but it was for a different reason on this night. He contemplated calling Spencer while he was busy saving Brendon's number to his contacts list. Ryan was restless, and he started hitting keys on his warm phone, hoping Brendon still had his with him.
To: Bren
Message: <3
He smiled at his own lameness as he pressed the send button, wondering how long it would take him to regret what he had just done. He sighed and stood up, laying his phone on his night stand and temporarily taking off his jacket, and he slipped into a clean shirt in hopes of being comfortable in it by morning. He pulled on some clean jeans and a pair of socks before putting his feet into his slightly beaten up pair of Vans. Ryan figured he would just walk to Spencer's and hope that his friend was home by this point.
His hand flew to his phone like a magnet as soon as he heard the telltale buzz of a newly received message. He hit the read button and a smile instantly took control of his face.
From: Bren
Message: <3 goodnight ry
Ryan wiped a few escaped tears from his cheeks and walked out of his room. His backpack was still leaning against the couch and he picked it up and slung it over his shoulder. His father was sitting on the couch, illuminated by the glow of the television.
"Where are you going?"
"Away."
"Fine by me."
"Dad, just fucking stop it."
"Don't fucking talk to me like that."
"I won't, in the morning. You won't talk to me like this either then."
Ryan flinched as the television remote came flying at him, hitting his hand with a solid crack. He wasn't even sure if it hurt since he would have been used to the pain anyway. He accepted the situation and bent down to retrieve the remote and he sat it down next to his father. Standing behind the couch, he leaned down and put an arm around his neck to give him a hug. "Goodnight Dad."
His goodbye was responded to with cold silence and he walked away from the couch. Tears started to sting his eyes as he stepped out the door and he wiped them away with his sleeve, as usual, and his attention turned toward the car in front of his house. He sighed heavily and walked up to it and the door was pushed open for him as he grew nearer.
"Spencer, why are you here?"
"I figured you would be out sooner or later so I decided to sit here and do homework by streetlight."
Ryan rolled his eyes and Spencer was able to see his slight pain. "No faith in me, huh?"
"Well it's not that, but I was right, wasn't I?"
"Goddammit Spence." Ryan let out a small sob and hugged his friend. "If I didn't have you guys, I'd be fucking lost."
"So would we, Ry."
YOU ARE READING
Infinite, sometimes
Fanfiction***DISCLAIMER*** I did not write this story, full credits go to fullcollapse.livejournal.com. i only put it here so it's easy to read. Mostly AU, high school age setting. With the help of his friends, Ryan has just learned how to like life. Brendon...
