Infinite, sometimes

9

Ryan focused on the sidewalk just as he had done the night before. His view was only interrupted by the occasional mailbox and the monotony of green next to gray led him to close his eyes and concentrate on the calm silence between Spencer and himself. It had been relatively quiet the entire morning, except for when Ryan had to assure Spencer's mother that he was, in fact, okay. Ryan's mind spun around the phone call he had with Brendon. Twelve hours ago, he thought, he had been talking to that boy, and Ryan found himself somewhat excited about school.
The car began to slow down and Ryan's eyes opened with the sound of Spencer's voice. "Just in time, looks like. Go on."
Ryan looked toward his house to see his father locking the front door. He quickly got out of the car and ran past the little old Honda in the driveway in order to catch his father before he made it into the car.
"Mornin', Son. How are you?" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet.
"I'm okay I guess. Kinda runnin' late today and I didn't know if I'd get here in time or not." Ryan accepted the twenty dollar bill that was being handed to him and shoved it into his pocket before wrapping his arms around his father's neck. His cold face smelled like shaving cream and Ryan pretended that he was choking on the smell as opposed to his own words and feelings that were being tied into knots in his throat.
"Get yourself some lunch, Kiddo. I need to get to work. You have a good day, alright?"
Ryan nodded through his hug and took one of his arms down in order to walk at his father's side until they reached the driveway. He gave his father a questioning look as if he was expecting some sort of instruction. "I guess... um... yeah, have a good day."
"You too, Kiddo. See you tonight?"
Ryan didn't feel like putting up a fight. "Yeah I guess."
The man sat down in the driver's seat and put the keys in the ignition. The car started to beep, and Ryan stepped back. "I love you, Dad."
"I love you too, Ryan. See you later."
The door was pulled shut and Ryan jogged back to Spencer's car. He climbed into the back and sat sideways with his legs stretched out across the entire seat. Spencer sat still for a second until Ryan managed to choke out a few words. "Need to get El. It's gettin' late."
"You okay, man?"
"I'm fine. Just go get her so we can get to school."
Spencer nodded and put the car in drive. Ryan turned his head and watched his house grow farther and farther away, and he took a deep breath and wiped his eyes before any tears had the chance to form. He didn't want to allow himself to get upset so early on this morning, so he decided to distract himself with his phone. He opened up a blank message and started to type instead of calling the number.
                                                To: Bren
                                                                Message: Morning, you. how r ya?
He sent the message and closed his eyes again, holding the phone in the fist that he rested against his mouth. He let his mind drift away for the couple minutes that it took to rush to Ellen's house. She opened the passenger door just in time to stop Ryan from thinking too hard about how long it was taking Brendon to reply. She sat down and greeted Spencer with a large kiss before she turned around and looked at Ryan.
"And what's up with you today?" She nudged his bony knee and smiled at him before turning around to fasten her seat belt.
"Not much. You?"
"Same. Just tired as hell."
"I slept so long last night. I don't know why I'm so tired, but I am." Ryan had an idea, though. Thinking too much tended to wear him out. He flinched as his phone beeped at him and he almost instantly hit the button to accept the message.
                                                From: Bren
                                                                Message: <3 need you
Ryan's lips quivered from a smile trying to break through and his stomach felt like he was rushing down the tallest rollercoaster drop he could imagine. He bit his finger and tried to come up with something interesting to say, but his mind didn't seem to want to work.
                                                    To: Bren
                                                                Message: You ok? almost at school, see u soon
He switched his phone to silent after sending the message and he slipped it back into his pocket. The sunlight was stabbing his eyes through the back window so he turned to face forward and watch as they approached the school. They arrived a bit sooner than they had thought, and they headed into the building to get as far as they could before the bell rang in order to avoid a bit of the rush.
Ellen noticed the satisfied smile on Ryan's face and she stopped him for a hug before they parted ways. "What's going on with my Ryan? You're acting funny."
"Heh, I don't think I even know, El. Just talk to Spence." Ryan turned his eyes to the brown haired boy who was tugging at his girlfriend's arm. "You guys get going... just talk to him, okay? Spence, tell her about last night. What we talked about."
"Sure thing, Ry. See ya later." Spencer finally succeeded in pulling Ellen along with him, toward where they needed to be.
Ryan practically jogged to his locker. He bumped into people on the way while he pulled his folder and pen out of his bag. He tossed the rest of his things to the bottom of his locker, choosing to ignore his untouched homework, and he started scanning the area for Brendon. The boy's locker was closed and the area vacant, and after about ten seconds of waiting, Ryan decided that it would be better for his nerves if he just waited for him while sitting in the back of Miss Davis's room. All thoughts of his father were pushed from his head as he strutted along on his way to homeroom like he was the king of the world. King of his own world, maybe. He sure felt like it.
Ryan grinned wildly when he noticed that Brendon was the only other person inside the room so early in the morning. Everyone else wanted to congregate in the hallways and restrooms before making their way to class. Ryan stared at the patch of brown hair that rested on top of folded arms as he walked back to the table and he smiled as he quietly sat down.
"You tired?"
Brendon shook his head in a very small but quick movement, still not lifting it to make eye contact. Ryan tilted his head down and brought his face a little closer to Brendon.
"Bren, what's up?"
Brendon shook his head again and Ryan watched him closely, noticing some very slight, sporadic shivering. His heart sank and he felt a pain in his chest when he heard that familiar, wet sniff that he had heard on the phone during their evening conversation.
Ryan watched Brendon's left hand as it gripped his upper right arm while his arms were folded. He heard it calling out to him but he knew that people would start pouring in at any time, so he positioned himself just right to be able to discreetly run his thumb along Brendon's middle finger. "Bren, please talk to me. You said you needed me... what's going on?"
No response. Ryan looked at the clock and figured he had a minute or so. He looked back to Brendon who had not moved from his position. Almost out of options and time, he sat back in his chair and laid his hand flat on Brendon's back. He kept it still for a couple seconds, waiting to see if it would elicit any sort of reaction, but there was nothing. He took another deep breath and began to slowly move his hand from side to side, in small circles, and in whatever other way seemed appropriate. He leaned forward again, his hand still forming circles and lines on Brendon's back.
"Bren, I'm worried about you." Ryan glanced up and saw that Miss Davis had walked into the room and she gave him a concerned look, but she continued about her business. "Will you please look at me, Brendon?"
This boy was not going to respond.
Ryan sighed and stood up, allowing his fingers to run along Brendon's neck as he walked away. He smiled at Miss Davis and leaned onto her desk. "Um, I don't know what's wrong with him, but since you know he's here, do you think you could... I don't know, maybe, just not call his name this morning? He was like this when I got here, I swear."
She smiled and laughed slightly. "Don't worry, Ryan. I'll leave him alone. I've seen this before, I'll let him be. Give him this." She reached over to a box of tissues and handed one to Ryan. "You guys can go out to the hall once class starts if you need to. I don't mind."
"Oh, thanks... I don't know, I don't know if he'll even talk to me. He hasn't said anything to me yet, and I really have no idea what's going on."
Miss Davis smiled again and nodded toward the back of the room. "Don't worry about it. Just go sit with him."
"Thanks." Ryan twisted the tissue around in his fingers until he got back to the table. Three people had come in, but they were very occupied with their own social lives. Ryan didn't worry. He sat down, pulling his chair directly against Brendon's, and he gently slid the tissue underneath two of Brendon's fingers. The boy quickly snapped it up and lifted his head a couple inches, still keeping it close to the one arm that remained on the table. His glasses were nowhere to be seen, and Ryan took advantage of the small movement his friend had made by looking at what he could see of Brendon's pink face. The boy was awkwardly wiping his entire face with the tissue, extremely awkward due to his apparent refusal to sit up. Ryan put his hand on his back again and decided to slide it over to Brendon's right side, a little less visible than the previous position. He continued rubbing, this time with the back of his fingers along Brendon's side, and Brendon slowly laid his head completely down again.
"Bren, I really want to know what's wrong. Would you write it down for me?"
No response.
"Look, I'm not going to make you do anything, but... just know that I'm here, okay? I'm here and I want you to talk to me, but if you don't, it's fine. I'll still be here."
Brendon nodded slightly, and a smile flashed across Ryan's face. "Miss Davis already knows you're here, so don't worry about it. She's gonna leave you alone, she already said."
"Sorry."
"For what, Bren?"
"All this."
"Don't be. I'm not mad at you. If you don't wanna talk, it's fine. Although I'll probably sit here and talk to you until class is over, but you can ignore me. Sound like a deal?"
"I won't ignore you."
"That's good to hear." Ryan was really starting to think that he now knew what it was like to be Spencer. He had to admit to being slightly annoyed by his friend's decision to hardly speak, but he couldn't get mad. He knew exactly what Brendon was probably feeling, so he continued doing the only thing he really knew how to do: doing to Brendon the things that Spencer and Ellen had done for him so many times in the past.
Miss Davis took attendance without calling on either boy. She looked at Ryan several times, smiling each time, giving him more and more confidence to continue talking to Brendon.
"So Bren, I talked to Spence about Saturday... the dance, you know..." Brendon nodded and flexed his fingers, to which Ryan responded by carefully sliding the tip of his index finger underneath the tip of Brendon's. Fairly uncomfortable given the setting, but Ryan thought it was needed. "He said him and El want us to go with them, so if you're still up for it, then... yeah, so am I." Brendon nodded again, and Ryan smiled. He looked around the room and was relieved by the fact that people really didn't seem to be paying him any attention. It had been a while since Ryan had been plagued with thoughts that everyone was constantly staring at him, criticizing his every flaw and making new ones to hate him for, but he couldn't help but to have his guard heightened a bit while he sat unnaturally close to his friend. Ryan knew how Brendon must have felt as he sat there, his face completely hidden, his mind probably working against him and making him wonder just how many people were staring or preparing to throw something at him. He had to be scared, and Ryan hoped that keeping his hand on Brendon's side would help ease at least that one worry.
"How easy will it be for you to leave the house?" Ryan didn't really expect an answer, but he wanted to try to give everything as much of a normal feeling as possible.
"I know what to do."
"What's that?"
Brendon shook his head. "It's fine. It's on the weekend, they'll let me go."
"Well, that's good. I'm kind of thinking that maybe we can all stay at my place or Spencer's or something on Friday and Saturday. Just go to the dance and then watch movies all night or something." Ryan started rubbing Brendon's fingernail with his thumb, hoping to get some sort of response. "You think that sounds good?"
Brendon nodded, and Ryan took two more of his fingers into his grip. He gave his fingers a small squeeze before letting go and sitting up. He kept his hand at Brendon's side and looked up at the clock. As soon as the bell rang, he pulled his hand away and needlessly adjusted himself in his chair to give the impression of wanting to get up. Brendon and Ryan were the last two students left in the room, and Miss Davis was headed back to them after she shut the classroom door. She sat on top of the table directly in front of them, leaning forward with her arms on her knees and placed her hand on top of Brendon's arm.
"Brendon, everyone's gone now and I'd like you to sit up."
He shook his head again, his typical response.
"No, Brendon, now I shut the door to keep people from coming in, but I can't leave it closed for more than a couple minutes. I have a class coming in here. It's just Ryan and myself right now, and I wanted to give you a chance to get yourself together before you go out there, okay?"
"Come on Bren. Sit up." Ryan resorted to lifting his friend's head up off his arms and pushing him back in his seat. He complied, but his hands followed to his face, one of them rubbing his eyes.
"Here, take this, now." Miss Davis handed Brendon another tissue. "Now what's goin' on with you, Brendon? What could possibly be this bad?" Her voice was suited for teaching preschool. She extended her hand and rubbed Brendon's left shoulder as she spoke softly. Ryan kept adding to the list of reasons why he liked this woman.
Brendon shook his head and shrugged. He gripped the tissue in his hand and pressed his fist against his mouth, pressing down on it with his nose and keeping his eyes shamefully closed. "It's nothing. It's just me. Don't worry about it."
"Now I have to ask you, Brendon, did someone do something to hurt you?"
"No, I swear it's fine." Brendon's face formed a small smile as Ryan put his arm around his shoulders. "Just a bunch of little things, really. We should go."
Brendon stood up and pushed his chair in with his leg as he wiped his nose. "I'll see ya at lunch, Ry."
Ryan nodded and stood, along with Miss Davis, and Brendon hurried out of the room. Ryan said his quick goodbyes to Miss Davis and headed to his science class, purposely forgetting his book. He knew it would be too heavy, and he had started feeling sick around the time he realized that something more than sleepiness was bothering Brendon.
The stench of dry erase markers in the science room burnt his throat and made his head hurt even worse. Ryan concentrated on the rhythm of his breathing as he tried in vain to relax. He chewed on the end of his pen instead of taking notes after the lecture began. He had sat in the back of the room this time around, and had he not been terrified of getting Brendon in trouble, he would have poured his heart out over a text message. But he had no way around it. He could manage to hide his phone somehow, but even then, he didn't even know if Brendon's phone would make any noise. It was understood that students came to school fully loaded with phones and gadgets of all types, but there were serious consequences for using them outside of lunchtime and before or after school. Ryan once again found himself longing for his computer. He wanted a friend to talk to; one that would listen to his nonsensical stream of thoughts and not complain about it. He wanted instant support from whoever happened to see his ramblings, but he was forced to swallow everything down and try to mentally sing to himself instead. He could not stop thinking about Brendon, and it didn't help that he had absolutely no idea of what could have been bothering him. Ryan felt like he was in a complete fog, and his mouth started to water. It was that telltale flash, right before you throw up, and he used his hand to push away the small amount of sweat that was gathering on his forehead.
Ryan almost jumped when he felt his phone vibrating against his leg. He watched the teacher as she paid attention to the overhead projector and he calmly slid the phone out of his pocket and hid it behind his arm on top of the table. The teacher was clueless, and Ryan looked to the screen after pressing a button.
                                                From: Bren
                                                                Message: clinic now
He found the message cryptic at first until his stomach clued him in on what Brendon had meant by 'clinic'. Realizing that a nice bit of rest might do him some good, not to mention the fact that Brendon was obviously there, Ryan raised his hand and waited to be seen.
"Yessir, question?"
"Um, I don't feel too good, I think I need to be excused." Ryan had meant to use his best sick voice, but he was surprised when he sounded relatively pathetic without even trying.
The teacher nodded toward the door. "If you must."
She continued with her lecture and Ryan bolted out of the room, followed by a couple chuckles from other students. The halls were comfortably empty and Ryan was almost distracted by the distorted reflections of light on the tile of the hallway. He entered the main office and approached the older secretary who was busy with her computer.
"Something I can do for you, Sweetie?"
"I'd just like to rest for a few minutes. I'm not feeling too good."
"Oh, well, I think the other bed is open in there still. Can I have your name?" She grabbed a clipboard from beside the computer.
"Ryan Ross."
"Okay, Ryan. Just head back there." She pointed to a small hallway off to the left. "Someone will be in in about fifteen minutes to see how you are feeling. School policy, can't give you longer than that without sending you home."
"Thanks." Ryan still sounded pathetic, unintentionally, and he slowly headed toward the clinic. As he walked through the doorway, an empty yellow cot sat across the room. He stepped in further and his attention was drawn to the left, where Brendon was laying. Ryan managed to contain his words as he quickly deposited his folder on the empty bed and walked the couple steps over to Brendon. Ryan could hear him crying now, although lightly, and he looked around the room in search of support that he was not going to find from the canisters of cotton swabs and bandages. He took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Bren, I'm here."
Brendon inhaled and sat up slowly, twisting himself to sit next to Ryan. He just barely rested against him and he leaned forward with his face parallel to the ground, putting his hands on the back of his neck. "I fucking hate my family."
"What did they do?"
"I fucking hate them."
Ryan's hand returned to Brendon's back, and this time he applied pressure and didn't have to be careful about keeping it hidden. "Bren, you need to try to calm down."
"I don't care."
Brendon coughed through his sobs, a product of not getting enough air and trying to take in too much at once. Ryan forced him to sit up and he wiped Brendon's eyes with the sleeve that he had pulled over his hand. "But I do, remember? Now, what happened at home?"
"I can't even eat without them giving me some sort of shit, Ryan."
"What do you mean?"
"I packed some food for lunch and while I was trying to have breakfast my dad made some fuckass comment about me eating too much and turning into my brother."
Ryan moved his head back and scanned Brendon from head to toe. "Bren, you have quite a ways to go before that starts to happen. You shouldn't worry about those things."
"But my parents do. If I can't make them happy, I'm fucking screwed. They already gave up on Seth. I'm all they have."
"What else happened, Bren?"
"That was it. Of course Seth made his fucking comments about whatever and made fun of me for not having friends, and he made his usual jokes when my mom gave me twenty fucking questions about everything I was going to do today." Brendon put his forehead back in his hands and sunk his teeth into his lip. "They're so disappointed with Seth, and I keep pissing them off too. I'm supposed to be the decent one. But now, fuck no, I can't be, and regardless, Seth is just going to try to fuck me over." He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to prevent more tears from making his legs wet. "And now I'm going to have to figure out how to tell them that I'm not going to college and I'm just going to be one huge fucking embarrassment, just like my goddamn brother."
Ryan put himself in Spencer's place again, and he found words and actions just a little bit easier to come by. "Okay. Come here." Ryan extended both arms and wrapped them around Brendon, who willingly fell into him. Ryan smiled and he could feel his heart break a little bit for the boy who was, for some reason, extremely bothered by a few smartass comments from people who probably should have known better. Ryan didn't see what was so bad about what Brendon confessed, but as he held the sobbing boy in his arms, he knew that there would be no convincing him to ignore it.
Ryan thought back to some of the comments his father would make about his appearance, long before he had learned to ignore them, and he started to feel what Brendon was feeling. "Bren... Bren, look at me." He used his hand on Brendon's chin to make their faces level. "I care about you. And so do Spencer and Ellen, okay? Don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't have friends. If I wasn't your friend, would I have liked being on the phone with you all night last night?"
"You liked it?"
"Of course I did." Ryan grinned in response to Brendon's small smile. "And I don't mind the text messages, either. We could do that all night and you wouldn't be caught, would you?"
Brendon shook his head, and Ryan hoped that he wasn't reverting to speechlessness again. "No, I think I could get away with that one."
"Listen, I feel kinda strange about all this... I mean, you've been upset all morning, and I don't want it to be like this. How can you get out of here? I know they will send you home if you're sick. All I need to do is call my dad and he'll tell them I can leave."
Brendon nodded. "Already covered. I have a cousin... Meredith, she's thirty and she sounds like my mom. Sent her a message, and now all I gotta do is call her and 'my mom' will let the office know that I can leave." Brendon inhaled deeply and wiped his eyes on his arm.
Ryan laughed at the little quotation marks Brendon made with his fingers as he talked. "Is that why you wanted me to come down here? So we could ditch?"
Brendon smiled the widest smile that Ryan had seen on him, and by some miracle, he was able to keep his own to a minimum.
"We just have to pretend to be sick. Someone will be back here in a couple minutes."
"Oh, all you need to do is say you feel like you're gonna puke. They really don't care."
Ryan stood up and sat down on the empty cot, close enough to lean forward and almost be able to touch noses with Brendon. "Hey Bren, I need to ask you something."
Brendon nodded while still rubbing his face. "Sure."
"When I first saw you yesterday, I was... well, fuck, just come here." He pulled Brendon's left arm down from his face and grasped the fingers that were poking out of his sleeve. Ryan shook his head and his face contorted a bit as he used every ounce of energy that he had to gently pull the sleeve up, halfway to Brendon's elbow. About ten small, raw circles dotted his arm, along with three or four partially healed wounds. He watched as Brendon's expression sank and he quickly brought his arm back into the sleeve, pinning it against his chest. "No, Bren, please..." Ryan stuck his left arm out a little, resting it on top of his leg to pull his sleeve up and turning it just right so the light would reflect off of the small, pale lines. Brendon's eyes crawled up and down Ryan's arm. "It's been a long time, really, but I still remember. Don't shut me out of this, okay? Just talk to me. Please."
Brendon grabbed two of Ryan's fingers. "I know where we can go once we leave here. It's a nice place where nobody will notice us." He reluctantly let go of Ryan's hand and assumed the fetal position on the little bed, staring at Ryan with a hopeful smile. "It will be like last night, but we won't be on the phone."
"And I will actually be with you this time."
"It's been a while since I wasn't alone."