It felt too much like summer. Ryan thought he was past his habit of waking up early and being back in bed within a half hour, and it was too uncomfortable when Spencer finally woke him up. Ryan almost wished he had not been allowed to go back to sleep in the first place.
"Man, I think you're gonna want to at least sit up, though."
"Why?" Ryan tried to stop himself from moaning. "Just let me sleep..."
"Hey." Spencer gently touched the bottom of Ryan's computer to the exposed skin on Ryan's hand. "You're gonna need to get up to use this."
"Why? I'm taking a break from that, or at least that's what I'm telling myself."
"It's about lunch time, Kid. We talked to Davis this morning and she said she can't exactly let Brendon use his phone to talk but she said she would let him and El go to her classroom during lunch to use her computer and talk to ya."
Ryan shot up as soon as he made the connection between the words 'Brendon' and 'computer,' and he decided that he officially had a favorite teacher for the first time in his life. "Thanks... why didn't you tell me when you got back this morning?"
Spencer shook his head and sat down against the wall he and Ellen had been sleeping along. "You didn't seem to be up for much conversation. I just wanted to lay with you for a while and let you do what you needed to do."
"What did you do after I was asleep?"
"Talked to your mom a bit before she left. She said you guys talked."
"Yeah."
"Said she's coming home as soon as she can instead of waiting a while for you."
"That's what she said... I hope she does."
"She said you were right... she doesn't really like being here because so much of your dad is still here, but... the argument I gave her was apparently the same one you used."
"That I'm stuck here with what she wants to stay away and avoid?"
Spencer nodded. He was afraid to say anything that might come out wrong and sound disrespectful.
"Did you get all the work?" Ryan opened his computer and he let the elderly machine flicker on and he took down his away message.
"Oh yeah, there's a ton of it... Davis is letting you off the hook for everything, as long as you promise to talk to her about all the stuff you write online."
"How does she even know about that? I like her and all, but I'm not showing her—"
"You don't need to show her. We just talked about you for a bit and I said you liked to type just about every little thing, and she said she'd figure something out for your grade, but she'd just like to talk to you about what you do. She specifically said you don't need to show her what you're not comfortable with. She's pretty great, really."
"I know she is."
"He on yet?"
"Not yet. Was he okay this morning?"
Spencer was torn between telling the truth and covering things up a little just to make Ryan worry less, but he was too afraid that the truth would end up getting back to Ryan anyway. "He was... alright, I guess. El sat in the back with him on the way there. He wasn't very happy, though, but you know how Ellen is... he'll probably get sick of her checking on him all day. He's gonna be okay, though."
Ryan shook his head. "He needs me there, though. Or he needs to be here."
"I know that's what you guys want, but... you know I'd make it possible for you if I could, right?"
"Yeah."
"I'd do anything for you, Ry. And I'd do anything for Brendon now, too... you kids need to be happy." Spencer stopped talking when Ryan started typing. "He on?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, I'll leave you alone, but listen for a sec..."
"Sure."
"Some day, me and El and you and Bren are just gonna be so happy... I think we should just all buy a house, and we can live together... just be one big group of friends, and... love..." Spencer laughed quietly. "Yeah." He was happy with the small smile on Ryan's face, and he decided to turn his attention back to his own computer after sitting it aside to wake up Ryan.
thrd i brend: <3
winter we fell: hi you
thrd i brend: how are ya?
winter we fell: just woke up. how's your day going?
thrd i brend: pretty painful, but its fine. i suppose youre okay since youve been sleeping...
at least i hope youve been sleeping?
winter we fell: i guess. i'm just... blah. yeah i just woke up.
thrd i brend: im sorry
thrd i brend: i know lunch wont last forever, but i can talk while it lasts. davis is awesome.
winter we fell: she is. thank her for me... i'm really glad she's letting you on
here. i miss ya.
thrd i brend: miss you too hun. did you go back to bed right after we left?
winter we fell: tried. couldn't get to sleep, though. so i went and talked to my mom.
thrd i brend: how was that?
winter we fell: i guess i can't say it was bad
winter we fell: we talked about a lot that i really don't want to talk about here, but i can tell you later if you want
thrd i brend: id like that
winter we fell: i think i convinced her to come home soon. instead of staying away from me and "giving me space"
thrd i brend: thats good
winter we fell: i guess she didn't want to come back right away because it
reminds her of him
thrd i brend: yeah, but what about you? you have to live there, you dont have the option of leaving for a few months because it reminds you of him
winter we fell: that's what i told her
winter we fell: and she said she'll be back soon
thrd i brend: you just want her back, dont you?
winter we fell: well, i've waited for it since the night she left
thrd i brend: im sorry hun
winter we fell: i actually thought she'd be back that night
thrd i brend: *hugs* its going to get better, though
winter we fell: i guess
winter we fell: <3
thrd i brend: well, as good as it can get... youre going to be okay, you know that? i think all this is going to work out... we will all be okay
winter we fell: i know
winter we fell: i believe you
thrd i brend: ellen says hi
winter we fell: hi ellface
winter we fell: tell her that the pants is being too good to me
thrd i brend: the pants?
winter we fell: spencer. spencerpants. the pants. yeah i know we suck lol
thrd i brend: haha ok. no you dont suck. i need a stupid name, though.
winter we fell: okay... mmmm...
thrd i brend: heh
winter we fell: how about... brendon.
thrd i brend: hey! wtf?!
winter we fell: :P nah
winter we fell: i like your name. i like calling you bren.
thrd i brend: aw
winter we fell: i can't really think of anything right now. ellface, ryface,
spencerpants... wear your glasses all the time and i'll call ya brendork.
thrd i brend: yes! perfect.
winter we fell: ha. glad you like it.
winter we fell: but yeah, anything interesting happen today?
thrd i brend: well
thrd i brend: i might have sort of fallen asleep in math class
winter we fell: i'm sorry
thrd i brend: worked my way out of a nice saturday school by explaining things and actually NOT freaking out
winter we fell: really?
winter we fell: what did you do, then?
thrd i brend: i just sat down after class and explained what happened and why i was so tired
thrd i brend: i just remembered how you always tell me to calm down, and it worked... he just said he doesnt want it to happen again and i said i was sorry and he said it was okay this time
winter we fell: did you tell him it was me?
thrd i brend: i told him i was your friend... hun he already knew about everything, so he
understood
winter we fell: how did he know? i have a different math teacher than you
thrd i brend: most people know, hun
winter we fell: fuck
thrd i brend: do you want me to tell you more?
winter we fell: about what?
thrd i brend: what people are saying
winter we fell: yes and no. but go ahead, i'm okay
thrd i brend: you sure? i worry about you
winter we fell: i'm sure. i'm not alone right now, just go ahead
thrd i brend: well, people know we are... friends... a lot of people have been asking about you
winter we fell: ...
thrd i brend: its not bad. some saw us at the dance and theyre asking why we even went after what happened, and other people are just concerned after seeing what happened while we were dancing
thrd i brend: im not used to so many people talking to me, and i dont like needing to speak for you... but everyones being really nice, and am i right when i tell them youre holding on?
winter we fell: yeah, i am... tell people that i say i have good friends
thrd i brend: i will <3
winter we fell: <3 how do people know, though?
thrd i brend: its on the news... i dont think we should watch the news for a while
winter we fell: yeah
thrd i brend: that... other guy... i guess theres stuff going on with him
thrd i brend: i know it cant fix anything and im sorry if this isnt my place to say... but... just so you know, that other guy? he is fucked, ry. he is so fucked from what he did.
winter we fell: i dont know anything about him and i dont care to, but they
just need to let him go.
thrd i brend: why?
winter we fell: like you said, it won't fix a goddamn thing, no matter what they do to him. no need to fuck his family over and make them suffer just because this guy is shit. they could burn him alive and it still won't give me a father, so why bother with it in the first place?
winter we fell: i just don't want to hear about it anymore and if they do shit to him, i'm going to have to hear it. i don't see why i should have to hear about it over and over just because they want to punish this asshole when punishing him will never do a fucking thing to give me back anything i lost
winter we fell: im sick of this retribution shit
winter we fell: it does nothing for me
thrd i brend: ryan
winter we fell: yes?
thrd i brend: theres stuff i cant say to you on here because they need to be said TO you, but
theres stuff that i can only say here because i could never say it to you because i suck. but im
going to go with that for a second here... do you have any idea how much i look up to you?
winter we fell: well, i guess not....
thrd i brend: youre not much older than me but thats not it... what you just said? i could never say that. ever. the fact that youre strong enough to say that really makes me wonder why youd even associate with me, because i could NEVER be as good as you. youre too strong, and you have already seen how incredibly weak i am
thrd i brend: its like i need you in order to function
winter we fell: is anyone watching us talk?
thrd i brend: no. davis is busy with her stuff and shes across the room.
winter we fell: ellen?
thrd i brend: she has her arm around me but shes not watching at all. she said she wants to
just let us talk. why?
winter we fell: ok. bren?
thrd i brend: yeah
winter we fell: you mean the world to me
winter we fell: by this point, i would do anything to make you happy, and i
want you to know that and never ever forget it.
thrd i brend: <33333
winter we fell: <3 but i'm not that strong. i am holding on, but i still have my
thoughts... my fucking thoughts that i can't get rid of at all, and i still have the shit i do to myself by thinking... i'm just trying to stop feeling like i'm
getting sick again.
thrd i brend: but you still have hope, right? hope for yourself and that everything will be
better?
winter we fell: i guess. if i didn't, i'd have nothing. by this point, YOU are my hope. i want us to be happy and i am just holding on to that as something to look forward to.
thrd i brend: ryan, you know how you said you think im getting better?
winter we fell: yeah
thrd i brend: i think i am, but do you know why? because of you. because i see you and i know you used to be like me and i see how strong you are right now. i want to get better for you, really, because having just myself was never enough and now that i have you i know im worth something
winter we fell: you are. you're worth everything.
thrd i brend: and you make me feel like it
winter we fell: it's about time someone does that for you
thrd i brend: i need to go in a couple minutes
winter we fell: i know. i'm sorry.
thrd i brend: its ok... you coming with the pants when he comes to get us?
winter we fell: heh of course
thrd i brend: ok. my mom replied to my email.
winter we fell: what did she say?
thrd i brend: not too much... she thanked me for "being grown up enough to send it to her and talk so nicely" and she said she would like to talk about it tonight... she said you are welcome to stay with me tonight and for some reason she said she knows i want you with me when me and her talk.
winter we fell: well, that's good...
thrd i brend: yeah. shes right, though, because i do want you with me. i dont want to fuck this up and i know you will keep me from doing just that
winter we fell: i sure will try. and i'm glad i'm staying with you tonight. i need another night out of this house.
thrd i brend: i bet you do, hun. you know i really care about you?
winter we fell: i do, and i feel the same way, i promise. i'm just.... bad at
showing it, i guess
thrd i brend: no, im bad at it... but youre great at it, remember? you made me stop feeling
worthless. you proved that someone could care about me like this.
winter we fell: there's just things i need to say but i can't say them because i'm lame and i just feel bad because it's stuff you deserve to hear because
it's true
thrd i brend: just give it some time. i understand already, and im not going to rush you. i dont even know what im doing yet, all i know is im doing what makes us both happy
winter we fell: that's what i'm doing too. thank you hun <333
thrd i brend: <333 i need to go... i really dont want to be here right now. i want to be with you, wherever i am.
winter we fell: you have my jacket, right?
thrd i brend: yeah.
winter we fell: and the shirt i gave you... i'm wearing your jacket right now,
actually.
thrd i brend: awww
winter we fell: you'll be fine. you've made it all day, now there's just a little
more... sit through the bird's class, sleep through study hall, and then you
have davis and she's awesome. and i promise we will be right outside
waiting on you after that.
thrd i brend: well, as it is right now, im going to be late to history, but davis said she would
give me a pass saying i was with her so its excused
winter we fell: why will you be late? don't you have about five minutes yet?
thrd i brend: yeah, but i want to go sit in the bathroom for a few minutes.
winter we fell: bren, why? what's wrong?
thrd i brend: no nothings wrong... i just want to rest for a bit. i promise, hun... nothings
wrong and nothing will happen... she said she will put 12:20 on the pass so i can show up 5
minutes late. im okay.
winter we fell: you promise?
thrd i brend: of course
winter we fell: you wouldn't lie to me?
thrd i brend: i will never, ever lie to you
winter we fell: ok
thrd i brend: dont worry, i have ellen... i just want to go wash my face and sit down and
breathe for a few minutes before i have to go sit through that class
winter we fell: that's fine. you see what you're saying, though?
thrd i brend: what about it?
winter we fell: this is strength, bren. you say you're not strong, but i don't
believe it... being able to know what you have to do to get by, and knowing that you CAN get by... this is what strength is.
thrd i brend: maybe
winter we fell: no, it is. i know you're getting better.
thrd i brend: i need to go now... please talk to spencer if you need to... i wish i could be there so you could talk to me, but since im not... you know what to do, because you're strong.
winter we fell: i will, hun. have a good afternoon... i'll be thinking about you, okay?
thrd i brend: ill be thinking about you to. i have been all day and i wont stop.
winter we fell: im looking forward to tonight. take care, hun.
thrd i brend: bye baby <3
winter we fell: <3333
thrd i brend signed off at 12:13:42 PM.
Ryan didn't feel like tending to his mailbox. There were too many comments and emails, and he knew that each of them would contain some sort of reference to what he had said before. He didn't feel like remembering. At some point while he was busy with Brendon, Spencer had left the room and returned with some kind of sandwich. He sat with his back against the wall and his legs stretched out, and when he noticed Ryan's stare, he slid his computer off of his lap.
"You want anything to eat? I can go make you something."
"Nah, I'm not hungry."
"You eaten at all today?"
Ryan had to think. "No, but I'm not hungry."
"Whatever you say. How's Bren?"
"Good I guess. We can now call him Brendork, because he needed a name."
"Oh, so he is one of us now."
Ryan laughed and leaned over to sit his computer on the floor, and he took his phone from off of the nightstand. "He wants to get out of there."
"I don't blame him. We'll get there early so they don't need to wait."
"Yeah." Ryan was busy with his phone because he knew Brendon wouldn't be in class so soon. "I'm told everyone knows about everything and I probably shouldn't watch the news for a while."
To: Bren
Message: im proud of you
"Yeah, it's a good idea that you don't. I talked to some people while I was at the school, but it's okay. Not many people really know you yet, but they know who you are, and they know what happened and a lot of them saw us at the dance... people are pretty sad about it. What were you doing on the phone?"
"Sending something to Bren. I'm just afraid to go back if I'm gonna have a ton of people talking to me about it. It's hard enough just making myself forget."
"It'll settle down by the time you go back. You shouldn't forget, though... I know you want to and it would feel a lot better, but... you really don't want to forget."
Ryan shrugged as his phone buzzed and he quickly looked at the message. "I don't know. I still just want to sleep for the next week."
From: Bren
Message: i hope you know how much that means to me.
you make me breathe. thank you ry <3
"What's that smile for, Kid?"
Ryan continued to grin as he held his phone out to Spencer, forcing him to stand up and take it from him. "I do know how much it means."
Spencer didn't know what was being talked about, but Brendon's message made him smile for Ryan. "What is it?"
"I told him I'm proud of him."
"For what?"
"He's better."
"Yeah, I guess. We still feel bad for not really knowing anything was up with him, though."
"It's not your fault. He said he didn't wanna bother you guys."
"Well I hope he knows it would never have bothered us."
"I think he does... I mean, he said he knew you guys cared about him because you talked to him."
Spencer grinned while looking at the text on Ryan's phone again, before handing it back to him. "You seem to always know the right thing to say to this kid, really."
"I try to. He's just... he's incredible, you know? You know why I said I'm proud of him?"
"'Cause he's getting better."
"Yeah, but... what I said to him... I thought he should feel how I felt this morning..."
"What happened this morning?" Spencer took advantage of the little bit of clear space on the bed beside Ryan, but Ryan moved over so he could have enough room to sit next to him.
"Just learned a couple things from my mom."
Spencer nodded, not wanting to speak and possibly distract his friend.
"I always knew she was aware of what I did to myself, but she actually knew that I quit..."
"You didn't tell her you quit?"
Ryan shook his head. "I never talked to her about it, I just knew she knew about it, and we were talking about Bren and she asked if he was 'like me' and I said yeah but I actually quit... and she already knew."
"How?"
"Dad told her."
"Wait, so, he knew you quit?"
"Fuck, I never even thought he realized I did it. I never thought he cared to notice or anything."
"Wow."
"But I guess he noticed when my arms started to not look like shit, and he just... called her, and they talked..."
"I'm not sure what to say..."
Ryan shook his head to stop Spencer from continuing, and he took a deep breath. "Mom said she had been trying to convince him to get me some kind of help, but he kept saying no. They both knew you guys were here for me and wouldn't let anything happen, but she was still worried.... but Dad... fuck, he just... kept telling her that he knew I would be able to get better on my own... like he believed in me, you know? Like he fucking believed in me. He told her I was strong enough to do it."
Spencer would have been too overwhelmed to speak even if he had something to respond with. The only thing he could do was drape his arm around Ryan's shoulders in some sort of lingering, sideways hug.
"She said he told her he was proud of me for stopping."
"I'm sure he is."
Ryan looked at Spencer with a half glare; part of his face communicating the fact that he didn't want Spencer to talk in present tense to try to make everything seem okay.
"No Ry, he is. I know he's proud of you, and we all are."
Ryan exhaled quietly. He didn't want to argue against something that he wanted to believe. "I just... I wanted to tell Brendon. I wanted him to hear it from me... it felt so fucking good to know that I mattered to Dad like that, but fucking hell... why couldn't I have heard it from him?"
"Sometimes people don't... say what they mean... I don't know, Ryan, I'm sorry. I mean, I know you deserve them more, but I want some of these answers, too..."
Ryan shook his head. "It's not your job to worry about this."
"This isn't about worrying or needing to do anything, it's about... just... wanting this to make sense, as much sense as it can make."
"I just want to stop thinking about this for a while."
"I read what you posted in your journal."
"Okay." Ryan nervously licked his lips. "Uh, look, I'll eat something if you want to—"
"I want you to say these things to me."
"Spencer, stop. I think there's some lasagna out there..."
Spencer stood up right after Ryan crawled over him to get off of the bed and he grabbed Ryan by the shoulders, gently, but it was enough to make him stop moving. "Ry. Talk to me."
"I can't."
"Since when can you not talk to me?" Spencer moved his hands from Ryan's arms and he pulled Ryan against him in a tight hug, "I'm here, Ryan. I always have been. I feel invisible and I'm afraid it's because you think I'm letting go of you or something, and fuck, Ryan, I... I don't want you to think you can't talk to me anymore..."
Ryan mumbled from inside Spencer's grip. "I don't think that."
"Then talk to me, Ryan. I know how you are and I could never say you're weak but damn, Ryan, you're just one person..." Spencer gently let his arms loosen as he realized that they were too tight even for Ryan's thin body. "Just talk to me."
"I've talked too much already and now all I wanna do is sleep for a week."
"You've barely talked to me at all."
"I'm sorry."
Spencer exhaled to stay calm and he used his hand on Ryan's back to start guiding him to the kitchen. "I kinda... need you, you know... and I know it's horribly selfish of me, but I... I don't know..."
"I'm not going anywhere." Ryan pulled a chair away from the table and he let himself fall down on to it. "Nowhere without you guys, anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~
"You gonna get in the back?"
Ryan nodded. His hand was already on the handle of the door as he waited for Spencer to bring the car to a complete stop.
"I figured. Is it..." Spencer quickly turned around and scanned the back seat. "Yeah it's clear for ya."
Ryan cracked the door open but he sat back in his seat. He looked over to Spencer, looking up and down his friend's face twice before awkwardly turning his gaze to the dashboard. "Love you guys."
Spencer squeezed Ryan's knee and he smiled at Ryan's oddly nervous face in an attempt to make him relax. "We love you too."
Ryan pretended to not see Brendon and Ellen heading toward the car while he quickly moved to hide in the back seat. He took a deep breath to keep himself calm while Brendon opened the door. He didn't have a reason for feeling so nervous after not seeing his friend all day, but Ryan still felt unnaturally shy as Brendon climbed in and sat down beside him.
Brendon seemed equally as nervous as Ryan and he simply clasped his hand around the hand that Ryan had purposely left laying spread out in the area between the two seats. "Hey."
"Hey." Ryan smiled and looked at the back of Ellen's seat. "How was your day?"
Brendon shrugged and casually moved Ryan's hand over to his lap so he could hold it with both of his hands. "Boring. I'm here now though, so it's fine."
"Hey Ryface." Ellen caught Ryan's attention in the side view mirror and she lifted her hand over her shoulder and behind the headrest, flexing her fingers around.
"Ellface." Ryan grinned and leaned forward, almost as if he was trained, and he stuck his head underneath her hand so she could quickly ruffle his hair.
Ryan turned his head to look at Brendon while Ellen started a quiet conversation with Spencer. As usual, Ryan couldn't help but to smile when he saw Brendon's eyes. He whispered to Brendon, somewhere between a quiet talking and a mouthing of words that only Brendon could understand. "Hello."
"Hi." Brendon whispered through a bright smile and he nervously focused his eyes on their hands, not knowing that he was staring at exactly what Ryan was looking to for assurance as well. The two of them studied the small movements of their fingers during the entire ride to Brendon's house.
Ryan eventually pulled out his key and leaned forward into the front of the car to rest his chin on Ellen's shoulder. "Can you guys do me a huge favor?"
"Sure, Kid."
"I was incredibly smart and I left all of our stuff at my house..."
"We'll get it for ya." Ellen glanced toward Spencer for confirmation, but he only stared out of the side window with his elbow resting on the door and his fingers messing with his lips. Ellen turned back around and put her hand on Ryan's leg. "I'll bring it over. All Bren's stuff, and... you're staying here tonight?"
Ryan nodded confidently but he still felt like he should ask for permission.
"You want your computer?"
"Nah, I won't need it."
"Alright, well... I miss you, Hun. Come here." Ellen awkwardly extended her arm and pulled Ryan into a hug with half of his body pressing against the seat and the other half pressed against Ellen.
"I miss you too."
"Spence had you all day and now I have to let go of ya after just a few minutes." Ellen rubbed her hand around on Ryan's back for a moment before she realized that he wasn't letting her pull away.
"No you don't." Ryan mumbled with his mouth against the back of the passenger seat.
"Here." Ellen picked up Ryan's hand and gave it to Brendon. "He's wanted to see you all day, so go on and get inside. I'll bring your stuff by sometime later... any time I should aim for?"
Brendon cleared his throat and stretched his arms in preparation for getting out of the car, lifting Ryan's arm along with his own. "I'd say any time before nine, or else my mom will probably... yeah, just... before nine's good."
"Alright. Hey, don't break Ryan or anything, he's pretty fun to have around sometimes and I'd be pretty bored if he wasn't around."
"You suck!" Ryan laughed and pushed his fist against Ellen's cheek before opening his door.
"Yeah, keep proving my point!"
Ryan pushed his door shut and looked in through Ellen's open window. "Hey, Spence..."
"Yeah?" Spencer seemed slightly impatient.
"I'll uh... talk to you later, I guess."
"Yeah."
"Pick us up tomorrow?" Ryan looked up and saw Brendon standing hesitantly in his front yard, several feet away from the car.
"Sure. I'll call."
"Thanks..." Ryan looked at Ellen and tried to smile.
Ellen leaned out the window and spoke quietly. "I'll talk to him, just go on. Bren's so excited to see you, believe me. He was such a mess all day."
"He was?"
Ellen shook her head. "Yeah, but don't worry, it wasn't bad. You know how he is, he's a lot like you, just more... I don't know. He gets these bad things in his head and he just worries to the point that he believes these things are possible. I just know he's glad to be with you again. I'll see you later tonight, Kid."
Ryan nodded and squeezed Ellen's hand before jogging around the front of the car and following Brendon up to the house. Brendon shoved him inside and quietly pushed the door shut, holding up a finger and appearing to concentrate on listening to something before yelling. "Anyone here?" Silence. "Thank God." Brendon threw his bag down at the bottom of the stairs.
"So nobody's here?"
"Not yet. No idea where Seth is, I hardly saw him today. Mom should be home any time, though, because the world ends if Brendon is home alone for five minutes. You want ice cream?" Brendon started walking toward the kitchen. "Let's get ice cream."
Ryan frowned slightly and followed his friend. "I guess. How was your day?"
"It's fine now."
"But how was school?"
Brendon shrugged and pulled two spoons out of a drawer. "I don't know. I'm fine now."
"Ellen said you were worried."
"I guess."
Ryan sat down at the table and he watched Brendon pull a bucket of strawberry ice cream out of the freezer. "I'm glad you let her know, though. Instead of just acting like nothing was wrong." He picked at the corner of the placemat that was in front of him and he glanced back and forth up to Brendon. Brendon was shoveling ice cream into a single bowl. "You, uh... you talk to her at all, or did she just know?"
"We talked a bit."
"That's good."
"I guess."
"You gonna talk to me or just keep not saying much?"
Brendon licked his fingers and shoved the ice cream back into the freezer before joining Ryan at the table with the heaping bowl. "Sorry."
"You're fine. I just missed you."
"I missed you too."
"So did anything happen today?"
"I got tired of talking to people about you because it just made me want to be with you more... and people kept saying things and I just... had a lot of time to worry about you, I guess."
"There was no reason to worry, though... Spence has never let me down, and... I don't want you to worry because he's always had some ability to just... be there, I don't know, I don't know where I'm going with this." Ryan helped himself to a large bite of ice cream. "Don't worry, though."
Brendon shrugged. "It's what I do. Ellen kept saying we're perfect together because it's looking more and more like we're the same person."
"Yeah, I do notice that you do a lot of stuff that I could just... see myself doing, I guess... but I like ya for that, you know?"
"I guess, but I don't think you're that messed up."
Ryan laughed. "You'd be surprised, but I don't think you're that bad. I just feel like... I don't know, like... well, it seems like you think you're..."
"Fucked up, yes."
Ryan cringed and brought his hand up to tug on his hair. "Well, I know I just feel better knowing that you know where I'm coming from if I tell you anything, like if... I don't know, we kinda talked about it before, I guess."
"You're cute when you don't know how to say what you want."
"I know what I want to say."
"But you don't know how to say it." Brendon lifted himself up a little bit and he put his foot on the seat and sat with his knee pulled close to his chest. "I don't even know what I want to say half the time. But no, I know what you want to say. And I think your right, I mean..." Brendon thought it was necessary to talk with a mouthful of ice cream. "We're similar and that's not usually a good thing, but it just works for us... but really, you... I can actually trust you, you know? You know what things are like and you know how I'd feel if you just left me."
"I won't leave you."
"I know, it's just... nice to know we're similar, I guess."
"It is, but since I know we're alike, I know today probably sucked for you."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I don't know." Brendon laid his spoon down and he sat back with his arms wrapped around his leg. "That fucking bird made me stop writing in class today."
"Why?"
"I don't know. She just likes to get pissed at me."
"Did you tell her you were just taking notes?"
"It was obvious that I wasn't. I hadn't looked up in fifteen minutes before she started screaming."
"I'm sorry." Ryan gently put his hand on the back of Brendon's head and slowly pulled away, letting Brendon's hair travel through his fingers. "I know that's all you really have..."
"Oh I wasn't gonna fucking stop. I just wrote when everyone else did so it looked like I was taking notes."
Ryan smiled. "Yeah, I can see you doing that. I don't like the idea of anyone giving you shit like that, though. You get enough shit here."
"I guess. I guess I'm just used to it."
"Didn't seem like you were used to it when it happened last week, though."
"I hate yelling."
"I know." Ryan folded his arms and laid them on the table, followed by his head. "What were you writing?"
"Nothing. Just some shitty lyrics."
"Can I see it?"
"Maybe later." Brendon put his leg down and he rested his head on the table similarly to Ryan, except he didn't have his head turned. His forehead rested on his arms and his nose hovered above the surface of the table. "Really don't want to do this."
"Do what?"
"Talk to her. I never talk to her."
"Maybe that's the problem."
"I don't care."
"I do."
"I know." Brendon held his breath for a moment before exhaling with a quiet sigh while Ryan gently moved some of his hair behind his ear. Ryan's fingers against his skin made Brendon shiver from the touch. "I'm just doing it for you, though."
"What's this?"
"What?"
Ryan leaned in closer and pulled Brendon's hair away from behind his ear, focusing his eyes on a small pink spot along Brendon's hairline, back behind his ear. "This here." He ran his finger over the mark and it was uniform with the rest of his skin, except for being almost unnoticeably smooth.
Brendon sat up and lifted his hand, barely needing to touch the spot before speaking. "Oh, it's from when I was five or six, maybe. I ran up to my dad to hug him and I ran into his cigarette."
"Oh."
"Yeah it kinda sucked."
Ryan nodded and listened for a second as the garage door started going up. He ignored it and he was unable to focus on anything other than the thought of Brendon trying to hug his father. He rested one elbow on the table and started to tug at his lip while his other hand ended up on Brendon's arm, and he rubbed the sleeve gently while trying to keep himself from wishing for things that could never happen. Nothing could change the past for either of them.
"I really do not want to do this."
"I'm here, Kid. It's just your mom. She made you, and she should hear what you have to say."
"I don't have anything to say."
"You have more to say than anyone I have ever known, but it makes me sick to know that I'm the first person that wants to hear you."
"Can you?"
"Can I what?"
"Hear me."
"Yes. You have an amazing voice, and I just want you to use it."
"Ryan, I—"
"For me?"
Brendon exhaled loudly and pushed himself back against his chair. Ryan's hand slid down to his and he quickly accepted Ryan's fingers. "For you."
YOU ARE READING
Infinite, sometimes
Fanfiction***DISCLAIMER*** I did not write this story, full credits go to fullcollapse.livejournal.com. i only put it here so it's easy to read. Mostly AU, high school age setting. With the help of his friends, Ryan has just learned how to like life. Brendon...
