Infinite, sometimes

32

"You'll have to look through them 'cause I just kinda put a bunch of stuff in both bags." Ellen grunted as she lifted two overstuffed book bags onto the bed. One of them was an old bag that Ryan hadn't used in years. "Bren obviously took his to school today so I had to find one to put his stuff in."
"Thanks, though." Ryan extended his finger and poked Ellen in the face before starting to unzip one of the bags.
"Everything's in there somewhere. I wasn't sure what you wanted... some clothes, toothbrush, socks... I just used my best judgment and packed what I thought could come in handy."
"Brendon..." Grace had not left the doorway since escorting Ellen up to the bedroom. "If you have a minute, there's uh..." It was obviously a little difficult for her to do this. "If you could help me fold a few bedsheets that I just washed, I'd really appreciate it. You know, they're pretty big..."
Brendon sat his book down and looked at Ryan. Ryan was standing next to Ellen, and Brendon wasn't afraid of leaving him with her. "Sure, I'll... yeah. Sure."
Grace looked slightly confused for a second. She hadn't really considered the fact that Brendon might still obey her even if she calmly made a request. She was under the impression that she had to demand that things get done, much like she had to do if there was to be any hope of getting her older son to lift a finger. Brendon smiled at his friends before he pulled the door shut with a quiet click.
Ryan turned back around to tend to the bags. "He talked to his mom today."
"Ah, anything come of it?"
"Definitely, I think there's just been a lot of misunderstandings, really... I know he's gonna be alright." Ryan slipped his hand into one of the bags and removed a stapler. "Okay, what?"
Ellen grinned and shrugged. "Hey, I didn't know what you wanted."
Ryan pulled Brendon's old clothes out of the bag and tossed them into what was obviously a basket containing dirty clothing. "I wasn't gonna ask, but where's Spencer?"
"In the car."
"Fuck." Ryan sat down next to Ellen. "Is he mad at me or something?"
"Oh no, Hun..." Ellen put her arms around Ryan's neck and gave him a much needed hug. "Nobody's mad at you at all."
"You talk to him?"
"I did... you think you'll be able to check your email here? It was a lot easier to type everything out, so it's waiting on you."
"I can see if Grace will let me. I'm sure she will... she seems to like me enough, for some reason."
"Yeah, what it just comes down to, I guess... me and Spence really love you, and you know that."
"Of course."
"We just want you to be okay right now. Both of us do."
"And I love you guys for it."
"He's just more scared than I am."
"How so?"
"I kinda went over it in the email because I didn't want to hurt Bren with anything, but since he's not here... now, I don't worry about this at all. I've talked to Bren and I trust him. He's a wonderful person even if he has some things going on, and I know with you being how you are and what's happened with you before, it's not a problem for Bren to be the way he is. But right now, at this point... Spencer's main concern is you. And mine too, really, because we both love you. But I know how you feel about Brendon—"
"You do?"
"Of course I do."
Ryan nodded and busied himself with a pair of socks to keep from thinking about things too much.
"I know how you want him to be happy, so I'm sorta trying to make sure he knows that I'm here for him just like I'm here for you, because I know you want him to know that his friends love him, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, right now, Spencer's just all about you... he's terrified that Brendon can't help you like we can, basically. But please, don't think he doesn't like Bren... he loves the kid and he was so happy when it was obvious that you two were gonna be close... but since he's never seen Brendon help you before, in his mind, he has no reason to believe that Brendon can help you through this."
"This might sound bad, but he doesn't have any faith in us at all?"
"No, he does... I think he's just kinda in survival mode right now."
Ryan nodded and pulled a fork and spoon out of his bag. He raised an eyebrow at Ellen and pressed them against her nose.
"I didn't know what you wanted me to pack! But yeah, he's just afraid that something will happen and either Brendon won't know what to do, or he won't do something, or something'll happen to you... I just think he's a little hurt that you're talking to Bren and not us."
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry. I understand... I know you trust us, and you know we're always here, but you have Brendon now, and... I guess I understand why you want him right now, and Spencer's just paranoid about things. Just read the email, I know I just repeated a lot of it but there's some other stuff in there I guess. Just make sure he gets the reply too because he knows what I wrote. I don't want you to be mad at him for it, though, because he's just so concerned about you..."
"I'm not mad at him. He makes sense."
"He does, in a way, but maybe if he hears it from you it'll make sense to him."
"I'm not sure what I'll say. I mean... it kinda scares me, really."
"Why?" Ellen lifted her hand to Ryan's back, and she watched Ryan close his eyes. Her hand on his back felt so familiar to him, and it had the same relaxing effect as it always had in the past.
"I trust you guys so much and I know you wouldn't let me get hurt or do anything that would hurt me, and if Spencer thinks this could be bad, I feel like I should trust him with it... but I really... fuck, El, I need Brendon. I don't know if you understand how much I need this kid."
Ellen stopped Ryan from putting his hands on his face by wrapping her arms around him again. "Don't even say that, Hun. I'm telling you that I know this is good for you. This whole situation has just made Spencer not really act like himself... Hun, he felt almost the same about your dad as you did, and he's been pretty upset too." Ellen couldn't resist putting her hand on the back of Ryan's head after he gently laid it on her shoulder, momentarily letting go of the strength he had been using to keep himself upright. "But I don't want his paranoia to make you have second thoughts about any of this. I know this is fine, and trust me Hun, I know how much you need Brendon. And I know how much he needs you, really. I'm not worried about it, Spence shouldn't be, and either should you."
Ryan's eyes were closed and he felt more comfortable than he had in a long time. With Brendon, he was still slightly afraid of saying the wrong thing and ruining everything they had. It was something that he knew he would get over, and he wanted it to be over soon. He didn't have to worry about hurting Ellen. "It's like I don't feel empty anymore... I'm so used to needing you guys, but now someone needs me..."
"We need you, Hun. We always have. Why do you think we loved you so much and wanted to help you? He just needs you in a different way. You need each other in a different way; it's not like you and us. It's just... you and him. And trust me when I say me and Spence want it to stay like that for you for a long time."
"I know."
"You okay, Hun?"
"Just thinking."
"Aw, Ry..." Ellen sat up a little straighter and squeezed Ryan a bit harder. "It's not always good when you think."
"I know."
"Want me to try to get Bren back in here?"
"No, it's... he's busy. You think you can just... stay with me 'til he's done?"
"Sweetie, of course I can." Ellen buried her face in Ryan's shoulder and slowly started to rock back and forth, which was a side-to-side motion for Ryan. His grip on her tightened and it became clear to her that Ryan still desperately needed—and wanted—his friends. The moment could have brought back memories of trying to hold Ryan together, but it felt different this time around, and even though Ryan had every reason in the world to temporarily let go of his sanity, Ellen was just as good as she used to be at not letting him slip away.
It also helped to know that somewhere downstairs was a boy who needed him; a boy who would not be down there if it had not been for Ryan's encouragement earlier in the day. It was the boy who smiled every time he saw Ryan's face, and knowing that he had that kind of effect on someone made Ryan feel like he had someone to continue living for. Even if he had lost the opportunity to help his father, he knew that Brendon still needed help and he knew that it had already started working. He couldn't forget the day in study hall when he had watched Brendon writing in his notebook. Ryan knew that his first conclusion about Brendon was right. Nobody was hearing what Brendon wrote, but since that changed, Brendon was able to make sense of himself.
Ryan stood up after about a minute of leaning against Ellen and smelling Spencer in her clothes. Regardless of what she said about Spencer not being mad at him, part of Ryan would always exist that would tell him to stick to believing the worst outcome in these kinds of situations. Ryan couldn't help but to be afraid that he might never smell his friend's cologne again if he continued to treat him the way he had been. Ryan and Brendon both shared a fear of being abandoned, but Brendon's occasional irrationality made his fear much more intense than he let on, and much worse than Ryan's. Ryan's sudden fear of losing Spencer had caught him off guard, and it seemed just plausible enough to make him quickly shift his thoughts to something else.
"I'm not sure what you're going for here." Ryan brought his hand out of his bag and sat a large jar candle and an unwrapped bar of soap down on the bed, next to the stapler and silverware.
"Boy, I already said, I didn't know what to pack! And hey, the candle can be romantic. Stapler, not so much. But it's useful if you need to staple things."
"Like your face."
"I'll staple YOUR face!"
Ryan gasped dramatically and lifted his hands to his cheeks. "And ruin this stunning example of perfection? I think not!"
Ellen laughed while standing up and throwing her arms around Ryan's neck. "Love you, Kid."
"Love you too." Ryan pulled out a pair of socks and they were obviously full and misshapen. He let go of Ellen, taking his arm away from her waist, and he unrolled the socks. "Or maybe I don't. I'm officially lost." Inside one sock was a handful of toothpicks. The other contained about thirty paperclips and an old roll of Bubble Tape gum that was probably fossilized after several years at the bottom of one of Ryan's dresser drawers.
Ellen shrugged innocently.
"What am I gonna find in the other bag?"
"Not much. Some clothes, appliances, toothbrush..."
"Appliances." Ryan nodded. "Shoulda figured. My house doesn't have a microwave anymore, does it?"
Ellen shrugged again and grinned.
Ryan unzipped the second bag and lifted out a couple shirts before uncovering the prize at the bottom, so to speak. "Oh my God I'm gonna put you in this!" He lifted out the blender that had, until this night, been tucked away in the cupboard above the refrigerator in his kitchen. "What is wrong with you?" Ryan tossed it down onto the bed with a grin.
"Smoothies?"
Ryan laughed and hugged his slightly eccentric friend. "Really, why did you pack the most obscure things from my house?"
"Here." Ellen spun Ryan around so he was facing the mirror in Brendon's room. She placed a finger on each corner of Ryan's mouth as he smiled. "Wanted to make you laugh."
"Well, you were showing up tonight, so I woulda laughed anyways."
"Hey!"
"God, we're lame. Seriously, this is something we would've done like three years ago."
"And I did it now. Yeah, we suck. But you laughed."
"I did."
"So I win?"
"Whatever you say."
Brendon sounded upbeat and he started talking before he had completely opened the door. "What'd I miss?"
Ryan made it a point to hug Ellen one last time before turning his attention to Brendon. He leaned down and mumbled into her hear. "Thanks."
"Anytime, Hun."
Brendon stood beside his bed with his head titled like a confused puppy. "Actually, I'm not sure if I want to know what I missed..."
"Ellen seems to think I am moving in with you, and it looks like she's started to do the hard work for me." Ryan looked down to the bed and lifted the blender. "So we can make smoothies now."
"No, remember? I said I was gonna get you that bullet... thing, from that commercial we made fun of all night."
"Oh no you won't."
"Did I miss something?" Ellen stretched and flicked Ryan's ear gently.
"Yes you did."
"I'm not gonna ask. I think the explanation would take too long, and I have a rather moody boyfriend waiting in the car."
"Yeah... I'll check my email if I can. Thanks for talking to him."
"No problem, Hun." Ellen leaned in for another hug and opportunity to talk quietly to Ryan. "And believe me, you and Bren are okay. Despite everything... in a way, I've never seen you happier. You're not gonna lose us, but don't lose Brendon, either."
"I won't. I love you guys."
"We love you too."
Brendon walked Ellen out of the bedroom and she headed downstairs after a quick hug from him. In the bedroom, Ryan was gathering paperclips and toothpicks off of the bed and laying them on top of the dresser. At the risk of Brendon's parents questioning their son's sanity, Ryan sat the blender next to the lamp on the nightstand.
"So where's the garage? I'm surprised she didn't bring that with her."
Ryan laughed while rolling the candle around in his hands, and he nervously popped the lid off of the jar. "She's been known to do stupid stuff to make me laugh."
"I love our friends... wait, are those toothpicks? I think I love our friends..."
Ryan grinned at Brendon and laughed quietly. "Me too." He lifted the candle to his face and inhaled. "Cranberry. Here, smell." He handed it to Brendon and tossed the lid to the floor. "No idea where I got a cranberry candle, but I guess Ellen finds things in my room that I never had before she started looking for them or something."
"We should light it."
Ryan didn't like the thought of fire in Brendon's room. "Why?"
Brendon shrugged. "It smells nice. Might hide the cigarette smell in here 'cause it kinda gags me sometimes."
Ryan nodded and followed Brendon out of the bedroom without question. "How'd it go downstairs?"
"Just folded a couple sheets. They have a big bed." Brendon opened the door to his parents bedroom, revealing a king sized mattress that was devoid of coverings. "She washed everything today, I guess."
"Yeah... why are we here?"
"This." Brendon ducked into the small master bathroom and resurfaced with a lighter. Ryan's heart instinctively jumped and he quickly approached Brendon. "Hey, it's fine... Ryan, I'm lighting the candle... watch me." Brendon slowly turned the jar upside down and flicked the lighter, letting the flame touch the wick.
"Just be careful."
"I know. Here, put it back." Brendon held the lighter out to Ryan, and the boy hesitantly took it.
"Why?"
"Just put it back. Right by the sink. That way you know it's put away."
Ryan squeezed the plastic and stepped into the bathroom. He carefully positioned the lighter right by the ashtray that he saw sitting on the counter, but he mostly just wanted to pocket it and get rid of it later. It was promising that Brendon wanted him to put it away, just to prove that he had no plans, but Ryan didn't like knowing that Brendon knew where to find another lighter.
"Just shut the door."
Ryan's eyes adjusted to the dimness of Brendon's room while he pulled the door shut. Brendon had laid down on the floor in the same place as earlier, but he was laying on his right side with the weight of his head and upper body resting on his elbow. His eyes traveled up from the candle that sat in front of him.
"Come over here."
"Why's the light off?"
"We have this."
"It's not very bright." Ryan slowly lowered himself to the floor and copied Brendon's position.
"It's enough. Watch your hair..." Brendon lifted his hand and pushed Ryan's hair behind his ear.
"Thanks."
Brendon smiled. "This is actually kind of warm when you're close to it."
"Yeah. It does smell good, though."
Brendon didn't have long hair to worry about, so he slid a little closer and his chest was almost against the jar. "I guess I just like watching fire."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. It does so much, but it's so quiet... it kinda dances, you know? See it, there... just... dancing?"
"Yeah."
Brendon chuckled quietly. "No you don't, you're staring at me."
"I see the reflection in your eyes."
Brendon looked down and smiled. "Watch this." Brendon rolled onto his stomach and supported himself with his arms. He lifted his right hand and held out his index finger, and he quickly ran his finger through the center of the flame.
"No! Don't... no..." Ryan's voice was shaky and he grabbed onto Brendon's finger. "Why would..."
"Ry, it's fine..." Brendon lifted his hand to Ryan's cheek and gently brushed his thumb against it. "It doesn't hurt at all. It's kinda neat, really. If you go fast enough, right through the center of the flame, you don't get hurt... try it, you'll see."
"I'm not putting my hand in fire and neither are you. I didn't even like this idea, I—"
"Hun, it's okay..." Brendon took Ryan's finger and straightened it out. "Look at me." Brendon waited until Ryan's eyes were intensely connected to his own. "I will never do anything to hurt you, okay? Ever."
Ryan nodded nervously.
"Don't resist or it'll slow it down and it will hurt... just trust me, okay?" Brendon wasn't totally aware that he was massaging Ryan's finger.
Ryan nodded again.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yeah."
"Here." Brendon passed Ryan's finger through the flame, and Ryan opened his eyes when the motion was completed. There was warmth, and nothing more. "You okay?"
"Yeah... how does that work?"
Brendon laughed and let go of Ryan's finger after squeezing it gently, and Ryan moved it back and forth through the flame himself. "I'm not even sure... all I know is you need to do it fast, and you can't touch the blue part or the wick, or else you'll be in a decent amount of pain."
"I'm sorry."
"No, it never happened to me... I just know. My mom showed me when I was little."
"She let you play with fire?" Ryan grinned and looked up, moving his finger away from the candle while he wasn't looking at it.
"Nah, there were candles on a birthday cake. I don't remember much of it, she just showed me, told me to be careful... I think it was because I was so fascinated with it and she wanted to show me how to play with it without killing anyone or burning down the house."
"It's pretty cool, though." Ryan lowered his head to look at the candle from the side as he bought his finger through the flame several more times, slowing a little each time. He concentrated on the movement of the fire each time his finger passed through, and it seemed to blow in an invisible wind that pulled it from side to side before it quickly evened out and just kept burning. "Fuck!" Ryan laughed at himself and jerked his hand away quickly, only to have it grabbed by Brendon.
"Oh shit are you alright?"
"I'm fine, just went a little too slow there." Ryan kept laughing at himself. "No big deal."
Brendon seemed to be a little more upset, and he examined Ryan's finger before pressing it against his lips. "I don't like seeing you get hurt."
"It just scared me, really. I'm fine."
Brendon held on to Ryan's hand and watched the candle a little more. "I think I could fall asleep from staring at this all night."
"Might wanna put it out first."
"Yeah."
Ryan gently pulled his hand away from Brendon so he could curl up with both of his own arms and comfortably rest his head. Brendon seemed to be deep in thought, and Ryan didn't want him to be alone in it. The reflection of the flame dancing in Brendon's eyes started to mean too much to Ryan; so much so that the thought of thinking about it threatened to make him explode with too many unidentifiable emotions. Ryan rolled over onto his back and stared at the dimly lit ceiling.
"You alright?"
Ryan nodded and rolled his head away from Brendon, and with the candle behind him, he watched his own shadow dance against the wall with the small movements of the flame.
"What's up?"
"Not much."
"You're quiet." Brendon got a heavy feeling in his stomach and he slowly pushed the candle an arm's length away, above their heads.
Ryan nodded and moved his eyes to follow the changing position of his shadow.
"Hey..." Brendon slid over so that the front of his body was against Ryan's side. He rested his head on his upper arm, and he pushed the candle further away with the back of his hand for good measure. "What's goin' on?"
Ryan shook his head and kept it turned, and he tucked his chin against his shoulder.
"Ryan..." Brendon gently laid his arm across Ryan's stomach. He latched his hand onto Ryan's upper arm and he slowly rubbed up and down. "You okay?"
No response, just Ryan slowly putting his hand on Brendon's arm.
Brendon exhaled before he whispered. "You miss him."
Ryan nodded, and Brendon's felt like his heart had been ripped out once again.
Brendon slid his right arm under Ryan's neck at the same time Ryan rolled over onto his right side. Ryan pushed himself back against Brendon and he slid down just enough so that the back of his head could rest against Brendon's chest while Brendon curled around him. He folded his arms against his own chest, but he used them to pin Brendon's arms against himself as well. Ryan turned his head enough to press his face into Brendon's arm as it laid under the side of his head, and he tried to hold his breath to make everything stop.
Brendon didn't know what to do when Ryan started to shake and cling to his arms as if they were all he had. He didn't have the security of Spencer and Ellen looking on, and in fact, he had the persistent feeling that Spencer didn't believe in him, but it was obvious that none of these situational factors would matter to Ryan. He continued to press his back against Brendon and grasp his arms, and when a small, wet sob left his lungs, Brendon knew it was up to him.
Not having his arm to prop his head up, Brendon gently sat it down on top of the side of Ryan's head, successfully pinning Ryan's head between his own and his arm. When he lifted his head slightly to speak into Ryan's ear, he could see Ryan's eyes squeezed shut. "I'm here, Ry."
Ryan responded with an even louder sob as he dug his head into Brendon's arm again, and Brendon didn't mind the pressure.
"I've got you, you know that?" Brendon resisted the urge to wrap his left leg around Ryan's, choosing instead to tighten his arms around the boy as much as he could without causing pain. "I'm not letting go."
Ryan couldn't help the fact that that flame had started a fire in his mind that wanted to burn him down with his thoughts. He felt worthless; crashing at a time when he should be showering Brendon with praise for handling himself so well all night. Ryan didn't know that someone could handle such a large explosion of emotion as the one at dinner quite as well as Brendon, of all people, had managed to do. But thoughts of his father and his life and his friends seemed to be determined to keep him from telling Brendon just how proud of him he was.
The only thing Ryan could do right then was concentrate on the feeling of Brendon's body surrounding his own while he tried to breathe, and even that wasn't working out too well. Ryan started to cough, and Brendon loosened his arms slightly, lifting his head and watching to make sure Ryan was okay. The volume of Ryan's pain grew louder, and while he knew there was nothing Ryan could do to stop it, Brendon was terrified of what could happen when someone heard. He didn't want to have thoughts of hitting anyone if they told Ryan to be quiet. When it happened to Brendon personally, he would beat himself up over it. If it happened to Ryan, he wouldn't hesitate to slam someone into a wall. Ryan was in the middle of some sort of breakdown triggered by something that Brendon couldn't identify, and he wanted nothing more than to just let Ryan stay in his arms until everything blew over. Judging by the grip that Ryan had on Brendon's arms, the feeling was more than mutual.
When the door creaked open slowly, Brendon felt his heart stop. He tilted his head up but he could only see a little bit of a shadow under the door. It was a few seconds before the door silently closed again, as slowly as it had opened, and the shadows beneath the door disappeared. Ryan was still loud; loud enough that Brendon would have told him to calm down if he didn't know any better, simply out of concern for Ryan's throat. But he knew Ryan needed this, and apparently, whoever opened the door knew he needed it as well. Brendon stopped just short of thinking about how much he himself needed it, deciding to just realize that he was helping Ryan and that he finally had a purpose. He could do this on his own.
Brendon had been breathing into Ryan's ear for several minutes, and with each minute that passed, Ryan seemed more and more relaxed. Since he didn't have any words that could fix anything, he figured that the warmth and sound of his breath might be enough to let Ryan know that he wasn't taking his mind off of him. Ryan gently ran his fingers around the back of Brendon's hand once he had calmed down, just to let Brendon know that he was still very much awake. He was awake, but he was drained. He didn't feel like sleeping but he hardly had any energy to move.
The dim light still flickered and Ryan watched their shadow through blurry eyes.  He slowly turned himself around, giving Brendon enough time to move back, and he rolled onto his other side to face Brendon.
"Ry..."
"Thanks."
"Don't thank me for that."
Ryan's voice was impossibly quiet. "But you're right."
"About what?" Brendon thought it was appropriate to match Ryan's volume.
"I miss him."
"I know." Brendon reached forward and put his hand on the back of Ryan's head. "I know you do."
"I'm still scared."
Brendon shook his head. "I'm here, though. Don't worry."
"I know." Ryan looked back up toward the candle and the light brought some kind of beauty to the tears that remained in his eyes as it made them glisten.
"I still think you should talk to him."
"Someday."
"That's fine."
Ryan looked back to Brendon. "Don't ever let anyone say you can't help me."
"I won't."
Ryan inhaled through his nose as best as he could while he brought himself to a sitting position on the floor. While Brendon moved to sit directly across from him, Ryan wiped his face with his sleeves that he pulled over his hands. He leaned over and brought he candle between them, but he held onto it. "You ever do this?"
"What?"
Ryan sniffed again as he poured some of the melted wax into his hand.
"Oh my God, Ryan..."
"It feels so good. It's so warm, but not quite too hot... really, it's incredible."
Brendon hesitantly held out his hand, and Ryan looked at him and smiled. "I'll trust you."
"It really feels good. Hold still." Ryan tipped the candle and filled Brendon's hand, causing him to cringe at first, but his face relaxed when he realized that there was no pain. Instead, it was an intense warmth that could only be matched by what he felt when he saw Ryan's eyes.
"It's... weird..." Brendon dipped a finger into the puddle in his hand and he let the wax dry a little before peeling off the clump.
"Yeah, I love it. You can play with it so much..." Ryan wiped his eyes with his empty hand before using his fingers to mess with the wax as much as possible. "Just get it to dry a bit and it's kinda like clay, I guess."
"Yeah, I like it." Brendon cautiously dropped a few clumps back into the jar and watched them melt again.
"Just let this sit for a while and it'll be solid before too long..." Ryan poked at something with his fingers before presenting it to Brendon. "Here."
Brendon looked up and accepted the large piece of wax that had been molded into the shape of a nearly perfect heart. His mouth dropped open slightly, and he looked at Ryan's eyes. "Ryan..."
Ryan smiled and shook his head gently. "Thank you. Just take it?"
"Yeah... yes, of course, I... I'll keep it forever."
Ryan lifted the candle and illuminated his smile for a second before he blew out the flame, leaving them in the dark.
"Why'd you do that?"
"I don't know. Can you get the light?"
"Yeah." Brendon stood up and blindly found the light switch, allowing their eyes to be assaulted by actual light for the first time in a while. Brendon instantly looked at Ryan. He looked tired and pale, and Brendon wished they could just return to their previous position, only without Ryan standing on the verge of screaming.
"Do you think your mom would let me check my email before we go to bed?"
"You, yeah. Me, probably not, but I think she'll let you do just about anything... why?"
"Ellen said she sent me something."
"Oh, yeah. We can go ask her, I'm sure it's fine." Brendon held out both of his hands to Ryan, who was still on the floor. "Need help?"
"Thanks." Ryan lifted his arms and allowed himself to be pulled up. His lack of effort caused Brendon to pull him right up against him, and Brendon followed through with a hug.
"Do you feel better?"
"Yeah."
"Anytime you need that, you know, just..."
"I have you."
"Yeah."
"Yeah. Let's go." Ryan squeezed his friend before letting go and opening the door. The light was on in the master bedroom, and Brendon pulled Ryan toward the open doorway.
Brendon stuck his head inside the room and Grace was putting away clothes. "Mom?"
"Yeah, what's going on?"
"Just uh... can Ryan check his email really quick?"
"Of course."
"I guess he needs to look for something but I don't need to do anything, I just want him to..."
"Well, I'll show him to the computer. I think you need to get ready for bed, though."
"No, I can take him down."
Grace put her arm around Brendon and gently pushed him toward his room. "Let's not argue, Sweetie. Just get to bed."
Ryan stopped walking and looked helplessly at Brendon, but with Grace leading him downstairs, it was impossible for Ryan to join Brendon in the bedroom and tell him that it was not the end of the world just because he had to lay in bed and wait for him. Brendon's door slammed shut and Ryan tried to not react to it.
"You can stay on here for as long as you'd like." Grace opened the door to a small den and turned on the light. "Is someone picking you up tomorrow morning, or are you going somewhere..."
"Spencer's picking us up, actually. He'll drop Brendon off at school before we go to my place."
"He's not in school?"
"Not this week... we've been friends for a long time and he's just staying with me while I'm home. He didn't want me to be alone or anything."
"Ah, I remember now... that's good. You're not alone, though, isn't your mom there too?"
Ryan shook his head. "It's a long story. She's coming home, but she hasn't completely come back yet... kinda complicated, so..."
Grace rubbed Ryan's arm and smiled at his slightly messy hair. "I hope things work out, then."
Ryan nodded and looked at the computer.
"Listen Sweetie, my husband said he came up earlier and heard some things. Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, it was just..." Ryan shook his head. "I'm just trying to get by, I guess. I'm fine though. It was just a bit of..." Ryan laughed nervously and shrugged. "It's alright."
"Well, if you need anything, I'll be upstairs." Grace hugged Ryan, and being the mother that she is, she flattened his hair for him a little bit. "Just shut it down before you go to bed."
"Thanks."
Ryan soon found himself shut inside the small room with a computer at his disposal. It was hard for him to ignore the numerous comments and emails from various friends, but he wasn't ready for so much sympathy. He didn't bother to scroll down in his inbox and count them all, and instead, he located Ellen's name and opened her message. She got her main point across earlier that night, and after reading everything she said, Ryan somehow felt better about the situation. He felt that all he had to do was explain, and once Spencer heard the truth, everyone would be okay.