Infinite, sometimes

22

It could have been the light that brushed against Ryan's eyelids that brought him out of his pleasant sleep, but it could have also been the unfamiliar pain deep in his head that he was aware of before he even attempted to open his eyes. Ryan never had a problem with headaches and the specific pain was something he wasn't quite used to, but he was just glad to be out of his dream. He inhaled sharply and the air stung the back of his dry throat and he knew he had to rub his eyes if he wanted to be able to open them. They needed to be rubbed so they could start producing moisture so the air would no longer burn. Ryan couldn't figure out why his arms wouldn't move. He began to try to twist his body, and there was nothing. Something trapped him physically and he was too weak to fight it, not even knowing what it was.
"Ryan."
Spencer's voice from somewhere in the room triggered a slow stream of reality and it trickled though Ryan's head for a moment before the dam completely broke. Brendon's arms wrapped tightly around him were what was keeping Ryan from moving and it didn't take long for him to remember exactly what had brought both of them into this position.
"Ryan?"
Brendon's body pressed against his own reminded him of why his friend's arms were so tight around his body, preventing him from moving. It wasn't as much of a dream as Ryan had hoped.
"Come here." Spencer was well aware of Ryan's confused, groggy movements.
Ryan worked his way out of Brendon's arms as gently as he could and he looked at the sleeping boy's face. He knew it was the most beautiful thing he was ever going to see again and he wasn't sure if he totally deserved to see it. He sat himself up on the edge of the bed and finally rubbed at his eyes until he could see. Remnants of the previous night were visible everywhere, with the bowl of leftover food sitting on the corner of the nightstand, movies sitting out beside the television, and clothes kicked around on the floor. Ryan thought that if he sat still long enough, he might start to believe that they were still watching movies and trying on clothes, but Spencer had stretched his legs out and extended his arms as he sat on the floor, next to Ellen. She was curled up and unresponsive with her head on someone's book bag and Spencer's eyes looked tired and swollen. Ryan stared at him for a second and it almost looked familiar. Spencer was doing something that he had done in the past as a last resort for Ryan, simply sitting down and offering his arms as something for his friend to hold on to until everything blew over. As Ryan woke up and more and more consciousness started to kick back in, he felt himself start to crash in a way that he had almost never felt before. His legs somehow supported him in the few feet he had to walk to get to Spencer.
"I noticed you were starting to wake up."
Ryan stared at Spencer and his breathing started to shake.
"Just come down here." Spencer's legs were straight out in front of him and he pulled them apart slightly as Ryan started to lower himself to the ground. Ryan laid down on his side with the upper half of his body directly against Spencer. He welcomed the familiar position but for the first time ever, Ryan wanted to be in it for all the old reasons. He wanted to trade everything in and just take back what he used to have because even if it wasn't perfect, he still used to have something. Brendon was still motionless on the bed and Ryan didn't know that he had only been asleep for about an hour after spending all night thinking and just watching Ryan sleep, because Brendon knew that once the dreams subsided, Ryan wasn't feeling anything. He didn't want to miss the chance to see Ryan look comfortable.
"Wanna talk? Anything, just... just anything."
With the side of his head resting on Spencer's collarbone, Ryan gathered some of Spencer's shirt and held it against his face in order to breathe a few times before he decided to speak. "Yeah."
"What do you want to say?"
"Nothing."
"Don't want to talk then?"
"I do."
Spencer decided to take a cue from Brendon and he held Ryan's head in place against his chest to see if he could help. "Goddammit, Ryan... we love you. All of us. We love you, you know?" Spencer wasn't the crying type. He was never cold when it came to emotions, but Ryan had hardly ever seen him cry. This time, he couldn't really help himself.
"I know."
"Ellen just fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. She loves you, Ry."
"I know."
"We talked all night and we know none of this is fucking fair and just..." Spencer had to stop if he wanted to stay calm. He pressed his face onto the top of Ryan's head for a second before pulling away just enough to ensure that his mouth would be uncovered. "Bren was awake for a long time and I just watched his hand move around your back all night... and he just stayed so close... Ryan, I want you to hold on to this kid and never let go of him because I know he is good for you..." His face went back down to Ryan's head momentarily. "He loves you , Ryan, and I need you to promise me that you're going to hang on to him because I don't want to trust anyone else with you."
"I promise."
"I couldn't trust anyone else, honestly. El and I talked and we're not ever leaving you but we want you to keep him... just... he's good, Ry. You know this but I hope you feel better just knowing that we are with you, here... we're behind you guys and we want this to work. I'm just begging you to let it... please Ryan..."
"I know."
"We love you so much."
"Love you guys too."
"Do you wanna talk or should I just keep rambling?"
"Keep going."
"I haven't slept at all and I know I just sound delirious but I mean everything, Ry, I swear I do and I just... fuck, we love you Ryan and we are going to get through this and we'll all be okay, I promise..."
Ryan laid still, almost believing his friend and he decided that if things were to be okay, he had to make them that way himself. "McDonald's for dinner tonight, I guess."
"What do you mean?"
Ryan's eyes were closed and Spencer's shirt was still gathered against his nose and his casual words were strangely out of place. "Before the dance. Dinner, we need to eat."
"You still want to go?"
"I always have."
"Ry, I think you're better off just staying—"
"You don't know how I'm better off."
"We'll all stay with you, Ryan. We won't leave you."
"I'm going to that dance and I'm taking Brendon with me."
"Ryan."
"I'm doing this."
Spencer decided to stop fighting it. "Ry, I'm gonna admit, I have no idea what to say right now, I don't know what to do for you and for the first time ever I have no clue how to help you, and I'm so afraid to try because I'm going to make everything worse, Ryan. I don't know what to do..."
Ryan wasn't used to hearing Spencer sound like this. "You're fine."
"No, it's not fine, because I'm supposed to fix this, Ryan."
"Nobody's fucking fixing anything, now just stop." Ryan pressed himself into Spencer's chest to avoid seeming too angry. He just wasn't sure how to tell Spencer that he would have much rather not talked about anything at all.
"If you really want to go tonight, we'll go. We'll just let you call the shots and we'll be there with you, wherever you decide you want to be, because you're right, nobody knows what you need except you." Spencer moved his arms down to surround his friend in a long lasting hug. "We just don't want to make anything worse, Ryan."
Ryan didn't think anything could even get any worse. "You won't make it worse, now please just stop, Spencer. Just drop it, please, just stop..." Ryan knew what he had to do help himself and he pressed Spencer's shirt against his nose again, breathing deeply and feeling himself relax.
"You wanna quit talking and just lay here with me?"
Ryan nodded against Spencer's chest and squeezed his eyes shut. His friend's heartbeat was still as beautiful as it had always been and Ryan was able to just breathe. A while after Spencer had completely laid his head down on top of Ryan's, Ryan opened his eyes and watched Ellen as she slept. She looked as if she had simply stopped working, possibly losing consciousness in the middle of a thought or a sentence. This idea did not seem too far fetched if what Spencer said about being up all night was true. She was the only one Ryan was concerned about for being at his house. Brendon's parents knew he was staying all weekend and Spencer's mother knew he was there and Ryan just hoped that she had called someone who would be concerned about her not coming home.
With as much as Ryan wanted to go numb again in Spencer's arms, his mind was too busy to go blank for any amount of time. He moved his body to test Spencer's alertness and he knew his friend was asleep when there was no movement from him in response. Normally, Spencer would move to accommodate Ryan in any way. Ryan pulled himself away from Spencer, slowly, and he stood on his knees as he slowly laid Spencer down on his side and draped his arm across Ellen. His attention turned to Brendon and he managed to limp toward the bed, his joints still achy from sleep, and he adjusted the blanket on top of his friend. It was strange for him to see Brendon's face so free of emotion. Nothing good, nothing bad, just blank as he slept and didn't have to think about anything. Ryan couldn't help but to worry about this boy, the boy who realized far too quickly that his lighter was missing. It scared Ryan to no end. He wasn't sure that Spencer even knew how serious he was when he agreed to never let go of Brendon. If anything, he didn't want Brendon to let go of him.
His friends were asleep and Ryan was comfortable knowing that he could be by himself without being completely alone. He ignored the voices coming from the kitchen because none of them happened to be the voice he wanted to hear. He walked into his father's bedroom and he had never felt more hollow, walking to a pile of dirty clothes and lifting up the first white work shirt that he could see. It was about three sizes too big for him and it was wrinkled; it smelled strongly of cigarettes and vaguely of whiskey and Ryan wanted it more than he longed for the scents of Brendon and Spencer combined. He didn't mind that the stench of the cigarette smoke had a habit of drying his throat or the fact that the scent of alcohol reminded him of being scared. Ryan was scared, and it was only appropriate. He buttoned the shirt although it accomplished nothing due to the fact that he could almost fit two or three of himself inside the shirt all at once. It surrounded him and he sat down on the edge of the bed and everything seemed familiar enough that he knew he would be able to put off the inevitable realization for just a little bit longer.
Ryan looked at the wall for a little longer than he wanted to admit and his mind was full with a consistent hum of the word "no." His head eventually fell into his hands and he was sitting in the same position as he was two nights before with his father's hand on his back. Ryan bit the inside of his cheek and he waited. He knew he would never get what he was waiting for but he had to prove it to himself and he had to sit there on his father's bed, waiting for a certain hand to press against his back and take everything away. The hand that eventually brushed against him was much smaller and even though its presence seemed hesitant, it still caused Ryan to flinch and feel his heart jump for just a fraction of a second. He lifted his head in time to see his mother sit down beside him and he looked away from her.
"Morning, Baby."
Ryan shook his head.
"I'm sorry."
"How did it happen?"
"Baby, it was fast."
"I don't fucking care, Mom. I want to know what happened."
"Sweetie, he was pulling out of the parking lot. Someone was going too fast. Way too fast, Baby. It just happened and I am so, so sorry."
Ryan turned sideways and put his arms around his mother to end up in the same position as they had been the night before. "How were they going so fast? It's slow through there, Mom. It's supposed to be."
"Baby, Mrs. Smith has been on the phone all morning trying to figure everything out for us, Sweetie..."
"Nobody should have gone that fast." Ryan knew he was beginning to make no sense, but he didn't really want to care.
"Honey, the boy driving that truck had too much to drink and it was just so big and so fast that it just... Ryan, it's... I'm so sorry."
Ryan didn't feel like talking anymore. Nothing he could do could erase what she had just told him and Ryan sat in his mother's arms with a kind of anger he had never felt before.
"I'm coming home soon, Baby. I'll be here a bit but I've been gone too long to just invade like that, and I'm sorry."
"It's your house too."
"I know, Sweetie. I just thought you might want to be alone for a few days. Would you like that? Have Spencer stay with you?"
Ryan nodded against his mother's arm although he wanted more than just Spencer to be with him.
"I should have never left, Sweetie, and I am so sorry..."
"You had to."
"I had to leave as much as you had to leave, Ryan, and you didn't go anywhere. I shouldn't have either."
She had a point but Ryan decided he was done talking. His father's alarm clock told him it was close to one in the afternoon and Ryan knew that he had seven hours before he would need to be at the school. He was going to refuse to let anything ruin this night even if he knew he was already too exhausted to think properly. Ryan wanted, more than anything, to give Brendon the weekend that he had promised.
Ryan turned back around and returned to his original position, still grateful for his mother's presence but he was relieved when she quietly let herself out the room, assuring him that she would be in the house if he needed her. Ryan was only barely successful in not letting himself think that his mother had this coming. He was still angry at her for leaving in the first place and even if he wanted to, he couldn't say that she deserved this. She deserved it as much as Ryan did, and for once, Ryan knew that he was in a bad situation that he didn't deserve to be in. His mother loved her husband and Ryan knew this; it was apparent in her desire to stay close and her refusal to ever file for divorce. Ryan could always tell that she was relieved that he wanted to stay, although she was afraid for him, because Ryan recognized the guilt that was apparent the moment she announced that she was removing herself from the situation until it improved. Now, nothing was going to improve, and Ryan felt empty just knowing that nothing could be resolved.
"Where are you?" Ryan's voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke to the floor. "You can't do this. You cannot do this." He repeated these words in various forms for what felt like forever until they started to lose all meaning. Once a word is said enough, it starts to sound foreign and useless and Ryan started to feel like he was speaking in tongues to a person who could never hear him.
Ryan sat until the pain in his legs was too much. There was no such thing as boredom in the hours that he stayed there, half asleep on the edge of his father's bed. He didn't know what he thought about because the second he would think something, it left his mind to make way for something else. The one thing that remained in his head was the last thing he thought, a sudden strong concern for Brendon, as he heard some noise coming from inside his bedroom.
Brendon sat up and scratched vigorously at his head to get blood moving through his body. The lack of Ryan beside him came as a shock and he noticed Spencer and Ellen laying across the room, also without Ryan, but Brendon didn't have much time to start to worry before Ryan appeared in the doorway with his brown hair sticking up in places because he had, with good reason, not felt like finding a brush. Brendon's eyes traveled up and down Ryan's body and he knew right away where the large shirt came from. The sleeves were not quite too long but they were wide and they were barely filled with Ryan's thin arms. It hung down far below his waist and Ryan watched Brendon as the boy started to pull his own shirt sleeves down after they had been pushed up sometime during his few hours of sleep. Ryan decided that the black bracelets on each of Brendon's wrists were suddenly far more interesting than anything he was hardly prepared to say. Brendon stared at Ryan with sad eyes, unsure of what to do, and he started to feel sick.
Ryan sat down beside him and took Brendon's right arm and sat it in his lap, not squeezing his hand but instead he moved the bracelet around, twisting it around Brendon's wrist and playing with it with both of his hands. "Sorry about last night."
"What?" Brendon didn't really know what to make of what Ryan was saying.
"I sorta started ignoring you all of a sudden, and I'm sorry. I won't ignore you like that again."
"You weren't ignoring me, Ry."
"Yeah I was. Did you need to talk about anything? Because you probably did and I just went to bed without seeing if anything was bothering you." The plastic was thin and shiny and far too small to slip back over Brendon's hand. "How long have you worn these? Take them off any time?"
"No, I'm fine, Ryan... and I've worn these for a few years I think, I don't think I could take them off if I tried, they shrank or something and... I don't know, Ry, what's up?" Brendon didn't pull his wrist away from Ryan but he used his left hand to lift Ryan's face up so he could see it. His eyes were surprisingly bright and he smiled as soon as he connected with Brendon.
"I just like them. Have any more?"
"There might be some in a drawer somewhere, I don't know." Brendon finally forced his arm away from Ryan and he pulled him against his chest and allowed their bodies to fall back against the wall, both awkwardly laying on their sides. The smell coming from the shirt Ryan was wearing stung Brendon's nose but he knew better than to say anything. "How'd you sleep last night?"
"I had you with me."
"I know you did. Did you sleep well though?"
"I just answered you."
Brendon sighed and pressed his mouth against Ryan's forehead. He wasn't afraid enough to try to hide it and it seemed to be a suitable substitute for everything he wanted to say but couldn't. "I am so sorry, Ryan."
"Don't be."
"I am. I don't want this for you, I really don't. We were supposed to be happy right now, Ry, and I am so sorry."
"We are happy."
"We are?"
"I am. You're not at home putting up with their shit and you're with me and I'm just happy with this, okay?"
"I'm happy I'm here too, Ry. I really am."
"I don't think you ever said... you okay with McDonald's tonight?"
"Huh?"
"Before the dance."
"Are you serious?"
Ryan sat himself up halfway and traced Brendon's arm with his fingers. "How would I benefit myself by joking about dinner? Now do you want to go there or did you have another idea?"
Brendon closed his eyes and rolled forward, ending up with his side pressed against Ryan's stomach and his head on top of the arm that Ryan was using to support himself with one elbow. He was nervous with the thought that Ryan wanted to do something other than lay in bed all day, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Ryan what to do. "Anything you want is fine, I promise."
"You still wanna go, don't you?"
"Of course I do."
"I'm glad you're going with me." Ryan slid his arm out from under his body and he put it under Brendon's neck instead to pull his friend closer to him. "I need you, you know. I've said it before but I just want you to believe me."
"I know you do."
"You still need me, right?"
"Yeah." Brendon didn't lie, but he was still terrified to say the wrong thing. He felt the need to tell Ryan everything he thought he wanted to hear, and Brendon was just glad that he had been able to tell Ryan the truth so far.
By the time Mrs. Smith entered the room, Ryan and Brendon had moved to an upright position and Ryan kept his arm wrapped around Brendon's chest while he sat sideways and rested his head on Brendon's shoulder. Brendon's hand remained on Ryan's side with his arm pressed against his back in order to hold him closer, and Brendon was busy trying to think of anything that he could possibly do to help Ryan. He never guessed that Ryan's silence was coming from his feeling of helplessness, not due to his father but because he had no idea of how to help Brendon, the only person he truly cared for at the moment. He didn't even want to bother with himself; he only wanted to make sure that Brendon was able to take advantage of his time away from home.
Mrs. Smith flinched at first before smiling at Brendon. "Is he asleep?"
"Hey Alice." Ryan opened his eyes and turned his head toward her.
"Well then." She sat down and her hand went to work rubbing Ryan's leg. She would have hugged him but she thought his friend was doing a fine job, and she looked at Brendon. "Spencer told me about you last night. Will you be staying here for a while?"
"Sunday... 'til Sunday."
"Well. That's good... Brendon, right?"
Brendon nodded and squeezed whatever part of Ryan's side that was underneath his hand at the time.
"I came in to tell you guys some things, is that okay?"
Brendon nodded again and looked toward Spencer and Ellen. "Need to get them up?"
"No, no, we'll just let them sleep and tell them later. How you doing, Ry?"
Ryan shrugged and decided that it would be courteous to look in her general direction as she spoke. "Excited for tonight."
"What's tonight?"
"Dance."
"You're still going?"
"I don't know why everyone's asking me that. I've looked forward to it all week."
"Ryan, that's a little... I don't know, you sure you want to go?"
"Of course I am."
Alice continued with her hand on Ryan's leg and she looked more than a little uncomfortable. "Okay, well you need to do what you want, I guess. Do you have dates?"
"Spencer's taking an Ellen and I'm taking a Brendon and it's going to be amazing because all the dances at the other school always sucked."
Alice moved her arm so she could join Brendon's hand on Ryan's back and her other hand took over on Ryan's leg. "Okay, just... alright. You all do what's best, okay?"
Brendon nodded to try to convey to her that he was ready to protect Ryan with his own life, even if Ryan's stubborn refusal to stay home and rest could warrant him accusations of being crazy from anyone else.
"I just wanted to fill you guys in on some things. You wanna hear, Ry?"
Ryan contemplated telling her that he wasn't five and he could probably handle whatever she wanted to say, but he simply nodded his head and discreetly pressed the side of his face into Brendon's upper chest. Visually, it wasn't much, but Brendon felt the distinct pressure near his shoulder.
Alice lowered her head and voice, speaking slowly as if she was trying to explain something to a young child. "We've arranged a service for Monday evening, and I know it's a little sooner than what you'd expect but your mom thinks it's a good idea. You alright?"
Ryan clenched his teeth and nodded. He didn't enjoy being forced to acknowledge anything about the situation.
"Not very many people will be coming from too far away because it's going to be rather small and that's something else your mother wanted."
Brendon looked away from the top of Ryan's head. "Monday?"
"Yeah, sometime in the evening. I think we're trying for about six or so."
"Oh."
Ryan's fingers dug into Brendon's back, away from Alice's line of vision. "Bren you gotta stay."
"I don't know if I'll be able to, Ry..."
"You're going to regardless."
"I'll work on it."
"You just will."
"Ryan..."
"No, Brendon. We'll talk to your mom but I don't care what she says."
Alice leaned forward and kissed the side of Ryan's head before she stood up. "You won't be alone this week, Ryan. Your mom and I thought it would be a good idea if Spencer stayed home with you this week."
"All week?"
"For now. After this week we'll see how you're doing, but I'm letting Spencer stay here with you."
"Mom mentioned that."
"I just don't want you guys to worry about anything. I'm taking care of everything and you guys can just relax, and... I guess just try to enjoy yourselves tonight, if that's what you want?"
"Yeah." Ryan was no longer looking at Alice and he had drawn his knees up closer to his body.
"Brendon, just... you got him, right? You're gonna stay, and..."
Brendon understood and he nodded his head, still willing to take several bullets for Ryan if he needed to. Alice smiled and quietly shut the door as she left, and Brendon put both of his arms tightly around Ryan. He breathed against the top Ryan's head and couldn't force himself to forget the many stories about how Ryan used to be. He was afraid to lose Ryan the way Spencer and Ellen almost lost him before.
Ryan eventually found himself in the same situation as he was in with Spencer earlier in the afternoon. He lifted Brendon's arms off from around his body and adjusted the boy to what had to be a more comfortable position. He knew Brendon had not slept for long and he didn't want to deprive him of any more, so he decided to turn to the familiar warmth of his computer. Words from various people served as effective distractions for a decent amount of time. Ryan wasn't paying much attention to how much time was passing and he actually found himself forced into a couple smiles due to the ability that some people had to do that to him.
As for himself, Ryan wasn't sure what to say. Words usually came easy to him and he had his own way of being comfortably cryptic so that those who should know what he wanted to say were always able to understand completely, but this time, he didn't really have the energy to put forth his usual effort.

Numb? I guess. I'm not saying much. I have a new hobby of ignoring things.
He is gone. I mean it. Everything? Fucking ruined. Fucking done. Things can't get better if there's nothing left to fix. Everything's over, guys. Time to go home. Nothing to see here.
I have a date tonight. His name is brendon. Yeah.
This weekend was supposed to be amazing. I hope to God (?) I can save it.
Funeral Monday. You know if it applies to you. I might just sleep.

I won't always live in my regrets.
(but it is allihaverightnow)
--RR

God. That was one of the most amusing jokes Ryan had ever heard. If God was so great, Ryan thought, none of this would be happening. He had never heard something more absurd, and he decided that one of the best things he could do with his time at that moment was place himself underneath Brendon's arm and close his eyes. It turned out to be the most worthwhile thing he could have done and he realized this as he felt safe again despite the feeling of loneliness that was threatening to rip him apart. Ryan didn't want to become that person again.