Infinite, sometimes

23

Ryan stood up with his back unnaturally straight as he stared into the mirror and adjusted his collar. He was busy pulling the collar of his father's shirt out over his buttoned jacket, and he held the ends of it in his fingers for a second while he criticized his hair. He decided to not bother with it more than he already had, and he walked over to Brendon. The boy was sitting on the bed, as tense as he had been all day, and he gave Ryan a gentle smile and stood up as he approached as if he was simply following Ryan's unspoken orders.
"Do this with your collar."
"Huh?"
"This." Ryan tugged at Brendon's shirt and Brendon lifted his chin slightly. "Pull it out like mine. Just wear it the same." He seemed to be narrating his own actions.
"Yeah, sure... anything else?"
Ryan shook his head and returned to the mirror to pick at something on his chin. "You excited?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You guess?"
"I am."
"You don't sound like it."
Brendon contemplated returning to the bed, but he remembered his other two friends who Ryan had banished to the car outside. "I said I'm excited... they're waiting for us, you almost ready?"
"Just a sec."
"You sure you still wanna go?"
Ryan grabbed a fistful of his hair and squeezed, pulling it hard without pulling his hand away from his head. He was convinced that this act of violence against the brown strands on his head would somehow knock them into submission, and he turned around to face Brendon. "Brendon if you don't want to go, you need to tell me. You were so thrilled about this all week and all of a sudden you're acting like it's the last thing you wanna do."
"No, Ryan, no... don't even think that, I just... I don't know, don't you think we'd be better if we just stayed here? I don't know, we could relax or just lay in bed or something."
Ryan looked down and grabbed Brendon's right hand to bring it up and lay it against his chest. He noticed how cold Brendon's fingers were and he tilted his head down to warm them as he held Brendon's hand between his chin and neck. "What's goin' on?"
Brendon could feel the vibrations in Ryan's throat against his fingers. "What do you mean?"
"Something's bothering you."
"Not really, I'm fine."
"You're not, though."
"Ryan, they're waiting. Let's just go."
"Don't change the subject."
"Ry, I wanna do whatever you wanna do. I don't think you should want to do this anymore, and that's all that's bothering me. The only way I'm fine is if you're fine, I promise."
"So we're both fine, then?"
"Well I suppose." Brendon took his hand back and ran it quickly though his hair. Regardless of how nervous he was about the whole situation, Ryan's desires were more important. Brendon just wasn't sure if what Ryan wanted to do was what Ryan needed to be doing. "I swear, I'm alright... we'll have fun tonight, okay?"
With one quick move, Ryan leaned forward and brought his face almost against Brendon's ear. He held it there for a couple seconds as he slowly inhaled and he started to pull himself away, closing his eyes, nodding his head when he was standing straight again.
Ryan almost flew through the living room and out the front door toward the back seat of Spencer's car. Brendon was suspiciously slower and he raised his flattened palm to Alice as she sat in the kitchen and he gripped the doorknob to pull the front door closed.
"Oh, Brendon, hey... you guys are coming back here after the dance, correct?"
Brendon obediently nodded before he remembered that he was dealing with a different parent. "When do we need to be back?" Still an instinctive question.
"Just whenever, we don't mind. But you'll be with Ryan the whole time?"
"Yeah."
Alice nodded. "Just have Spencer call if anything's needed."
Brendon forced a small smile and made a quick exit. He was welcomed into the car by Ryan moving to the center of the back seat and sliding his arm behind his back with a strong grip and he glanced helplessly toward the front of the car, hoping for Spencer or Ellen to break the silence as they drove away, but the only thing that did this was the ringing of Brendon's phone. Spencer and Ellen kept their hands tightly locked together and Ryan lifted his head off of Brendon's shoulder to allow him to have just a little more range of motion to answer his phone.
"Yeeees?... yeah, we're goin' later... I don't know, I think it's over at eleven..." Ryan nodded at Brendon to confirm his guess. "I'm not sure... why?... no, Mom, that's... no, I said I don't know, why are you doing this?... I know, but we're... whatever, goodbye... no, bye." Brendon ended the call and threw his phone down, letting it slam on the floor of the car. He used the hand that had held the phone to rub his face as he sighed loudly and made a small movement to hit his head against the car window and leave it there.
"HEY." Spencer's voice snapped loudly from in front of Brendon and their eyes connected in the rear view mirror. Against his better judgment, Spencer tried his hardest to cut through Brendon with his eyes.
"Honey..." Ellen knocked their clenched hands against Spencer's leg.
"No, it's my fucking window."
The voices up front fell to annoyed whispers between the couple and Brendon could only concentrate on Ryan's voice near his ear. "Don't do this, Bren. Talk to me. What did she want?" Ryan forced his hand between Brendon's head and the window and he left his hand in the same place.
"She's freaking out about me being home at a certain time tonight."
"She's making you come home?"
"Oh hell no. She's actually trying to tell me when to be back at your house." Brendon looked forward when he saw Ellen's head quickly turn and he noticed the same look in her eyes that he had seen in Spencer's and he was surprised that his stubborn mind allowed him to realize what they were trying to say.
"I'm sorry." Ryan shifted sideways to rest against Brendon a little more and he gently took his hand. "You shouldn't have to put up with that."
Brendon closed his eyes and inhaled slowly to keep himself quiet. Pressure grew inside his head from the sounds he could not let himself make and he inhaled a second time before forming his mouth into a smile and looking at Ryan. "It's alright. Stayin' with you tonight, so... yeah. It's alright." He licked his lips to hide their slight shaking, but he couldn't help but to be relaxed by Ryan's eyes. His mind loosened up on him and he looked toward the front of the car to seek approval, receiving it in the form of his two friends paying him no attention. This was better than the previous glares, and guilt began to set in over his uncalled for reaction to his mother. Brendon knew he should have just rolled his eyes and ignored her absurd attitude. He started to feel even worse as he let himself dwell on his problems that were insignificant compared to what was happening to Ryan, and as the car turned sharply into the parking lot, Brendon decided that he was determined to be the strong one. He didn't know how he could be what Ryan had spent all week being for him, but he knew he had to figure it out. This whole week had involved more 'figuring out' than Brendon had ever wanted to do.
The plans for dinner were unaffected by Ryan's friends' desperate attempts to casually beg him to join them in relaxing to movies at home, including one last effort from Ellen before they all got out of the car. Ryan insisted on continuing the evening as they had planned all week. Partially for himself, to have more and more distraction, but mostly for Brendon. Ryan told himself that Brendon needed this and he refused to let everything go to waste; the excitement and planning and feeling of finally having some sort of tangible value to life. Ryan's odd behavior was an unspoken concern between his three friends. He was mostly silent, but his face conveyed a smile most of the time, especially in the presence of Brendon, and he seemed to develop a strong habit of constantly making sure Brendon was okay.
Ryan beat his friends to a small table in the back of the dining room and proceeded to empty his French fries—all six boxes of them—onto the tray that he left in the center of the table. Brendon followed soon after, sitting down quickly and pressing his leg against Ryan's leg. Spencer and Ellen were well aware that Ryan expected them to join him in a feast of greasy potatoes and they had no desire to go against his wishes, so they remained up front while they quickly inhaled a sandwich where Ryan couldn't see them.
"Ry, you know... you look really nice."
Ryan swallowed about half of what he had in his mouth before attempting to talk. "You do too. Beautiful, even, really."
Brendon blushed and helped himself to a couple fries after Ryan pushed the tray toward him.
"Eat. They're for everyone."
"You sure you don't want a sandwich or anything?"
"Well I didn't order one, did I?"
Brendon licked his lips and thought for a second until an idea hit him. "I was just... I kind of want one, you know, some real food... just, not a whole one, and I guess I kind of hoped you'd split it with me..."
Ryan stopped sticking fries into his mouth. "Would that make you happy?"
Regardless of how he really felt, Brendon knew exactly what Ryan needed to hear in order to do certain things. "Yeah."
Ryan had to give in. Although he didn't know where his sudden aversion to proper meals came from, he was pretty sure he could look past it to let Brendon have whatever he wanted. "I'll take half of it, I guess."
"Ry." Spencer reached across the table and tapped Ryan's hand. "Let's get you guys somethin'." He looked at Ellen to communicate silently and he stood up along with Ryan and walked away from the table.
Ellen sat across from Brendon and she pulled his hand away from his mouth so she could hold both of his hands together in her own. Brendon appreciated this contact but he still looked at her like she was about to scream. "Hey, you need... you need to calm down a bit, alright? You get so tense and I just worry about you."
Brendon nodded.
"I know he keeps trying to pick you apart or whatever, just trying to make sure nothing's wrong, but can you see what he's doing?"
"Yeah."
"We gotta be on the same page here so tell me what you think it is."
Brendon cleared his throat to erase some of the unneeded fear. Ellen's hands gently resting on Brendon's arms were able to effectively communicate the fact that she was not angry."He's just ignoring everything." He continued after Ellen nodded. "I don't know, he's just... he's using me to push everything else out of his mind, isn't he?"
"I think he is."
"My God what am I supposed to do?" Brendon attempted to pull his hands away but Ellen held them still.
"That's what I wanted to talk about." Ellen glanced over to see Ryan and Spencer still waiting in line. "What happened in the car should have never happened, Hun. Please tell me you know this?"
"It seemed like that's what he wanted me to do because of how he acted after it and everything he said—"
"Bren, I know there's things going on with you and I understand that, and I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong for feeling how you do, but I'm not sure if Ryan can really handle himself right now, let alone seeing someone he loves get so upset... I'm sorry for being so mean in the car but I didn't know what else to do. I knew what you were starting to do and I wanted to stop you before it started bothering Ryan, but I know I should've been a little nicer about it."
"No, I understand, and I should've just not said or done anything, but it seemed like that's what he wanted. Since this morning he's been apologizing like he's making me mad or upset or whatever, and... I don't know, he keeps asking me what's wrong or if I'm okay or whatever and this whole time I have not said a damn thing. I mean I don't feel the best right now but even if he's acting weird I know he feels worse than I do."
"I know, I don't like how he's acting, but it's Ryan... he just handles things different, I think."
"I don't wanna just throw everything at him because even if he's asking me to do that, I know it's wrong and I'd just feel bad, but I don't know what else I can do... I think you guys need to help him because I'm so lost, here... I have no idea how to help him at all and you've known him forever and—"
"Brendon, he needs you."
"Ellen I will never leave him, but you don't understand. I can't do this. I can't help him with this because you guys are his friends and I'm just here." Brendon dug his fingers into Ellen's hand and she pulled her free hand away.
"Bren, that's not how it is." Ellen put her hand on the side of Brendon's head and she gently rubbed his red ear as she leaned forward, pulling their heads a little closer together. "Ryan needs you and he wants you, Brendon. He wants us there too and that's why we're staying, but he needs you."
"But how do I do this? He just seems so strong and I really think he is but I know it's worse than he wants us to think..." Brendon held his mouth open and waited for more sound to come out. "I... you need to tell me what to do... I don't know how to help him and I really think you guys can do it better."
"It's not about doing anything better or worse. It's about us letting Ryan know how much we love him, and I know you love him. You're doing so good so far and I listen to what you say to him and I see how you treat him and I think it's perfect, Bren. I don't think you need any help with this. You wanna know why?"
Brendon nodded.
"You love him, and while that helps him as it is, it also helps you do everything right... I've noticed you're putting Ryan before yourself and that right there shows that you know what you're doing, Bren. Even though he keeps asking you if you're okay, you always tell him you are."
Brendon nodded and licked his lips but Ellen didn't give him time to speak.
"But I want you to talk to me if you need anything. Or Spencer, even, just one of us, because Ryan only thinks he's fine enough to deal with everything. I don't want you to be miserable, so I want you to talk to me if you need someone to talk to, can you promise to do that?"
"Yeah... you're right and I know I shouldn't throw anything at him, and that's why I haven't been doing it... he's just holding up so well and if he was a total mess I'd know exactly what to do but it's almost like... I don't even know, he's just acting so strange..."
"You know what Ryan does when he's really upset?"
"What?"
"He ignores everything and insists on controlling every possible situation."
"Oh."
"He'll go as long as he can, pretending that everything's fine, and we know we just have to let him tell us what we're all doing because it's no use even trying to suggest things." Ellen sat up straight when she saw Spencer slowly walking back to the table with Ryan by his side. "Hey, Brendon wants a milkshake so get him one before you come back."
Brendon turned around and he couldn't suppress a smile when he saw how amazing Ryan looked, even with his father's shirt hanging out from underneath his jacket. He watched them as they walked away again and he turned back around to face Ellen. "I didn't know I wanted a milkshake."
"Oh you do." Ellen leaned forward again. "We need to just do what Ryan wants right now, aside from letting him distract himself with our problems. We need to keep things normal for him for as long as he wants them to be and once he realizes what's going on, we have to be here for him. I know that's not a problem."
"I'm just scared for him, really."
"We all are. I think he is too, and knowing him, he wants to go ahead with what he had planned tonight because he's afraid of anything being different." Ellen ran both hands through her hair and left them on the back of her head as she looked down at the table. "Nothing worse could have happened to this kid. I know he's told you a lot but I'm not sure if you really know just how much hope he had for his dad; that he would get better and everything would be fine again, and now that it can't happen I just don't wanna think about what'll happen to Ryan."
"He told me and I don't know how he ever did it, but he looked past all the shit and I know he had... I don't know, I just know that this is bad... I just don't know how to help him."
"We need to just do whatever he wants right now. You're really doing fine, and regardless of what you think, you can help him a lot more than me and Spencer can."
"But what do I do?"
"Whatever feels right. He's been saying that all week, that that's all he's been doing, and he says it works. Just do that for him, that's really how he is... whatever it takes to get to where you need to be, no matter how weird it seems. As long as it just feels right, Bren."
"That's really all I can do."
"And it will be fine. You wanna know something that will help?"
"Yeah."
"Sometimes, with Ryan... the best thing you can do is just sit there and not say anything."
"Why?"
"I never figured it out. When things got really bad, he was just like that and once it was past a certain point, nothing we could say did anything for him. But when we just sat there with him and stayed close to him... I don't know why it worked, but it did."
"I'm... that's kinda how I am, I..."
Brendon didn't have time to form more of a response before Ryan was sitting back down next to him. He sat half of a cheeseburger in front of Brendon and between the two of them, the milkshake didn't last long. Ryan didn't acknowledge the fact that he laid his hand on Brendon's knee and squeezed hard enough to cause slight pain. If Ryan didn't want to point it out, then Brendon didn't want to, either. He just let it happen.
The assault on Brendon's knee stopped only briefly to give them enough time to climb into the car. When Ryan's hand returned to Brendon's leg with a sudden grasp, it suggested that Ryan was searching for something to hold on to in order to keep from falling. Brendon knew his chest was going to ache all night because he knew this was the truth and even though he felt so much wrong in the situation, he knew it was what had to be done. The silence was ominous in the car the entire way and Brendon stared out the window, completely unsuccessful at making his mind go blank. Ryan's fingers digging into his leg kept him firmly grounded in reality and he had to force himself to remember what Ellen had said. Ryan needed this.
Round tables from the cafeteria were covered in cheap red paper and they lined the perimeter of the gymnasium. People were starting to arrive, and the majority of tables had been claimed by groups who abandoned their belongings to head to the open floor. Chairs were draped with jackets and tabletops were cluttered with a combination of purses and unwanted shoes with painful heels and straps. Girls had to buy these shoes simply to have something to walk through the door with, and after that, most of them ended up going home in bare feet. Ellen hooked her arm around Ryan's at the elbow and they headed toward one of the few empty tables while Spencer jogged off in the direction of the music. He was on a quest to make sure some 'real music' would be played and he motioned for his girlfriend to find seats for them and their two friends.
Brendon ignored the fact that he didn't feel quite comfortable with the way Ryan's hand was wrapped around his wrist to pull him along because it almost seemed forceful compared to if it had been the equally awkward act of hand holding. Brendon didn't need to be forced to follow Ryan. He smiled when Ryan looked at him and pulled out two chairs and he didn't argue when Ryan pushed the chairs together. The room was dark and it pulsed with loud music and they felt hidden and even safer than usual inside the school. Brendon grabbed Ryan's hand as it was on the way to his leg in order to spare his knee more soreness and bruising. He didn't give himself time to think before he pulled Ryan's hand toward the center of his lap and he held it gently with both hands, and he didn't hesitate to look over at Ryan. Brendon ran all of his fingers gently around Ryan's hand and up to his wrist. He continued slowly as he watched Ryan's visible tension dissolve with each stroke of his fingers. It didn't take long for him to fall victim to the acting ability that took Ryan years to perfect and a day to execute.
"He'll be back as soon as he kicks some sense into the DJ, I guess." Ellen pulled her chair over next to Ryan and she smiled at the hands in Brendon's lap. "So, we dancing tonight or are we sitting here the whole time?"
"I'm not sure." Ryan nodded at Spencer as he approached, although Spencer was occupied by another rather distracted boy. "Maybe. I kinda suck though, I'd like to just sit... maybe, I don't know." Ryan chewed on his lip and nervously bounced his leg up and down while his eyes darted around the room. He looked painfully oblivious, although he was very much aware of what he was doing. He had lifted their hands to the top of the table and he laced their fingers together to revert to their original method of finding security. He was well on his way to rubbing the skin off the back of Brendon's thumb, but neither of them minded. Ryan's eyes quit traveling and they landed on Ellen, who sat with her arms crossed and a pleased smile on her face. "Yeah and what do you want?" Ryan grinned and leaned sideways toward her but he decided to avoid knocking their heads together.
"Oh, I'm just watchin'. Pretend I'm not here."
"Watching what?"
"Cutest thing ever."
"And to think you didn't wanna come tonight. Just think of what you could be missing!"
Ellen wasn't about to bring seriousness into the situation by explaining herself. She wasn't happy about needing to take her own advice but she didn't feel like throwing away Ryan's sense of control, regardless of how fragile she knew it was. "Woulda never forgiven myself, for sure. Now keep being cute."
"I don't know, Bren, should we listen to her?"
"Oh, I'm not sure..." Brendon leaned in and exaggerated a raised eyebrow, faking a whisper and making it obviously loud. "You trust her?"
Ryan slowly turned his head to look at Ellen before shifting his eyes back and forth between her and Brendon a couple times with his lips slightly puckered and pushed toward the left side of his face. "I'm not too sure about this one. She's a bit... I don't know..."
Ellen wrapped her hand gently around Ryan's neck and pretended to shake him. "You guys quit being dumb."
"Hey, who said we were being dumb?"
"I did." Ellen slid over and put her arm around Ryan and she gently squeezed his shoulder to add more meaning to the gesture.
Ryan looked down to her lap with his head tilted to slightly lean against hers. "Thanks."
"No problem. You alright?"
Ryan didn't continue his quiet mumble and he nodded instead, squeezing Brendon's hand and letting his other hand find its way to Ellen's leg.
"Just tell me if you're not, okay?"
Ryan nodded and looked up to Spencer just as he had managed to get rid of his random friend and he had begun to sit down. "What'd you request?"
"I don't even remember. He had a list of all the songs he's got so I went though them and wrote down everything that was worthwhile... some Goo Goo Dolls, Blink... Crows..."
"Black or Counting?"
"Counting."
Ryan nodded. "Excellent."
"So what are you guys doin'?" Spencer looked at his placement in the seating arrangement and realized that his girlfriend was huddled with Ryan and Brendon on the opposite side of the table. "Something's not right, here."
Brendon pointed to Ellen. "Move by her. She's stealin' the Ryan, keep her company so I can quit fighting her." He raised his fist in Ellen's direction and the two of them stabbed each other with glares for a short moment until Brendon laughed.
"I'll fix it. We're gonna dance." Spencer stood up and held his hand out to Ellen.
"But it's a terrible song!"
"I don't care, it's slow!"
"I wanna stay with these two."
"You have plenty of time to watch them, now come with me."
Ryan let go of Ellen and stood up, putting both of his hands on Brendon's shoulders. "Yeah she's got this thing for looking at us and saying we're cute. I mean, it's only taken her, what, thirteen years to acknowledge my obnoxiously good looks..."
"Hey!"
Ryan didn't give Ellen any time to protest. "But I don't sit around and tell her how cute you guys are. Maybe I should?" He lowered himself to kneel down behind Brendon's chair and he held himself up by putting both of his arms around Brendon's neck.
"See?! That's what I mean!" Ellen jumped a little as she pointed to Ryan and Brendon while looking at Spencer. Nobody had noticed her pulling out her camera.
"Oh I totally know what you mean. Cute indeed. We'll stare some other time. Dance. Now."
"You're no fun." Ellen caught Ryan and Brendon completely off guard with her camera before she was pulled away by her boyfriend.
Ryan rubbed the flash out of his eyes as he let go of Brendon and sat down against the wall. "Next time they kiss I'm gonna squeal at the top of my goddamn lungs. I swear they're gonna hate me." He bit his bottom lip and smiled while Brendon turned his chair around to face him.
"Ellen is such a girl."
"Yeah she is. She's even got me beat."
"Nah, you're not a girl."
"Oh I can be."
"Guarantee I'm worse. Hell, you've seen me all week. I hate how I am."
Ryan pulled one knee up close to his chest and he left his other leg straight in front of him. "I like how you are."
Brendon, of course, had no way to respond outside of another one of his geeky grins. He held out his hand and Ryan took it. Ryan's arm was resting on top of his knee with his hand dangling over the edge in a fairly compromising position with Brendon's fingers held securely in his own. For a couple minutes, physical contact was the perfect substitute for words. Brendon leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. He lifted his free hand and touched Ryan's cheek while disguising his real intentions by slowly pushing some hair out of Ryan's face. The dim light was enough to illuminate Ryan's face and Brendon was able to enjoy his honest smile, as small as it may have been, because Brendon himself was all too familiar with how easily emotions—good or bad—could be hidden, and the connection between their hands felt warm enough to let Brendon know that Ryan shared this happiness. It was the kind of happiness that sometimes managed to come at all the right times and take you away from reality for as long as it stayed, even if it was never able to stay long enough. It's the kind that pulls you in when you look into someone's eyes and for the first time you are able to see a little bit of hope and you take that hope and you run with it.
Along with hope, Brendon saw uncertainty in Ryan's eyes and he wanted more than anything to just be able to give him all the answers to the questions that his eyes were begging to have answered, but Brendon only knew the answer to one of them. He pulled Ryan's hand up to his face and he pressed the boy's fingers against his lips and nose and he closed his eyes. His breath warmed Ryan's fingers and as he sat leaning over his friend with a familiar hand laid across his lips and with the most caring heart struggling to beat in front of him, Brendon prayed for time to stand still. He would have given anything for the music to have swallowed them and held them deep inside its rhythm forever, but Brendon wasn't sure if eternity could still be measured if time was standing still. He was back to being unsure about what he wanted. Time could freeze and leave them in this place, in this distant embrace in which they could both smile and keep their hands locked together in the midst of a collapsing world, or time could continue, allowing them to fall into the river and continue together for eternity, suffering through the rapids and breathing though the places where the water seemed to almost stop moving. It was difficult to think about and Brendon hoped that either way, somehow, time would choose to do what was best for them.
Brendon's eyes were still closed when he felt two small arms surround him and he smelled Spencer. "Thank you." Ellen's voice was soft and quiet against his ear and she was unusually warm from being pressed against her boyfriend for several minutes. She was leaning over and she pulled Brendon's head against her shoulder with more than just grateful intentions because regardless of how he put himself across, she knew that Brendon was in the exact same place that Ryan used to be in.
"Don't need to thank me."
"I know. But I am anyway."
Brendon lowered his hand but he still kept Ryan's close, rubbing each of Ryan's fingers gently while he continued talking to Ellen. "Nice dance?"
"Of course. You guys should try it."
Brendon waited for the mention of "cute", but it didn't seem to happen. He looked down at Ryan to see him staring blankly at the table in front of them. "You thirsty or anything, Ry?"
"I guess. Wanna get something?"
"Sure."
Ellen and Brendon each took one of Ryan's hands to pull him to his feet and Brendon shared with Ellen for the moment, allowing her to wrap her arm around Ryan's waist while they walked to the long table that was stocked with various snacks and cans of soda. Brendon helped himself to a can of Mountain Dew and he handed it off to Ryan. He allowed his arm to fall down behind Ryan's back and he used Ryan's waist as a handle to keep him close as he looked toward Ellen and Spencer, hoping that they had something to say that could break the growing tension.
"Oh, hey you!" Ellen handed Spencer her drink and she walked a few steps to greet an acquaintance and Ryan's eyes widened quickly before he started to observe his shoes. Just like Brendon's, a little dirtier, but roughly the same.
"Hey El. Looks like I don't see you as much this year. How was your summer?"
"Pretty good." Nobody ever wanted to hear the honest-to-God truth with these kinds of questions.
"I saw Ryan here and I had to ask him something."
"You know Ryan?"
"We keep each other sane in math class."
Ryan pretended to not be aware of Stephanie's presence, but he was a little caught up in the fact that she was speaking for him. Not that he minded the conversations they had, but the fact that he felt close to heart failure by the end of math class every day proved that she was the only one kept sane by the things they talked about. "Hey, Stephanie... havin' fun yet? There's... soda here, and stuff... if you want..." He pretended to actually care about everything that was scattered around the table.
"Where is she?"
"Who?"
"Have you admitted you have a girlfriend yet?" Stephanie grinned and her eyes were fixed on Ryan's.
Ryan didn't notice the extremely confused, concerned look on Brendon's face, just in the way that Stephanie didn't seem to notice Brendon. "Oh, um... well, I..." Oh, this is fun. Ryan had not given this scenario any thought and he suddenly found himself without anywhere to turn. With Spencer and Ellen looking on, just as confused as Brendon was, Ryan had to completely explain himself for the first time. If it meant saying things that he was still unable to even say to Brendon or himself, he knew he couldn't carve it into stone for a casual friend. Ryan's mouth was silent and his eyes returned to his shoes, dirtier than Brendon's but still the same, and he put his arm around Brendon's back. His hand wrapped around Brendon's upper arm but he gradually lowered it to his elbow and Brendon pressed himself closer against Ryan's side. He could have cried if it weren't for the wall he had built the previous night to close himself off from the outside world.
"Oh Ryan. Looks like you've lied to me!" Stephanie chuckled and kicked Ryan's shoe with her similarly sneakered foot and the new similarity between the two of them eased his nerves slightly. "I think I can hear every girl in the country crying right about now." Stephanie gathered her hair and tossed it behind her shoulders. "But you were good at that, when we were in class, you know. Just, everything you said. I think the drama club could use you, because you—"
"Hey Steph, come with me for a sec... I think I see someone..." Ellen grabbed Stephanie's wrist and pretended to be looking across the room.
"What... who?" Stephanie waved her hand at Ryan as she was pulled about fifteen feet away from the three boys, which quickly dwindled down to two as Spencer remembered how he had promised Ryan that he wanted him to handle certain things while he simply looked on from a distance, ready to step in at any moment that Ryan honestly needed him.
"Who was that?"
"I sit with her in math."
"I figured, but who is she? She's always come off as sort of a snob, really..."
"No, she's pretty friendly... trust me, I hated her at first, but she's really nice."
"And she thinks you have a girlfriend?"
"I wanted to avoid this, really... um, she was asking me things when she saw how much I was freaking out over stuff and she just assumed it was a girl and I just kinda went with it, I guess."
"Why were you freaking out?"
"I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said it was over a girl."
Brendon laughed quietly and he lifted his hand from Ryan's waist to his shoulder.
"No, I was just writing something to you and I guess she was bored and she just noticed that I wasn't particularly calm."
"Why would you freak out over that, though? I don't wanna make you nervous or anything..."
"No, Bren, you don't... I'm just too careful sometimes, you know... afraid to say things, and I just... I don't know. I don't have a girlfriend and she knows now so it's fine."
"So she knows... and you know, too?"
Ryan nodded. "I have known. I'm just weird, but you seem to like that." Ryan noticed Brendon's smile out of the corner of his eye and he looked to Spencer and Ellen as they stood with Stephanie. The girl's visible distress let Ryan know exactly what they had told her and they quickly said goodbye to her as the DJ announced one of Spencer's requests and the familiar song started playing.
"Ryan, you know I can't really dance, either."
"I swear I'm worse."
Brendon looked to the ground to try to figure out what he wanted to say. "How about you just try?"
Ryan watched Spencer and Ellen wrap their arms around each other and begin to sway side to side. He knew it wasn't hard and he knew he had run out of excuses for putting this off any longer.