Tell Her I'm Sorry

Courage

Courage. Easy word to say. Not always easy to act it out though. In fact I've found that it's one of the most difficult things to have. In order to search for some courage, you have to fight through all of the fear and chaos that is everything else. Hence the challenge of being "courageous". I'm a perfect, shining example of somebody who is without it.

I'm working on it though, so that's a good thing...right? I've decided the first step is to tell my family. It's a pretty horrifying thought but I have to do it. I can't keep hiding anymore. It's the last period of school and then I'm heading home to get it over with. I have no real clue as to what's going to happen but I can't imagine it's going to be too bad...who am I kidding? It's probably going to be a disaster. This isn't like a tv show, happy endings aren't always a guarantee.

God, this is excruciating. I just wanna sink into this desk and disappear. It would be easier than what I'm planning on doing. And of course Emily's not here today...her parents made her stay home because she's sick. It totally sucks because if she was here then I would feel so much better. I'd still be stressed out as hell but I'd be oddly calm, at the same time. She's always had that affect on me. She makes me feel grounded when all I want to do is run.

The bell just rang. Finally! I rush to my car and jump in, start it and in a matter of seconds I'm driving home. Driving to a home that could crumble around me with just two words. I can't drive fast enough and at the same time I'm driving too fast. I can see my house now. I park my car on the street in front of it and turn the car off. I sit for a few minutes, reaching desperately for that seemingly impossible feeling of courage. It's now or never. I get out of my car and walk to the door and when I reach it I find I can't bring myself to open it. How badly can this all go? Do I really want to risk everything?

Yes. Yes I do. It's what I need to do. I finally open the door and step carefully inside.

It looks just like it always does. The same furniture, same sounds...nothing's changed...yet. I close the door and in an instant my mother walks out of the kitchen, the swinging door bouncing lightly off the wall before gracefully moving back into its normal position. She greets me with a smiling hello, asking me how school was. I tell her it was great. I try to stay calm but my stupid voice cracks on the last word and she knows something's wrong. I figure this is as good of a time as any. So I ask her if she would sit and when she does take a seat on the couch, I take a deep breath and face her.

"Mom. I...there's something I want, no need, to tell you." Oh god. Here it goes. "Mija what's wrong?" Don't panic. Do not panic. Just say it! "Mami, I'm gay." I take another deep breath and wait. I look down at the ground praying that she'll be ok with this. It feels like hours until she finally speaks and when she does it's like an electric shock to my heart. "¿Qué? ¿Cómo puede ser esto? Es imposible. No lo creeré. Es repugnante." I look at her and I'm instantly met with hateful eyes and suddenly I can't breath. "¿Cómo te atreves. ¿Cómo se atreve a entrar en esta casa y empezar a decir cosas horribles. Habla infantil! Dime que estás bromeando." She's yelling now. "Please mami! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I'm telling the truth but please understand, it's not horrible. It's not. Please!" She takes a shaking step back and in one word, severs all of my hopes I once had. "Out." I blink rapidly. Not sure I heard her correctly. "Has engaging in sin left you deaf as well? I said get out! Now. You will not be in this house as long as you are like this." The way she said it was like it was almost painful for her to say. "You want me to leave? Where am I gonna go? I'm 17". Surely she couldn't be so cruel. "No me importa. Sólo quiero. Ya no eres ningún asunto mío. Usted es repugnante." With the tears building rapidly in my eyes and the hole in my heart growing exponentially with every beat, I turn and head for the door. I do not look back and simply walk out the door, closing it behind me.

I get back into my car and as the engine roars to life I drive away. I wander aimlessly. I don't know where I am and for once, I just don't care. I just really don't care....Courage?...Doesn't seem so great to me.