Hate Sex is So Hot

21 - Look At Me

YOU GUIYS KNOW NUDES BY Christmasbb ?! guys that latest chapter HOLY FUCK.. as a gay boy myself nudes mitch is my new idol

Avi said yes. 

I don't know why I felt so guilty when I asked him. Maybe it was because I thought about Scott so much? Maybe he felt pressured to say yes? I'm not sure. I was happy, but it was cautious happiness.

Today I was out of the hospital, and we were going on our first date. Finding an outfit was hard enough without Scott sitting on his bed. After yesterday, it's like I could just feel him judging me.

"Where are you going?"

I just looked at him for a second, confused. He nodded to the makeup brush in my hand.

"You're getting all... dolled up." I felt a knot in my stomach that I didn't even know was there. I guess I had fully expected him to make fun of me for wearing makeup.

"I'm... going on a date."

He blinked. 

"Oh... that sounds fun."

"Yeah."

God, this was awkward. This was so awkward. I was praying that he'd just end the conversation there, but he looked over to my bed, as if trying to find something to talk about. Why...

"What's that?" I looked to where he was pointing, and saw a book lying on my bed. "Oh." It was a story we were reading together in my English class... that's right, Scott was in more advanced classes than me.

"It's just... something from class."

"What's it about?"

I dusted some highlighter on my cheeks. "Its medieval stuff. A prince and a princess... I think it's a love story?"

He got up and walked over and looked down at the cover, like he was making mental note of it, and then nodded. "Cool."

I gave him a smile, because what else was I supposed to do? And I started walking for the door when - god damn, can that boy just keep his mouth shut for one goddamn second?

"So... does that mean the bet's off?"

I looked back at him.

"Um... yeah."

I shut the door behind me, but before I did, I could've swarm I'd heard him mutter "postponed"

-

Avi showed up in a way nicer outfit than me. I guess I had focused more on "cool" than fancy. But we were just going to the movies, so it was fine. He seemed a little embarrassed. It was cute.

I couldn't have known then, that Scott was, at the moment, beating himself up. I had no idea that he'd been trying to hard to keep it together and not get mad at me; to try and get me to at least back to normal with me.

******************

There was no way I liked Mitch. But then again, there was no way I didn't like Mitch. He wouldn't get out of my head, like a fucking headache. The peaceful look on his face when he was asleep. That smile he made when he actually was genuinely happy and I got to see. The look on his face when he was on my lap and about to...

Parents tell little girls all the time that boys tease them because they like them. And like, of course that's bullshit. Don't worry. I know that. But I started teasing Mitch as a playful thing. It wasn't even one sided; he teased back. And in middle school I had no idea that I was gay. I had like, a little bit of an idea, but I didn't actually know that.

Maybe... maybe even back then, I'd just been wanting to see him look at me. All through Elementary school, nobody ever looked at me. I was always at recess alone. School sucked. But of course at the time it seemed like a heaven; because home was way worse. So I never reached out to anyone, and I just took what I had.

When I realized me and my friend from the neighborhood were going to middle school, I got so excited. He was the only person I kept in touch with; we called each other using our house's home phone and play games online together. That was only on weekends though; when I started being allowed playtime on Saturday and Sunday afternoons in third grade. It was after my teacher got worried when I told her I never did anything fun at home and that I never saw any friends. God, he made me regret saying that.

Jake had a lot of friends, so I technically had a friend group now. I felt so important, and so loved... I wanted more of that. But that wasn't why I wanted Mitch's attention. He wasn't just another friend... it was like he was on a completely different level. I already craved attention, but him... I just needed him to look at me. I just needed him to pay attention to me.

Eventually, when you and someone are teasing each other, they do stuff that makes you not like them. And me and Mitch grew to dislike each other more and more.

He probably had no idea. But how would he ever guess that? I had no idea either. I don't even know for sure. But I think, maybe... that other level he was on in my little twelve year old brain was a "like like" type of level.

I played around with the thought in my brain. Imagine... how do I do this? Imagine Mitch as... your boyfriend.

I thought about it. Going shopping with him, and going on dates with him. Playfully teasing him, because that's what we'd do. It would be so funny to everyone because we usedjjbi to be so against each other. Lying in bed next to him all the time... not just after we hate-fucked.

I... really liked that. But maybe I just wanted to be his best friend?

No, I couldn't lie to myself. Thinking of him going on that date today made me want to cry.