The Hidden Pain

Chapter14

I felt numb, the sounds of the machines beeping were giving me a headache. I needed out. out of this room, out of this hospital, out of this town, out of this damn life.

Loss is like a wind, it either carries you to a new destination or it traps you in an ocean of stagnation. You must quickly learn how to navigate the sail, for stagnation is death. 

I close my eyes for just a while, I lay and think of you. The thought of you, and your love of gum and how you'd chew, how you could have tried so very hard to blow a bubble, but spit your gum across the yard. I think of times we could have  spent at the park and how you'd want to stay till dark.  The time you would have tried the balance beam all by yourself, falling off with a laughing scream. Or the many times  I would have helped you along the monkey bars though you were so strong. The way you would have shouted "weeee" going down the slide hands in the air like a stampede ride. The way you could have ran around a tree yelling at everyone "You can't catch me!"

I think of the nights you would try and stay up and how you'd ask for your Tinkerbell cup,the many stories that we'd read and how you'd roll around your bed. What I wouldn't give for one night to tuck you in all nice and tight. I'd give you kisses and sing our song and tell you I love you and to be strong. But ill never get those moments. I'll never be able to wipe your tears, or listen to you sing along to your cartoons. I'll never be able to help you get ready for your first date, or help you pick out your wedding dress. I'll never be able to tell you how much I love you.

The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone can see, the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me, my soul contained more scar tissue than life.