Don't Let Go ✔ (Editing)

12 - Find Myself in Me

As usual, school was completely boring. I mean, these days I feel like school is becoming so much more tedious to handle. The teachers seem to annoy me by every word that falls from their lips. And what is it with all these assignments? Was it always like this? I'm beginning to detest school more and more because of this.

I can't believe there was actually a time period where I enjoyed doing school work. Now I just feel so captured and even if I secretly like it deep down, there is no way I'd come out and actually do it because I already feel so imprisoned and forced to do it. I guess it's a rebellious nature. I don't want to do something because someone told me to.

So, all in all, there is a slight possibility that I'm failing school. However, no teacher called me to speak privately yet, so that's a good thing. And my mom thinks I'm still doing well, which is also a good thing because that leaves room for improvement. I just have to pass like one test and that's it. She'll believe I'm doing perfect... which I'm not...

At the moment, I'm heading to Ashton's room, after the nurses and doctors have burdened me with work. It's already dark out and I just want to talk to Ashton before I leave. I feel like I must talk to Ashton every time I come here. It's weird and I can't really explain why I feel the need to do that.

However, as I walk to his door and look into the glass, I realize Ashton wasn't alone like he usually is (besides the occasional nurses who check on him). There was a girl sitting in my chair, hanging onto his hand like her life depended on it. He was sat facing her, and when he lifted her hands with his to kiss it, I could have almost died on the stop. I feel so betrayed, even though I knew what to expect from him.

He seemed so happy with her. Not as happy as he usually is with me (in my opinion) but happy nonetheless. And she's there, grinning like an idiot. I groan softly and turn around from the scene because I feel like it hurts me physically to stand there and watch that.

Out of absolutely nowhere, my mom's boyfriend came to me, obviously seeing the way I was staring (which is sort of embarrassing) into Ashton's room. I bite my bottom lip and blinked downwards - absolutely hating myself for doing that.

"You know him?" Chris asked me. 

"Yeah. Just a friend," I answer, not really in the mood to be sassy with anyone right now. Once again I bite my bottom lip, then blink back into the room. Why am I even doing this right now? I should move.

"Are you okay?" Chris asks, and I roll my eyes. Why would he ask that? Do I not look okay? 

"Of course I'm okay," I groan and move passed him. I really don't like that guy - like the hate is intense. I could tell he was looking at me as I walked away from him, but I could care less. The only thing on my mind was the simple fact that Ashton is actually with his girlfriend right now. I know this is really horrible to thing but, I really wish she'd just like die.

I curse myself for thinking that almost immediately afterward.

As I'm walking to go back to where my mother is usually situated, I realize she wasn't there, so I just take a seat on one of the somewhat soft chairs they have provided. My mind wandered back to my mom's question (whenever that was). I know I still want to be a doctor - it's my dream (as cliche as that sounds). As a little kid growing up I always found it so fascinating to actually be able to help someone who's dying - to save a life. It's so astonishing to me and I would like to feel it for myself. But right now, I just need some Ethan time, so I could get my mind right. If I don't do that - this - I know to myself that I will fail at everything. I just need to... find myself.

My phone began to vibrate in my back pocket then my ringtone began ringing until I take it out quickly to answer it. My eyebrows furrowed when I noticed the caller ID, but the smile on my face seemed to be irresistible. I slide the phone to answer it, "C-Cody?"

"Ethan, you answered," he breathed out. I smile and nod my head, although he can't see me, and I look like an idiot. "I'm over it, Cody. We're cool."

"You're over it?" he questions. I bite my bottom lip, not knowing what he meant by the question. Does he mean what I mean - which is the fact that he dumped me to go play an unpopular and unimportant sport - or is he speaking about something else? So, instead of sounding confused when I answer, I decided to not answer on the whole. I ask him, "Uh w-what was it you wanted?"

"Listen, I visited today."

"What?" I almost shout, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I know you were in school then to the hospital - which you basically spend the entire night at," he states confidently. I blush tremendously and look downwards at my shoes. I'm so glad we're talking over the phone and not in person. I'd just be so awkward, and Cody would just kiss me and hug me pretending he didn't even see me turning into a cherry.

"So... you're gone?" I finally ask.

"Uhm no, not exactly. I'm at my old place, but I leave again tomorrow."

"Why did you go back there?" I raise an eyebrow curiously.

"I missed this place, believe it or not. So uh... do you want to like come over? I'd really like to see you..." he says, finally. I think I've waited for him to say this since the day he left me. I mean, of course at that time I hated him, but I still wanted him to come back and say these words to me. I missed him like crazy, and god knows I'm craving a guy's touch right now.

Unfortunately... "I'm grounded..." I tell him sadly.

"Well can I come over then?" he asked.

"Uhm..." I bite my bottom lip, thinking of what I could possibly tell my mother to get out of here. She basically doesn't trust me alone anymore, so I have to say something good. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to see Cody - it's just what I'll tell my mom. 

"Okay, can you like meet me at my place in like twenty minutes."

"Wait, you aren't home?" he asked.

"No. I'm at the hospital," I say softly. He's probably smiling. I knew he already knew where I was because that's just how he knows me to be. He doesn't know the real Ethan, and how I actually am. I think that entire good boy type of thing wasn't really me. I feel so much more comfortable as I am now. I guess I should thank Cody for that, huh?

"I could pick you up," he says quickly.

I sigh softly, not really in the mood to discuss anything anymore, "Okay, twenty minutes."

~*~*~*

Two Chapters updated on one!