Start Again

Chapter Forty-Two

Joon Soo

I kept checking my messages whilst I worked on my computer. Why was I checking my messages? Why did I feel so anxious?

The memory snapped forward to the next day. I was at a café with Ji Soo, then we were suddenly walking down a street. I spotted someone in the blur and pulled them aside.

"What do you think you're doing?" the person shouted with the same tone of voice. "Oh... Park Joon Soo."

"Your phone is okay, isn't it?" I asked.

I couldn't see her response.

"I don't understand. You said you had a good day. You said you were feeling homesick. But obviously you're not. You lied to me when you said you didn't have any friends because I can see how buddy buddy you two are. Did you lie about everything else too? Why? What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything... it's just... Can we go somewhere else to talk?"

*

As a sat up awake from my third memory dream this week, I grabbed my phone again. I looked through my messages, emails, contacts, photos, everywhere. I couldn't find a trace of another person. Who was she?

When I got out of bed, I approached my mother in the kitchen again, ready to quiz her.

"Eomeoni, can you please answer truthfully?" I asked.

"Depends what I'm answering."

"This phone..." I held it up. "Is it my real phone or a replacement?"

She paused for slightly too long before saying, "Your real one of course."

"Great." With that, I walked back to my bedroom, got changed, and headed off to find more information.

*

"Can I help you with anything?" the nurse asked as I approached the desk.

"Yes. I believe I left some of my belongings here when I was admitted. I was in such a rush to get out that I forget to grab them."

"What's your name?"

"Park Seo Joon."

"I'll just a get a supervisor to check—"

I cut her off. "Would you be able to get it for me, please? I'm just in a bit of a hurry to get to work."

"Of course sir. I'm sorry sir. Just one moment."

She disappeared into a back room and returned in five minutes, handing me a tray with items in a ziplock bag. She emptied them into the tray. "Your phone, ring, keys, and wallet were the only items on you."

Pretending they were familiar to me, I grabbed them out of the tray and slid them into my pockets. "Gamsahamnida."

Before doctor or nurse noticed me, I rushed off out of the hospital and went home.

I laid the contents out on my bed. First, I looked through my wallet. A photo of the Westerner and I was the first thing I noticed. Receipts to events littered my wallet. A keypass to one of the biggest newspaper companies in Seoul was in my wallet too. My eyes widened at the history of me. How could all these things just leave my mind? I inspected my keys. There was a car key and two other keys I didn't recognise. I then tried turning on my phone, but a lock screen came up.

"Aish!" I hissed. "How am I supposed to access my phone then?"

However, even though I couldn't look through, a picture of the same Westerner was on my lockscreen.

Lastly, I picked up the silver ring and spun it around. It was large enough for a man, but it only fit on my ring finger. Was I married? I couldn't be. Eomma wouldn't hide something that big. What was the ring?

I looked closer at it and noticed two letters were engraved. J and A. Bordering them were what looked like puzzle pieces.

*

The blurry image returned. A figure walked out of the room and I quickly pulled a jewellery box out from my back pocket.

"It's here!" the same voice I had been hearing over and over again called out.

The girl walked back into the living room and I knelt down on one knee.

*

I proposed? Who did I propose to? Were these real memories or was I imaging things?

I stormed out of the room to find my mother. "Did I possibly get married or engaged?" I asked her.

I could see her flabbergasted for words as she tried to think of a response. "Did you... remember something?"

"So I did?"

My mother's eyes shifted as she realised it wasn't necessarily a memory, but a fact I had found out. "Have you been snooping?"

"Of course. I want to know what I'm forgetting."

"You're not forgetting much. Just that you had a job."

"I've had dreams, eomma, of a person. She's very important to me."

She sighed and sat down. "I don't think you're ready yet, Joon Soo. You need to rest. You need to heal."

"Eomma, how can I rest when my heart aches for someone who's not here?"

"If you can't remember her, then obviously you haven't healed properly."

"The doctors said the swelling go down."

"But they also said to take it easy."

"I am taking it easy."

"Joon Soo, I cannot tell you about her yet. Give it a few more weeks."

"Eomma tell me."

"No."

"I'll find out on my own," I threatened.

"Please don't."

"Why not?"

"You'll only be sad. It's better if you forget her."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to see you sad again, Joon Soo. It was hard enough before. You forgetting her is a blessing. Now you can start again without worrying."

"Why? What did she do?"

Eomma went silent on me.

"Tell me. Who is she?"

She shook her head.

"Where is she?"

"Joon Soo, stop pestering me. Go back to bed and rest."

"Eomma!"

"She's dead, Joon Soo! She died in your car crash, okay?"

This person. This woman in my memories. The figure without a face who I harboured so many feelings for, was apparently gone. I couldn't remember her name, age, anything about her than these memories, yet, somehow, my whole world fell apart. Suddenly, I blacked out.