I jolted up, sweat dripping down my neck. I scrambled for the pills beside me and popped two into my mouth. "I shouldn't have done that." I muttered.
I sat up shaking violently, waiting for the medication to kick in. Slowly I started to feel numb a...
"They say stay in your lane boy, lane boy, cause we go where we want to." Twenty One Pilots.
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♥CASSANDRA'S JOURNAL.♥
April 5 // He hurt me again.
"What do you want from me!" I screamed across the room, and ran towards the door. It slammed shut and I felt my lungs begin to give out of me.
"Go away dad! Mom! Mommy!" I screamed, and back up into the wall as the man in the red suit neared me.
Dad always loved wearing red suits.
"Mommy!"
My mom ignored, and ignored me when I cry. She's inside the bathroom leaning against the wall covering her ears as the water flowed loudly in the bathtub. The mirrors began to fog and I knew her lungs were giving on out her too. She cried, but she wasn't able to move. Her body was in different colors, brown, green, blue, purple. And i'm about to experience the same thing. Only with me i'm going to get in places people can't see. I'm lucky today, the only thing he is going to do is beat me.
You can say I was kinda saved. Just a bit.
I'm still suffering as punches meet my fragile skin, and people wonder why my whole life has been confusing. He went away to go drink some champagne, while I bawled up in a ball and cried near the door.
The next morning I was ready for school. I tried hiding my limp in front of my dad, and sat down on a chair. He drank his extra dark coffee, with a side of wheat bread. He kissed me on my forehead and laughed as he had a conversation with my mother. It's as if nothing happened last night. My mom was an amazing actress, she went along with it great. I wore a black long sleeve shirt with dark jeans. I wasn't a fool at my age, I was 11. I was preparing for the day everyone learned about what my dad does to me and my mom.
One day people will hear.
I hope that day comes sooner or later because I don't know what to do anymore. No one knows what my father is capable of.
April 7 // how would I be like?
I wonder how my life would be when i'm 17, or 18, maybe even 24 . Would I be alive?
Would I addicted to drugs? Or maybe I would be married with 3 kids.
I want to be 18 already. I want to leave this place. I want to be happy again. Maybe mommy would love me more when I'm away and she would talk to me. Maybe she would be okay with me again.
I hope I will be taller, and prettier. I hope I would have someone who loves me. I hope I don't end up in drugs.
I wonder, would everything be okay by then?
April 13 // he did it again.
He punched me in the stomach and said It was my fault for everything that has happened. How is it my fault? He slapped me, and for the first time, he hit me in the face. It was a shock to me. It hurts. It still hurts. I kicked my legs out in front of me and accidentally kicked him in the face. I thought my life ended then. I couldn't go to school today because my leg hurts. He took my leg and punched it a bunch of times. It might be broken but I don't think it is, it just feels like it.
I want all of this to be over, why is it this complicated.
April 16 // Mom.
Mom is screaming right now. I hear her cries but I tried blocking them out with music. My skin begins to crawl when I hear glass shatter.
"You can't tell anyone about what is happening here. Everything will be over soon." My mother whispered into my ear a while ago.
Nothing is changing, we are both getting hurt.
I just don't know what to do.
April 23 // I'm scared.
I don't know what he did. But I know what he did. I can't say it, im too scared. This isn't okay, why is this happening to me. Why is this happening to me. How could he do that to me. I'm his daughter. My body trembled.
April 30 // I need help.
I can't think straight. I'm hurting. I'm hurting more than usual. It isn't the same anymore. It isn't the usual beating. It's more, a lot more. My mom knows it's a lot more. This isn't okay. I need help. I'm scared.
May 5 // Right now.
I just sat down after my dad. You know what he did to me? He hurt me again. I can read in between the lines, and I know exactly what he did. I'm not going to torture myself and write everything that has been happening to me. I can't tell anyone. This isn't okay anymore. I really need help. And i wish someone can hear my screams. I wish someone could read my cries. I don't want to be heard, I want to be listened to.
May 15 // I learned what cutting was.
They do say shows influence people, and they really do. My brain tingled when I saw Violet cut herself. I wondered, what is she doing? Then I did my research. It's quite interesting I can say.
So I tried it.
And I did it again.
I liked it.
I liked having control over my pain.
This feels better I thought, A lot better.
May 30 // I can't stop.
I want to regret it, but I can't. Everytime my dad hurts me, I add a line to the count. This is easier. I realized I ruined my body but i don't care. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness from anyone because no one needs to understand me. No one does.
June 2 // They found out.
The police banged against the doors frantically and took my dad away when he hit my mother. They took him away I said in my head, they took him away. He glared back at both of us when he sat in the police car. His red suit gleamed in the cars light and i felt like crying again. There is so much more to the story that I can't say. People are going to find out, and it wont lessen the pain. But at least i'm safe. It's all going to be better now. Better than before.
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Hope you guys understood this chapter. This chapter is pretty vital to the story line, and I really liked writing it because it was quite different the what I write.
Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!
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