the bad boy

The letters

I finally got home. I've been crying for a hour and a half, and now I'm just angry. Angry at myself. She's gone, she's really gone. She means everything to me.

I opened the door to the flat and Niall and Louis were already waiting for me. Jess was only in the hospital for three times, and then today she died.

"How is she"? Louis asked. Lou and her were really close, like best friends.

"She's gone...She's really gone" I cried, I walked over to Louis and put my hand on his shoulder.

Niall was surprised and hurt. Lou didn't say anything, but he was crushed.

"I'm sorry Harry I know how much she meant to you", Lou whispered.

I wanted the world to end. Without her I am nothing. She made me want to be a better person, and now I don't want to.

I sighed and walked back to my room, i shut the door as I walked in. I reached over to grab the bottle of vodka, I drowned it pretty quickly. I looked down at my phone to see a text from Simon.

"Were starting the new tour soon. Tell the boys, will be meeting at the studio at 3:00". I read.

Great! A tour after I had the worst thing possible could happen to me!

" Harry I have something for you". Louis whispered. He came closer and handed me a black book.

" What the hell is this"? I asked,

"The last thing Jess left us". He whispered and went back to the door.

I opened the book to the front page.

September 14th 2010.

Today was just horrible, the first day of school and I'm miserable.

Because of Harry.

Yes Harry Styles, the very person I hate. We've never got along.

Well he is in four of my classes and his locker is two down from mine. I hate every little thing about him.

Everything. He couldn't be more annoying.

And now I'm basically forced to be friends with him.

I sighed at the page and skipped through to the recent ones.

November 1st 2014.

Today I meet an old acquaintance, one that I hated but loved. Harry.

He took me to see the stars, and then he brought me home with him. I don't know why he's being so nice to me, after what I did to him the last time we saw each other. That was a sad day for the both of us. I changed him then I broke him, and he did the same to me.

Well were dating again. Well sort of. I hope it last, he can be a nice guy when he try's.

I flipped to the next page.

December 9th 2014.

I read to myself. This was only a couple of days ago.

To Harry

I cry when I'm with you and I cry when I'm without. Which is better? My eyes start to water when I see you smile. Every time you look at me it brakes my heart. Ever since we broke up.

I loved you. And you used me for trash.

Was I just a sex doll to you?

I can't cope with these feelings.

I don't think I'll ever will. It was your fault we broke up.

It was always you Harry.

It was you I loved.

It was you who broke my heart.

It was you whole betrayed me.

And it was you who never loved me.

I don't know why I ever thought you could love. You screwed up! Not me. You cheated. Not me. I will always love you. I can't say the same for you. Sadly.

I know I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. I know you'll never feel that way. You can fight for me or kill for me, But I know those won't be your true feelings.

I will always love you Styles -Jessie.

I sobbed at the last line. I miss her calling me styles.

I flipped the page once again.

To Harry

Today I saw your mom. She told me she hasn't seen you in years.

It broke me to see her. She looked broken too. Just the fact that you haven't spoke to her in three years. Hurts for me to hear.

Well I was looking for Christmas lights because I do shit at the last minute. And I started to think about us, and how it would of been our first Christmas together. I would of loved to see that moment. But you screwed it up. Like usual. I've never told you why I broke up with you before. It was because.....

Why did she stop writing? I want to know the reasons why. Like why would she kill herself, because of me?

Dear Harry,

You left me in the dust, when you hanged up. I'm in my house on my couch and I'm crying over you. You. Your always the person I'm crying over. It's always you. I'm completely wasted and I told you all my feelings that I still have for you, and you hang up. I'm so foolish for loving you.

I want to stay away from you. I want to keep our distance and there's only one way to do that, and that way is to....

Goddamn she stopped again.

That was the last of the letters, the last of her.

She must of meant the only way to get free from me was to kill herself. That's the reason why? It was because of me? I'm stupid, why didn't I just love her? Fuck, now she's gone and it's my fault.

How am I going to tell her mother, she'll blame it on me. But it was my fault, it is my fault. I'm guilty of doing this to her. I should of stayed away from her when I had the chance. She would of still been alive right now, living her life if it wasn't for me. I'm the screw up, around here. It's always me.

I'm the reason she's died.

I got up and walked to the door. I went I to the kitchen and grabbed the three bottles of vodka. I brought them back to my room and opened the first bottle and started to pour it down my throat. It burned like hell, but I loved it. It eased the pain of my heart and I sobbed. I didn't even notice the tears falling down my face, until they dropped on the loose papers in front of me. Where did these come from?

I opened up all three of the papers. They were letters, from Jess. Directly to me.