Soulmate AU's (Hamilton)

Someone You'd be Proud Of (wamilton)

(This is just a special kick for a platonic Wamilton. Where Alexander is still torn over Washington's death, and tries to admit the small- large very large- Fatherly effect Washington had on Alexander) 

"I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of....Things that if you'd been around, I know would make you sad..." Alexander mumbled. He knelt down next to Washington's grave stone in the middle of the night, his car lights and his phone the only thing giving him light in the creepy place. He moved and scooted next to it, as if the stone was Washington himself. He tried to memorize sitting in cabinet meetings with Washington right next to him, Thomas on his other side, and Washington calmly stopping fights between the two. 

"I've been a selfish person one who gave up, and never saw the things that I still have. All I wanted was to see you every day since you were gone, but now if I turn and look I know I won't go...." Alexander knew, he always did. He would walk past Washington's office, which now barley inhabited John Adams, and get a heavy heart that his only father figure was gone. No one questioned whenever Alex would walk in and sit in the chair in front of the desk on days Adams never showed up. The way Alex would pretend Washington was yelling at him, memorizing their last fight, the talk they had on Washington's death bed. 

"So let memories stay memories kept safe inside my heart. For ten years late, I finally think I know...It's time to say goodbye, it's time to start to try.." Alexander chuckled sadly, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He looked up at the sky, the dark, starry night gleaming in the distance. He knew Washington was up there, smiling with Martha and chuckling about how Alexander was so constant about him not referring to Alex as his son. 

"For who I've been is not who I should be. It's time to choose what's right; instead of choose to hide, from this day I promise I will try, and see if I can be," Alex turned and leaned against the grave stone as if it was Washington's chest. He laid against it as Philip had done to him many times, how he assumed a child would act to a father. 

"Someone you'd be proud of, someone you'd be proud of...." Alex mumbled, remembering the events of the past year. The Adams incident, or the Adams administration as everyone had called it. Where Alexander had slandered John Adams while he was president at the company, and gotten himself fired. That was a month or so after Washington passed. Alexander had slandered Adams, accusing him of never doing his work or showing up, when secretly Alexander was grateful he was never there. That meant he could sit in George's sound proof room and cry to himself, apologizing to nothing but thin air. Lafayette had found him like that once, puffy eyed with messed up hair. Lafayette was a good friend, he had taken Alexander under his arm and walked him out, silencing anyone who dared to ask with a glare. Lafayette had placed his coat over Alex's shoulders, ushering him  out of the office building and to a car, and stayed with him till he got home. 

Then the next few months or so, the Reynolds Pamphlet... oh god everyone told him not to publish it. Every friend who he'd asked, every coworker who saw and heard, every post director he ordered to post it. The look of abandonment and betrayal on Eliza's face, on Angelica's.... on Philip's. Alexander hadn't meant for the nine year old to read it, but Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr had other plans. James Madison had come to him, immediatley apologizing for not being able to stop them. Alexander had come home to Philip in tears, Eliza no where to be seen. He had just hugged Philip, and was thankful, oh so thankful he wasn't pushed away. He cherished his baby boy, he wouldn't know what to do if he had made Philip hate him. It was too hard to think about. Even if Eliza hated him, and Angelica, Alexander couldn't have Philip hate him. He knew he had messed up, badly, but Philip... he was so young, so pure. 

"I never thought that I'd do something special, if something needed saving I was not the one you'd pick..." Alex placed a hand to the grave stone, sliding down slightly. The cool night air gripped his cheeks and rustled his hair softly. His forehead suddenly became warm, and so did his arms. Alexander closed his eyes, and tried to imagine one of the many times George had hugged him, and kissed the top of the boy's head in a fatherly manner. Alex shook hard with sobs, hugging his elbows at the memory of the beloved general.