«dear diary» x fillie

«two»

I was watching my favourite show, Gravity Falls, on my television when I received a new text message.

"Hey Mills it's Finn, wanna come over?"

I love when he calls me Mills, it's one of the only nicknames I enjoy. In all honesty I would love to hang out with him, I just was too damn lazy to get off of my bed. Today was one of my lazy days when I don't want to do anything other than binge-watch and eat food. I know I shouldn't be eating so much because I don't want to become a whale, so I limit myself on how much I will consume. About ten minutes went by and I totally got sidetracked with all these thoughts. I replied back:

"Of course, what tine?"

Usually I am not allowed to hang out without my mother knowing at least two days prior, but since this was Finn it was totally okay with her. My mom, she adores him. It's like he's another child to her. And after everything he's done for me, she loves him even more. I'm grateful to have someone like him.

"Now."

After I finished my last episode I got dressed int  something more appropriate than a pair of pajamas. I put on a pair of leggings with a sweatshirt and boots. I told my mom that I was leaving to head to his house for a little while.

I rode my bike through the cold, windy weather that had approached me. Finn lived up the street from me, so it really wasn't an inconvenience to me. After about fifteen minutes of a pure wind-blizzard I finally got to where I needed to be.

I knocked on the door, freezing, and Finn opened the door rather quickly.

"Wow Mills you look great."

I slightly blushed at what he had said as he motioned me to come inside.

"What's up? How have you been?" He asked as I was hanging my jacket on the rack. Finn's home has become my second home, considering I'm here eighty two hours a week, I think I have a right to say that. I like being here, Finn and his family have made me feel like I'm welcomed and loved. Sometimes my own family can't do that.

"I'm doing okay," I told him as I took a seat on his couch, "where are your parents?"

"They're out'," he replied.

"And they don't care that I'm here you know, alone with you?"

"It's not like we're doing drugs or anything,"

I could only look away.

"What's wrong?" He asked me with concern in his eyes.

"Please don't tell me you started using again,"

The thing with Finn was that he knew that I did drugs for awhile and absolutely hated it. I hated myself for doing what I did, too but I needed something to take away my pain or at least make me stop thinking about it. I stopped when my mom found out and made me go to a mental institution because she thought I was absolutely insane, but maybe she's right, maybe I am insane and out of my mind. But what are you going to do about it?

The reason why I started using again was never clear to me, I was stressed and needed something, drugs are addictive and it's hard to just stop.

"I'm sorry," I said to him as I noticed I started to cry'

"I-I think I should go," as I started to grab my coat from the rack it was on.

"Millie wait!" I heard him yell to me, trying to stop me from getting on my bike and never turning back.

I got on my bike and I found it hard for me to focus, and all I could feel were hot tears streaming down my face. I hate myself, I hate myself for doing this. I hate who I've became and everything I am doing to myself. I'm going to die if I can't control myself.

I went up to my room through the basement and ran up the stair getting up to my room so my mom wouldn't see me and question why I was a wreck. I locked my door and found myself on the floor, finding it harder and harder to breathe. After five minutes I decided to do something that always calms me down- writing in my diary.

Dear diary;

I want to be happy. I never knew how much one could hate their own self until now. I never asked for this- to be depressed, wishing I was no longer living every night. It's like I'm not even living anymore, I'm dead and I'm gone. I'm just surviving.

- M

I shut my diary and hid it under the only safe place, under my bed. I laid in my bed for a few minutes before eventually falling asleep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe one day I will be cured from this disease. Maybe one day I will be the happy smiling girl I used to know.

Maybe one day.