«dear diary» x fillie

《ten》

If you're reading this, just know it's getting worse. In that I mean my depression. Each day I'm getting worse. I'm barely eating anymore, I'm using again, and worst of all, Finn seems to be fading from me.

He's always hanging out with Grace. How is he not sick of her? Doesn't he know how much she's hurting me?

-

I walked into school and I looked like shit. I didn't want to try anymore. I was just kinda done. I was walking to my locker when my friend Noah approached me. "Hey Mills!" He sounded so happy. "Hi Noah," I said with a fake smile. I opened my locker to see some sort of sticky note taped on the inside.

"He's mine now, and you can't stop me. Xoxo- G."

Grace.

Bitch what the fuck?

"What is it?" Noah asked. "Oh it's nothing," I said while ripping the paper into shreds. "Are you okay?" He asked. I could see the worry in his eyes. "Yeah, totally," I lied.

I sat at my normal table in the lunchroom, Noah by my side. And Finn, well Finn seems like he's getting along well with Grace. They're constantly hanging out, laughing, talking. He must've forgotten about me. But that's okay because I'm used to it. People always seem to forget about me.

Noah, he's been there for me since Finn has started to fade. Each day Noah is always waiting for me at my locker, he seems to be taking the spot of Finn. Finn and I haven't talked in god-knows-how-long. Is this how a relationship is supposed to work?

The day went by slow and more slower each minute. The clocks seemed to be working slower and slower and slower. I just wanted to leave. As much as I have been trying to stay positive, it's not working. I want to go home and cry. I felt like I could cry for days if I had the chance. I feel like that's all I do anymore. Crying seems to relieve the pain. I try not to be a baby and it's very rare that I cry in public.

-

Dear diary;

How much longer am I going to have to keep doing this? Fighting is so hard. Fighting to stay alive is my weakness. I could give up right now. I could easily cut in the wrong place and boom, I could be gone in seconds. I have to keep fighting.

I have to.
I have to.
I have to.

But I don't want to.

-M

-

It's well past 11:30 now. I'm in my bed crying. It gets bad at night. I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Finn was my whole life. He loved me with all of his heart and I knew it. I loved him with my broken heart that wasn't so broken because of him. Now he's fading.

The only question that I wish I knew the answer to was why. Why would he be doing this shit?

I picked up the blade.

You deserve this Millie. You're not special. Cut. Look at yourself, you're a mess, you're a worthless piece of shit. Cut. Maybe he finally figured that out.

Everything around me is blurry and suddenly I find myself having trouble breathing. I don't fight it though. This is what I get. This is what I want.

All because of one stupid boy.

And there I laid, on my bedroom floor. And suddenly I felt no more pain.

-

A/N- God guys it's been so long since I've updated. I have no motivation what-so-ever. I am updating the next chapter soon though because I don't want to leave you guys sh00k like I know I've already have. This book sucks man.

And this is not the end of the story- it's only the beginning.

:)

- Kaitlyn