«dear diary» x fillie

《twelve》

I've been in this hospital for three days now, and finally I am going home. I am on antidepressant pills which are supposed to change my mood. Finn has been here with me all three days and I am so grateful for it.

I don't know how I survived after all of the scars that are starting to form on my wrists/arms. I must have been really upset to be so determined to do something like this.

I really hate myself, don't get me wrong, but Finn has made me not hate myself as much. I feel like he's the only one I can actually communicate and express how I feel with. I mean, he is my boyfriend but I'm still so blessed.

I was in my mom's car and we were heading back home. It took about an hour to return. I was looking through my window listening to music when we came by an old bridge by where I live. I saw somebody walking on the sidewalk of it and they were just looking down over into the water. At first I didn't recognize the person that I was seeing but as we inched closer I had a full view of who it was.

And it was no one other than Finn Wolfhard.

"Mom pull over," I pleaded. I started to get worried because I didn't have any clue why he would be on a bridge just staring down at the water below. "What is it?" She asked. "Finn!" I looked over at my mom for about ten seconds and by the time I looked back, Finn was standing on the railing of the bridge. I got out of my car and raced over to him as fast as humanely possible. "Finn what the fuck!" I yelled. I couldn't tell if he heard me or not. He put one foot over the edge. "Finn stop!" I yelled even louder. Can he not hear me? I stopped in my tracks, right behind him, crying and shaking not knowing what he was about to do. He turned around to me and spoke two final words. "Goodbye Millie." He spoke in a whisper. I could tell he was crying also. "No!" I yelled as I grabbed onto him pulling him off of the rail. "Millie why did you do that?! Can't you see there's no point in my life anymore?!" The more I listened to him the more he started sounding like me.

"Finn please tell me what happened. Why are you trying to take your life?" I asked, holding him so he couldn't think of anything else. "Millie, I'm depressed! I'm fucking depressed can't you see?" He spoke with so much hurt that I could feel my heart crack. "Finn you should have told me," I said. "Are you going to leave me?" He asked. "No Finn, I'm not leaving you. I promise. We're going through the same thing and trust me I know what it feels like to wanna stop living. You're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, okay? And I mean that. You don't ever have to worry about me hurting you or leaving because I never will. Now let's go back home, please."

We got into my car and my mom was silent the whole way home. She agreed that it was okay if we hung out. I think she was more shocked to see Finn thinking of doing something like that, and that left her speechless.

We decided on hanging out at my house because that's where we would rather stay. We spent the rest of the day watching The Vampire Diaries and just talked. Finn left my house at around 8, and since I was really tired from all of the previous occurrences from today, I was going to go to sleep at 9.

Before I went to bed, I knew I had to write in my diary because I was a few days off since I had been stuck in the hospital for what seems like eternity. I opened up to a blank page and began to write my thoughts.

Dear diary;

I was somewhat shocked at what happened today. I don't want to explain exactly what happened, but I know that one day when I open this diary and flip to this page I will know exactly what I was talking about. Finn and I are the perfect for eachother. I'm there for him, and he is always there for me.

I love him.

-M

I closed the diary I was holding in my hands and started to cry. I just wanted Finn to be okay. I feel like I have something to do with his sudden sadness. I don't want to imagine my life without him. But I feel like that's what it's coming to.