«dear diary» x fillie

《six》

"Finn!"

I can't believe what I'm seeing right now.

I didn't want to believe what I had been seeing.

There's my best friend. With a blade. On the floor. Crying.

I ran over to him and hugged him, tears streaming down my face.

"Millie I-I'm s-sorry."

I couldn't take this. I couldn't take my best friend feeling like this too. The worst part of it all was that I felt as if this had been all my fault. I mean, if he really wanted to take his own life because of me, that would show how much of a true friend he is.

"Why would you do this?!" I sounded angry but it was just the way it came out. I couldn't stop crying and that made it even worse.

"I don't want you to have to face this alone."

There it was. The one sentence- ten words that has caused my heart to shatter. He did this. Because of me. Because he didn't want me to deal with depression by myself.

I'm so horrible.

-

I immediently called 911 and they rushed Finn out of there. I could tell how much pain he was in and how much I hated myself because I caused it.

I wanted to get better. I did not want Finn to do this. I needed to see him. I wasn't able to see him while he was in his room at the hospital for a good two hours. Finally a nurse came in and told me that I could see him.

-

"Finn."

I softly spoke to him, trying not to startle him.

"Wha-what h-happened?"

He sounded so innocent.

"Finn, you did something really really terrible and you are in the hospital."

I'm guessing that he didn't remember what had happened the night before, or where he  and I was sorta glad. I didn't want him to wake up and immediently be upset with himself- or even me.

"What's this?"

He pointed at the gashes on his wrists.

"Finn-"

"Did I do this?"

I can't- I won't lie to him but I want to. I don't want to see him suffer but he needs to know the truth. He needs to remember what he did.

"Yes."

I could see tears forming in his eyes.

"W-why w-would I do this?"

He was shaking and in tears.

"You did it-"

I stopped for a split second wondering if I should tell him.

"You did it because of me."

-

Finn was being sent home tomorrow, so I couldn't see him today. I sat in my room. Pondering. Pondering about why this happened. Why did he care so much about me? I had so many thoughts. So so many thoughts. The only place I would be able to write them down in would be my diary.

So that's what I went to.

Dear diary;

I want to turn back the clock. If I didn't lock myself in the bathroom and act like a baby maybe- just maybe this wouldn't have happened. My best friend, my amazing best friend couldn't remember what he had did on that night. He doesn't remember that he could've seriously hurt himself or even worse- kill himself. I need to apologize. I need to tell him how sorry I am. I caused this. I am a monster. I mess up everything- even my best friend.

-MBB

-

I wish I could see into the future and see what would happen from here. See what would happen with Finn, and see what would happen with myself. I think that life sometimes messes things up on purpose. Maybe life just doesn't want us to be happy. Maybe it's just some sick game.

But on a positive note,

I can't wait to see Finn tomorrow.

-

i have big plans for this book- don't hate me for it though, even though you probably will.