Love and Only Love

Chapter 22

"You two are quiet today." Dr. Rankin said as Don and Meryl didn't look at each other or touch which was very unusual for their therapy sessions. Meryl had been released a few days before and they had a fight that morning.

Don took a deep breath. "We are having a difference of opinion where her health is concerned."

"Don, Hal said it's good for me." Meryl sighed.

Dr. Rankin looked up from her notes. "Meryl, what is good for you?"

"I was getting ready to go out to the grocery store this morning and Don totally flipped out on me. I was going to take a cab there and back. I wasn't even going to get that much." Meryl said. "And my guard was going with me."

Don ran his hands through his hair. "How many times in the past few weeks have you almost died? You have no business going to Whole Foods...by yourself. You still have to take it easy."

"Haven't we been saying how we need to live our lives and take the power back? That's what I was TRYING to do until you forbade me which is something our marriage is NOT about." Meryl was exasperated.

Dr. Rankin saw the look on Don's face. "Don, is it really because you don't want her to tire out?"

"Yeah." Don said unconvincingly.

The look didn't go unnoticed by Meryl; as well as the way he was twirling his wedding ring. Meryl softened as she moved closer to him. "Come on, Don. Why?"

"Because I wouldn't be there; you didn't want me to go." Don said quietly.

Dr. Rankin nodded. "You two talk this out."

"Don, part of me healing is doing things without you. Letting you out of my sight; which is still extremely hard for me. I finally felt strong enough both emotionally and physically and you tell me no. Just the thought of going out without you was terrifying but it's something we've been working towards. Part of getting our lives back." Meryl explained.

Dr. Rankin looked at the two of them. "Don, that is what you, all of us, have been working towards. So, why else?"

"I'm scared, alright?" Don said.

Meryl placed her hand on his leg. "Why, Don Man, why were you scared?"

"Lately, whenever I let you out of my sight something happens. You're attacked when I'm in that fucking bathroom, you are shot at when my back is turned, I leave your room at the hospital and you were taken away without my knowledge and I come into the den from the kitchen to find you gray on the floor and gasping for air. Twenty years ago when I let my guard down you and Henry were taken. I guess I was afraid if I let you walk out those doors then you wouldn't come back. I know I didn't react rationally."

Dr. Rankin nodded. Not surprised the direction this conversation took. "Fear isn't rational."

"Sweetheart." Meryl choked as she ran her fingers through his hair. "Why didn't you just tell me that was why?"

Don shrugged. "I don't think I realized that until now."

"That was good, Don. You both have come a long way. How does hearing this make you feel, Meryl?" Dr. Rankin asked.

Meryl was blinking back tears as she took his hand in hers. "It breaks my heart. I know he has to go through this, that we have to go through it, it just hurts that he is; that we are."

"Talk through it now." Dr. Rankin urged.

Don turned towards Meryl. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that. Like we said, baby steps, and you were taking baby steps; regardless of how I acted, I am proud of you for trying to do so. I need to let you. We've been together almost constantly and I guess as I saw you getting ready to walk out that door I realized I needed to let go of control and I lost it. There is hardly any of this I can control but you and Gracie and Lou being near me, safe, is something I could control. However, you are right, I have never controlled you and I don't want to start now. I want us to go forwards; not backwards. I recognize that now."