Under His command

Part 4

He took my breath thrice more before he pulled me from the floor, stripped me bare and commanded I crawl to his play room. A play room. I shake my head at the thought. There's nothing play about this experience. It is not a game but rather the essence of self. Silence engulfs me in the darkness. The walls are acoustically dead. The floor is covered in a lush rich carpet with thick padding which my knees have thanked him often. With nothing to distract me, my mind runs ragged through the last few weeks. My mistakes, missteps and morose decisions come clear in the jumble of thoughts.

"You will face your pain alone." His voice breaks the silence and startles me out of my reverie. "It will not be suffering for me. Nor will it be for my pleasure. The pain you face will consume you in the darkness. Seconds will tick by and you will pay for your sins. Do you accept your fate, pet?"

His words cascade over my thoughts. Fear and sorrow reach out and wrap their tendrils around me. My tongue is thick in my mouth and I force it to part.

"I accept my fate." My voice is but a whisper. When I feel him move, I breathe a sigh of relief he does not make me attempt the words again. Never have I faced such a fate alone. The chance to run is handed on a silver platter and still I stay. For a moment I question my sanity.

"Stand."

My limbs push off the floor. With great care I rise to my full height. I do not understand how he can see in the pitch blackness.

"You will accept your first fate alone. The decisions to face the world alone over the past weeks were yours. Since you did not want my presence then, I will not give it to you now."

His hands push me against the pole wrapped in hemp rope. It abrades my skin with each quick movement. Behind my back my hands are lashed together. Knots upon knots hidden until my fingers can no longer find the escape. He knows I will try. I am sure he hopes I will fail.

On the floor my feet are placed into boots secured to it. The wide stance immediately causes my legs to ache. Again I wonder at the wisdom of my decision. They are fastened. The lock clicks loudly in the oppressive stillness. Even if I manage to get my hands free, my stance would not be lessened in this contraption.

"To know the heights of pleasure one must experience the depths of pain. To know joy one must understand sorrow. To know acceptance one must live through rejection. To experience surrender one must fight themselves and open in all ways. All of these things you will know. Some we will spend more time exploring than others. This is your journey. The ordeal you must battle to return to your rightful self and understand the depth of need for you place."

He steps so close his breath grazes my cheeks. "No matter what happens from here, know that you are cherished and adored. What I do, I do out of my love for you. For neither the Master nor the slave walks this journey without peril. When you believe yourself to be allowed, look inside and see if the truth differs from the perception."

A round set of objects push against my lips.

"Open."

My lips parts. The sweet sour taste of kumquats invade my mouth. A long rods skewers them. He pulls back on the ends of the rod and ties it behind the pole. Within seconds drool streams down my lips.

"Control. You no longer have it over the lips that formed the words which pushed me away."

Fingers pinch hard on my nipples. I try to flinch away but the bondage holds me tight. The grip of clamps press against the left one until it is almost unbearable. He places the right one. I groan. My body aches.

"This will be your stance against the world. For six weeks you pushed me away and for that you will endure the weight of it." The chain between the nipple clamps grows heavy. "Each weight represents a week of weight you added to the world with no remorse. Now I add it to you to bear tangibly." The words are interspersed with the addition of each weight until all six dangle between my aching nipples.

He places something in my hand, rearranging my thumb over a round object. "Should you need to stop, press the button. In doing so, you must realize it will be over. Our relationship cannot go further. Nod if you understand."

I nod in the blackness.

"Very good, pet. I will check on you soon."

Across the room I hear the click of the door. Part of me plunges into despair. He has never asked me to endure a torment alone. It is usually for his pleasure and our mutual benefit. This time I am alone. His eyes do not pass across my body in its suffering. None of my whimpers or moans pass across his ears.

The wide stance forces my legs to adjust the weight. Drool runs in long strings down my body, weaving a path across the pain in my nipples. The hemp pokes and abrades my skin with each passing minute.

For the first bit, I focus on untying the knots which bind my hands. The attempt is futile. There are no ends, only endless knots. My mind ebbs and flows through endless thoughts. Time stops. There is only the increase from a dull ache in my nipples to pain. Each movement swings the weights. Pain shoots through the clamps. The long moments catch my breath. The only thing that brings an ounce of peace is to stop, relax my body and free my mind from the torment of thoughts tumbling through it. A single tear drops from the corner of my eye. It pokes at my perceived weaknesses. I lift my head and focus in anger. I will not quit, no matter what he throws at me.