Under His command

Part 12

For a moment I hold my breath. There's a dangerous edge in his voice but he doesn't flinch a muscle. Around me the air stills in the rising tension. I'm in too deep. More vulnerable than I have ever allowed myself to be with anyone. My words next words will create a path which we will both be forced to complete. A shiver runs down my spine.

"I'm waiting."

"I would not have your attentions if I were not worthy to receive them but..." I pause, knowing I have to complete the statement. "I confess I feel unworthy in all of my faults and fears."

Mentally, I brace for his reaction. He does not move.

"Continue your confession."

I let the breath I hold release. The tension rushes forward from my body. For a moment I do not understand why there isn't a torrent of action. Why he is not doing something? He sits there calmly. Only the tone of his voices changes to note any reaction.

"I confess to my self-destructive ways. Faced with overwhelming situation, I do not reach out to receive what is freely given. I confess the belief that surrender is the ultimate sign of weakness. I confess I close into myself, biting and clawing at anyone who comes near when I feel wounded." The words are like a razor cutting open a sore. The pain of each slice rips through me. "I confess I often feel alone when I push others away. I confess I do not feel up to the tasks set in front of me. I confess I feel like a failure in your sight and could never live up to the standards I believe I should obtain. I confess to my poor attitude. I confess to giving into my fear instead of facing my confessor for the catharsis and release which binds us together."

My head drops. Tears prick the back of my eyes but I refuse to let them spill forth.

"Tell me of your fear. What do you fear which makes you step away from your confessor and your penitence?"

I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut. The step forward is too much.

"Pet." The endearments is so soft I strain to hear it.

"Pain." I barely whisper.

"What type of pain do you fear? It can't be emotional pain, for you confession is heavy with emotion and you bear it well. Tell me the pain you fear. Make it tangible in words for my ears to hear."

The word bites against my tongue. It will open me. I've watched so many people take it. Their bruised body a proud symbol of their triumphs. I've sat in awe of their ability to process each stroke.

"Physical pain." I choke on the words.

Silence slithers between us, threatening to strangle my next breath.

"Very good pet. But the tension in your body tells me you still hold something from me. Physical pain is not your only fear."

My mind races through my body searching for the area I did not allow to relax. The part of my body which will not let me hold even the most intimate details from him. He leans forward and massages my shoulders. The tension bunches and releases with his touch.

"I am paying attention. Even when you do not think I see. How could I demand you to know me if I do not lead by knowing you?" His voice floats against my ear.

"It's stupid."

"Nothing between us is stupid- but that statement will cost you. What are you holding back?"

"I fear physical pleasure." My shoulders relax under his ministrations.

"See how good it is to confess? How much you release when the words give it meaning?"

I nod and allow the rest of the tension to seep out of my body.

"Do you have anything else to confess?"

"No Sir." The words slip through my lips.

His stances shifts and he steps back.

"As your confessor I must offer you a way to manifest physical absolution. Are you ready to face absolution?"

No, I scream in my mind. I pull against my bonds. In front of me he waits while I process and react. He does not move. Just stands over me. I have a choice to move forward or to stop, both have deep consequences and I wrestle with myself. I push down my fear enough to answer.

"Yes Sir." The words resign me to my fate.

"I have heard your confession, as your confessor. The words give credence to things you tried to hide. Before I make my pronouncement, I want to be clear on some things. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are important. I sit in awe of your amazing talents. When you pull away, I sit in frustration when you try to destroy yourself. I both abhor and adore your sharp witted tongue. I want you in my life, to watch you grow, walk with you as we conquer fears and see you smile in true happiness. It is because of these things I give you the absolution you need. As your Master, my job is to give you a desire to follow, to grow and open. Sometimes it means the darkness must be cut away. You will face those things with which you confess in the physical pain you fear until you shatter."