Maknae= Taemin

My Love Is Pain

Taemin~

One entire week without speaking to Minho is awful. I miss him too much. Everyone's reaction to my new look was priceless. It was about time that I change. Being the same for so long restrains you. Loving the same person for so long only causes pain. I've practiced Sherlock so many times. I could do it in my sleep. My restless sleep. I barely sleep anymore. I wake up covered in sweat some nights because of my nightmares. I want him to be next to me. I want him to keep me in his arms. No blankets are enough to keep me warm. My arms hurt from the constant dancing. All of me hurts. This is the price I pay for my talents. I'm tired from all of this. But I have to keep at it or my mind will wander and I'll think of him. 

I enter the practice room and Minho's there. He's doing the Sherlock dance. Minho is very good but still needs some training. He turns when he hears the door shut. "I'll leave." I say quietly. 

"That's okay. There's enough room for both of us to practice." I stand beside him and he starts the music over. We dance quickly, trying to move quicker than the other. It's not going to happen for either of us. I sigh. 

"More like this, Minho." I show him the moves. 

"Talking to me now?" He's bitter. I understand that. 

"I'm helping you. It doesn't mean we'll talk like everything's normal." 

"Of course not. Things can't be fixed that easily can they?" He changes the song to Lucifer. I change my dance to match. 

"Nope." 

"Because you need your time to be okay" He turns the music up louder. "And I need mine. Right?" 

"Spot on." 

"Usually. I was ready to be done with this." 

"You rarely stay on touchy subjects for more than a few minutes." 

"Because I'm unable to have any feelings?" 

"Because you're not like me. You don't care." 

"Stop being dumb. You're not stupid Taemin, but you sure do act like it sometimes." 

"Thanks Minho. You're in a lovely mood." 

"I'm acting exactly like you." 

"Act your age." 

"I should act like a child. Like the Maknae." I stop and turn to him. 

"I don't act like a child. I always try to fit in with you guys but I never can because you won't let me. I have to be a kid." 

"Throw a tantrum." 

"Sometimes I feel like it." He faces me. 

"And it's all my fault." 

"Mostly." He rolls his eyes. 

"I look out for you. I try to make sure everyone's okay. Especially you and now you're acting like you don't matter to me." I get in his face. I want him to get mad. 

"Do something about it." 

"I won't hit you." 

"What if I wanted you to? If you care about me you'll give me what I want." 

"I'm not going to hit you." 

"Why not?!" 

"Because I care about you! I could never hit you or be violent toward you!" 

"Yeah right." He closes his eyes and shakes his head. 

"Everything with you turns into a big mess. I try... All I can do is try. It never works. This is all pain." He lovers the volume of his voice. "I can't understand why this happens." The door opens. 

"You're trying to guilt me. It's not going to happen." He opens his eyes and I see the fury within them. 

"I'll stop caring about you and be happy. Is that what you want?" I get closer to him and Jonghyun bursts in. He pulls me back. 

"Maybe it is!" He starts to walk up to me when Onew comes in and yanks him back. "I know that I don't want you!" 

"That's so sweet of you Taemin." His voice is full of acid. "When I didn't answer your question, I was trying to think of a way to explain everything to you in a way you'd understand. I was busy caring about you and didn't think of myself!" 

"Like you care about me! Don't fake your feelings!" Key stands between us. 

"Stop it both of you!" Key screams. 

"Would I honestly fake something like that? Is that the kind of guy you think I am?!" 

"You're selfish and hateful! You're dumb and mean! You're everything I pray not to be!" He tries to pull away from Onew's hold. "That's right Minho. Come on and hit me! Let's go! Keep caring about me and hit me! Just like the big man you are!" 

"Go to hell!" 

"See you there!" 

"Guys stop it! Seperate yourselves. Right now. Please." I shake out of his grasp and head to the door. 

"I can't do this anymore. I need to go." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I get to the vacation house that my parents stay in sometimes. I needed to leave that situation. We were going to hurt each other very soon. I never thought... I never imagined... We're both at fault now. My ears ring from the yelling. I wish none of that had happened. My hand touches the house phone. I want to call them. I want to talk to anyone but Minho. I grab the phone and dial. The line connects. "Onew?" 

Minho~

I sit on the floor of the empty room beside our game room and bring my knees to my chest. I wasn't going to hit him. I could never hurt him like that but he was so awful and screaming at me. I didn't want this. Taemin is the last person I want to fight with. The other guys are playing games in the room beside me. I can hear Onew on the phone. "Calm down. Taemin calm down please." He called? "No he's not with me. I'm a room away." I lay flat on the ground. It feels nice to have something solid underneath me. "He's not okay. He's messed up." My stomach is sick. There's a large window on the wall. I can see them and they can see me. "I'm pretty sure he's sorry too." I grab a mat from the closet and shut off the light. I'll sleep here tonight. I feel like I can't move right. "Are you okay though? Do you need anything?" He called Onew because Onew's the leader. He knows how to deal with everything. "I can check on him if you want." Onew slides the window open. "Hey Minho?" 

"Yeah." 

"How are you?" 

"I feel like I'm dying." 

"Do you want me to come in there with you?" 

"I'm fine." 

"Call me if you need me." He shuts the window. "He's not good." I can feel the tears threatening to spill out. I don't cry. Not ever. "It's not a good idea for you to come back here. Not right now. Cool off." He pauses. "We both know you're not ready. Put some space between yourselves. That was really heated. Why were you telling him to hit you?" I let them fall. My tears fall and I don't find the strength to wipe them away. "Don't cry." He's crying?! The image of my strong Taemin crying pierces my heart. "You don't have to worry about him not missing you. He does. I can tell. Do you want him to call you tomorrow?" I perk up. He wants to. Rain pours outside. "Alright. I'll let him know. Get some sleep okay? You can call me anytime you want. Okay. Bye." I've never felt this bad in my life. It's because I feel things for him. Things I can't really explain. 

Am I gay?