Chapter 19

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Chapter 19

Why Fall For Him

*Justin's pov*

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My mom laid her head to the side as she said her last goodbyes. Just as her pulse dropped, my father, my mom and I knew this was it. In a few seconds she would leave us and join the Heavens above.

"Hey, mom, I'll see you soon." I said, knowing her last few seconds were coming to an end. Her life was set on a timer and she hit the snooze button several times so she could see me for the last time. I turned my attention to my father, whose eyes were full of tears. Tears slowly streamed down his face. He rested his head on her chest, begging her to stay. I would do the same, but I would hate myself knowing I'd be asking her to stay here on Earth, suffering; near death, when she could go to a care free place. A place where all her worries are no longer. A place where pain and suffering doesn't exist.

"Don't rush your life for me, please" she slowly said, dragging her words as her breathing decreased. I promises her, but at the moment I don't know how long I can fulfill my promise. My life is slowly falling apart. I have nothing to live for now that Selena left me and my parents life's are slowly fading away. My mom just moments away from her peaceful arrival to Heaven.

The sound of death sounded so soothing yet scary and dreadful.

She let out a soft sigh, her eyes shut just seconds later. Her body went to a still motion. The ventilator she was put on beeped, indicating she died.

This is it, I thought. I shook my head as I gripped onto her shirt, not wanting to let go. I bawled into her shoulder. Nothing I could do can bring her back, I reminded myself.

This is life.

She's happy now. She's no longer

suffering in pain. I reminded myself.

Two weeks have passed but it feels much longer. Nothing has gotten better, if not worse. My father and I have been planning her funeral. Late nights and no sleep have worn me out. Overthinking everything has brought me to my breaking point. Tears and shame have conquered me and everything I am. I no longer belong to myself, but the tears, shame and hatred own me now and have full custody over me. After all, they're overruling me. All I do is break down and cry when I'm alone.

Now what am I to do? My father can't take much more. He'll leave me soon. Not by choice. But by nature. Of old age. I'm not counting down to his death. I'm dreading it more than anything. I've realized throughout all of this, loosing someone you love is the worst thing you'll ever come across. Whether it's a family member or a friend, or your fiancé. She left me. It's understandable, I guess. I would have left me too if I was cheating on myself. Damn, I have left myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost. I can't find my path back to recovery. You can't start until you reach your starting point. I don't think I've made it to the starting point just yet.

I thought I had everything made until a few years ago. From there, I've lost myself. Involving myself with numerous amount of drugs, tobacco products, fights, arguments, and alcohol. I've completely knocked all of those things out of my life since I went to rehab. If I said it wasn't hard, I'd be lying. It's the hardest thing I've done aside from letting go of Selena.

My dad patted me on the shoulder as he pulled a up beside me, distracting me from my thoughts. He placed his plate of food on the table. Neither one of us have eaten much in the past two weeks. Does it effect me and my health? Maybe. Do I care? Not in the slightest bit.

After loosing both Selena and my mom, I've completely shut down. Selena has my lamp sitting in her hands while my mom holds the light bulb in her hands. Unless someone pulls me back together and screws a light bulb into my lamp, I'll never be the same. I've shut everyone out. But who do I have to shut out? No one except my father, who has done the same as I have done. We sit in his living room starring at the tv. Rocking back and forth, our minds taking control of us. However, we don't do anything about it. Barely anything rolls off our tongues. The only thing sending sound through our ears is the sound of the tv. Even sometimes, I just want to shut the tv off.

"Why are we here if we have nothing to live for?" I asked him. He looked at me but I starred at my plate covered in food. My fork in my hand, but of no use.

"It's what you make out of it."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I clenched my jaw, closing my eyes for a split second.

"I mean, you only have nothing to live for if that's why you make if it. Think about it son." He paused.

"You have a child on the way and a beautiful fiancé. Now, it's your chance to make the best of it." Maybe he didn't get the part where I said she left me. I stood up, hurt as memories of Selena and I flushed my mind.

"I'm not hungry." I walked out of the room. I walked back seconds later. I stood in the hallway and looked my dad in the eyes.

"We aren't engaged. She hates me and all for good reasons. I can't take back what I did and I don't wish to." I lied. My voice a little harsher than I indented it to be. I do wish I could take back everything I did, but I can't. That's something I'll have to live with. I stormed off into my room, slamming the door behind me. I locked the door and flopped on my bed.

Love ruined me. I'm broken and lost. My mom isn't held fully responsible. Sure, she has some doing but not as much as Selena does. It was my fault to begin with, I'll admit that, but she didn't have to let me go. She didn't have to let go. She ran to George. She fell in love, I could see it in her eyes. Fear no longer laid in her eyes. She's happy, I reminded myself.

She left you..remember? The voice inside my head reminded me.

Before drifting off, I dialed her number. Of course, she didn't answer. I left her a voicemail.

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