Why Fall For Him

chapter 26

Chapter 26

*Selena's pov*

Justin hasn't showed much improvement over the past three weeks. Infact, if he doesn't show some sign of life within the next week, they are going to pull his oxygen. He's on life support. When he first arrived, they put him on oxygen. I've been told he may not make it, and he wont make it if they pull his oxygen. As of now, he can support himself. He's in a fetal position right now. We are all hoping for the best. Although his chances of surriving is very low. I'm not sure how much more of this i can take. Tessa and i have been by daddy's side since he arrived. We've made it our home for now. I have all the essentials baby Tessa and i need, diapers, cosmetics for myself and every day needs. I step elsewhere if someone is in the room while I'm breast feeding. Tessa's feedings are every three to four hours. She's doing well. She's growing every day. And every day it seems like, she looks more and more like her daddy. Her smile is identical to his. If Justin lives through this she will defiantly be a daddy's girl.

May i add, if it wasn't for this very reason, my daughter, I'm not sure how i would or even could pull through this. She keeps me stong. I look into her eyes and realize God brought her into my life for a reason. Whether it's for this very reason, i don't know. She's a blessing, and I thank Him every day for bringing such joy in my life. This is the hardest thing I'ver been through but through His good grace and love, and for my very own gift from God, I've somehow managed to stay strong, though its difficult. I look into Tessa's eyes and i realize the mommy role i play. Giving up isn't an option, not now, not ever.

What I've learned through this is this;

you are not gaurented tommorow, not even another breath.

you are not gaurented another laugh or smile.

you are not gaurented anything in this lifetime....

So cherish every moment you are given.

I've realized there are people who can change in this world and not everyone is a villian. Human beings are interesting in that way, I think. I find it funny how someone would change for anothet human being, for one more kiss, for just one more I love you, for just more look into thier eyes.

I also find it funny how out of all people, he chose me. He could have chosen someone like him rather than go the extra mile and change who he was for who i wanted him to be, just to be with me.

And i disowned him. I threw our love out the door, rather than pick up where we left off, or even patch up the faults in our relationship. And for that, in a sense, i hate myslef for being so ignorant and self centered. I just hate this had to happen to realize this.

I do love him. I know he loves me too. If he makes it, I swear I will never let him go. However, there is one problem...Over these past few months I have fallen in love with my best friend. I love his smile, his kisses, his hugs, the way he nibbles on the inside of his cheeks. I have fallen in love with the way he wakes up in the morning with messy hair, I have fallen in love with the way his hands are twice the size of mine. I have fallen in love with every detail, every flaw and every imperfection. But i realize i love so much more about Justin. Just the way he falls asleep at night with his arm around me, then wakes up and his arm is still tightly wraped around my waist. Long ago i fell in love with his smile, his smell, i fell in love with the way he's not really much of a morning person. He needs his coffee every morning, and a big breakfast before he leaves for work. He loves long coversations in the dark of night and deep, meaningful kisses. He loves to dress up and slick his hair back on special occasions. I believe he wants three kids. He loves picnics in the park. There is so much more to love. I love everyhing about him. He has a past he barely talks about. He once had a dark side, but has since then changed for the better. He is truly my version of Romeo. I realize now, I will never love anyone as much as I love Justin. As he said, I was his beginning and I'm supposed to be his ending. He was my begining and no matter what, he will always be my ending. Our love is like no other.

As he spoke at dinner several weeks ago, I saw in his eyes how much he really did believe in us. Perhaps I do too.
I know we could be something more than the books, more than the movies. We could be something, something we've never been before. I have to believe that.

I am startled by a sudden alarm going off, but am aware of the reason for the noise. Justin's heart rate slows along with his oxygen level even though he is on oxygen. I panic but call a nurse. I hold his hand in mine, hoping somehow he would feel my touch and awake. I don't pay attention to the many nurses that surround his hospital bed. I hear nothing but my sobs. I scream into his chest. His scent smells familiar. Safe. A mystery. I cry more than I want to. I just can't bare the thought of loosing him forever. I was warned, I was told he had a slim chance of surviving. But I was stupid enough for believing somehow he would live.

He's gone.

Just when it seems impossible, I feel a heart beat. I feel his chest move up, slowly, then move back down again. His movement alarms me and I look up at him. His eyes open. He shows all signs of life. Our eyes meet. I'm on my feet. Begging him to stay. He looks at me funny but smiles.
"I'm not going anywhere." He pauses. "I'm staying right here, okay?" I nod as he speaks. Tears fall from my eyes. I cry tears of joy. I hate for him to see me this way but it's nothing he hasn't seen before. He sits up as best he can. I burry my face into his shoulder. My arms wrap around him. I grasp a hand-full of his hospital gown and breath in his sweet scent.
"Kiss me." He says. His large hands cup my face, his fingers cross my entire face. My lips meet his. We connect. Our lips move in a passionate movement. I feel alive when we kiss. We still want each other. "I love you." He mutters softly as we kiss. I love you too, I want to tell him. He must know I love him. His lips part, there is an uncomfortable space between our lips. I want to kiss him, again. He plants a soft kiss on my forehead. His touch is gentle.

"Now, don't tell me your not in love with me." My gut instinct is to lie.

"No," I shake my head. "I would hate to lie to you." I fake a smile. His smile fades but returns after a few seconds. "We're going to have to change that."

"Yeah, I guess so."

These past few weeks have been a living hell. I am beyond happy to be able to hold him in my arms while he does the same. I have missed him so much. I study the movement in his chest, carefully to reassure myself he's okay.

He's alive. My thoughts bring me to tears. He wipes them away with his thumb, gently.

He asks to see Tessa and of course I allow him to. He tells her how much he loves her and spoils her with kisses. I fall in love all over again. She giggles when he tickles her and smile while listening to daddy's voice. Her sweet smile reflecting off his. Her laughs fills the room.

I love them so much.

I don't believe we can live without each other. Not even if we tried and God only knows I've tried to separate myself from him, but I find it's like trying to breath with no air. He's got me tied down and mesmerized by his love.