The Incredible League of Goth Pizza Haters (RH)

Part 89

---Sylvia---
I'm learning to live in the mindset that in the end, everything will be resolved. And if it isn't resolved, then it is not the end. 

Ricky is one of the people helping me learn that. And in the years that passed, there were countless arguments, along with countless apologies and more than that, an infinite array of moments where I fell deeper in love with him. Months turned to years and years to a decade and so on. And though I'm aware one day I'll lose him or he'll lose me I am so happy I've had this time.

I'm so happy I've had this time with everyone. We often find ourselves looking back to see only the bad times. I know I've seen many but living contains countless moments of every emotion we know. Those bad experiences still haunt me but I've learned to take meaning from that pain. And try not to drown in it.

There are a number of incredibly wonderful things in life and moments you will hold close and tight until the end of your days. Countless moments where you find yourself. In books and in others. And in that, you find pieces of them suddenly scattered into your world.

You will lose people. Often not even to death but life. Time. As it passes you will find that knowing eyes will turn to friendly glances and smiles sent to acquaintances, not friends. You will lose people. You may lose everything.

I've found sadness so deep it reached the core of my being. A deep pain with a tang of apathy that consumed me. And I watched myself become nothing but sadness. A walking embodiment of misery. I thought to myself time and time again, I'm wasting my life. I am wasting away.

I wish I'd found deeper meaning in that struggle other than that it is nearly unbearable to suffer through alone. But I did find that if you are unable to see beyond these terrible things, and have no wish to see, then you will not. You will remain blind..

Sadness is an affliction and more than that it is a state of mind. A state of being. I think eventually everyone has stepped into that personality, and like I said, for many years it was nearly all I was. I waited endlessly for a change I couldn't see myself able to bring.

You are more than your struggles. More than the things hurting you. Don't let yourself be consumed by what brings you pain.

I've also found that sadness breeds inspiration and an odd sort of creativity often found only in the lost hours of the night.

And as for all the time I spent stuck on our place in this world and universe, I still do not know. I don't know exactly why we're here. I don't think we'll ever really know. Maybe the afterlife will shed light on a few things but for the moment, we know very little. And that's okay. Maybe it's for our own good.

What I do know is that life in its entirety is an insane clusterfuck of events, moments, both good and bad spread out over the span of your life. It is inconsistent, as nothing will remain forever. You have to enjoy things while you have them because inevitably, everything will slip through your fingers and the next chapter will begin.

Nothing will ever be completely balanced or imbalanced. Maybe it's the universe or simply the undetermined way of things but bad things happen in the best of times and good things in the worst. I met some of the best people at some of my lowest points.

I can tell you that it's important to hold on to those people during those dark times, enduring alone is tortuous and often unnecessary.

And I've realized that though happiness is something to strive for it is not the only thing worth seeking. You should look for everything. Take in everything as you experience it. We don't know how we'll die or when exactly but we have a limited time in this universe we don't understand and we are microscopic in the face of everything.

And try to take comfort from that fact. However daunting, it is also wonderful because despite being one in over seven billion you are the only one to experience things from your eyes. You are the only one who has these insignificant thoughts and experiences and you should marvel at that. Take this little life you've been given and mold it to be how you want it. Love the people you want to love and appreciate that in the face of the majority you are the one, or one of the ones, who gets to love them.

In the years that followed, and of the friends who fell away, Mena remained close. I watched her grow older, fall in love with someone deserving of her and I watched them build a life together. She had kids and I've watched her become the loving mother, and eventually the amazing pediatric doctor I knew she would be.

Willow, a friend I hadn't really even seen myself becoming close to again, came back into my life. We grew close again and started several projects over the years.

My amateur filmmaking career grew with me and Willow and I found ourselves working on projects much bigger than we ever thought they would be, surrounded by people we never thought we'd have the pleasure to meet.

Ricky grew as well. Motionless grew. Members came and left but the band remained themselves. They never lost the passion for their craft and I always deeply appreciated that. Ricky matured over the years but kept what made him him. And I love him for that.

Time passed for Wally as well and years left him fat and old sitting on a chair he favored by the window in the same house Ricky and I eventually stopped renting and instead bought. Balz had left and started a life with Ryan Ashley, who he had intended to marry.

Living kept us on the ever-eventful roller coaster of good times and bad times and amazing times and terrible times but we remained, the inevitable end always in mind but never in sight. I think it's easier to live that way. Turn a blind eye towards the end and continue, stepping daringly into a daunting future. And whether you want to or not, time waits for no one. So fall.

Fall blindly into whatever the future holds. Life, death, tragedy, love, insanity. We must all get everything we can out of life because like all things, it will end.