First Day of My Life

Shades and Shadows

He opened his burning eyes unsure of when he'd closed them. Rolling to his side with a groan, he let his cheek rest against the damp pillowcase. He had to get up, go to work, function like his heart wasn't decimated. He couldn't get the look on Ian's face out of his head, the pain in his eyes, the quivering of his lip. Knowing it was futile action he reached for his phone, unsurprised when he didn't see a notification on the screen. He considered texting him, but was unsure of what he would say, afraid he'd said enough. He wanted to tell him that he was still hurting, that he loved him, that he was really fucking scared, but he couldn't bring himself to type the words, so instead he climbed out of bed and stretched his sore body. Though his shoulder had been improving, it was achy as hell after being fucked into the wall. Amid the flood of emotions that had crashed down on him, he hadn't allowed himself to think of the sex they never should've fucking had. Shit, it was good, but that had never been their problem after all; fucking way easy, it was everything else that was difficult. Still, the delicious dull ache in his ass started a reel of debauched memories from the night before that caused his dick to fill, while he cursed it for being so goddamn merciless. He adjusted himself and headed out to the kitchen.

Zev was leaning on the counter, eating a bagel, watching Mickey as he moved past him in silence to open the refrigerator, pull out the orange juice and chug from the carton, "You had fun last night," He commented with a grin, the banging against the shared wall with Mandy a dead giveaway of what had occurred. Mickey paused for a moment as if he was debating whether he should respond or not, but instead of opening his mouth, he opted to close the juice and put it away, allowing the cool air of the refrigerator to give his baby blues some relief. "No snarky response? No 'fuck you' finger?" Zev questioned, standing up straight, growing more serious, "Mickey?" The shorter man looked up at him, his eyes as red as the blood that was running cold through his veins, "Mickey," he whispered, his voice now tender, sad. He knew those eyes, recognized the despondency on his face, "It was Ian you were with," he stated taking a deep breath and resting a hand on Mickey's shoulder only to have it shrugged off immediately, "What did he do?" his tone grew angrier, more demanding, "What did he do, Mick?"

Mickey shook his head, worried if he opened his mouth he would lose the tears that he was desperately holding back, "He didn't do shit," he managed, rubbing his forehead with his palm, "not this time."

Zev nodded and let out a sigh as he reclined again, "You hate that you love him so much and hate that you cannot hate him even after all he has done," he stated, taking a bite of his bagel before continuing with his mouth half-full "hate that you are scared that he will never love you enough and terrified that you cannot love him enough for the both of you. Sound right?"

"Sounds about right," Mickey confirmed rubbing his knuckle against his nose and looking down at the cracked tile floor, "So what do I do then, almighty sage of Israel?"
"Hate rots you from the inside, but love... love sets you free," Zev said simply, "I cannot tell you what to do, just consider which will give you life- your hate or your love." He shook his head, "Cannot stand this man, I cannot, but you cannot stand to live without him and THAT fills me with hate."

"What if he does it again? Fucks me up again?" Mickey asked his voice barely audible.

Zev moved closer to him so that he could look down at his face, jaw clenched, "Then you fucking survive, just like you always have." Tears welled in his eyes as he watched Mickey fight his, "and you have me." Mickey sniffed as Zev attempted to wrap him up fully in his arms.

"Fuck, I'm not drunk enough for that," He said shoving the bigger man away with a wet laugh.

"You are drunk at all? It is 7:00am."
Mickey rolled his eyes, "You know what I fucking mean."