The Girl in Blue

38- The Girl Makes Up

Sutton

My last shift at the library for the semester is on Tuesday since I don't have any exams that day and I can spare a few hours to get some work done there. After today though, I have two exams and then Lana's film showing party and then I'm gone for the break. I was hoping to spend my winter break with Jonah's family but since we're still not on the best of terms, I'm not sure if that's still on or not. I'm going to go with 'not'.

I'm shelving the books on the floor that I always work but it's not as exciting without having Jonah there to peek over at every once in a while. I glance over at the small table that he'd always sit at and there's two girls sitting there now on their laptops. He doesn't go to the library often anymore which makes me believe that he only was here so often to see me.

He has admitted to doing things because he was into me, like pretending to have a history project and pretending that he was going to lunch when he was actually going to class, just so that he could go to lunch with me. I remember how nervous I was back then about talking to him because he made me so nervous.

As I'm shelving the history section, I've gotten about half of the section done when I look up and see Jonah standing at the end of the row that I'm working on. I swallow an immediate lump in my throat and I hope that he's not here to argue some more. This is my job and this is also the quiet floor which means that if he came all the way over here just to have it out again, he's going to have to wait.

"I'm busy," I mutter to him as I continue to shelf the discarded books from around the floor.

"I know," He assures me. "Just give me a second, take a break."

Since my shift is only four hours long, I'm not given any breaks but I guess I'll just work quickly so that I stay on time because he looks like he has something important to say. I shelf the books that are already in my hands and then I look at him. "Okay. What's up?"

"I love you," He informs me. "And I'm sorry that I've been freaking out lately about this whole ex-boyfriend thing but I'm only so upset because I'm terrified of losing you. I don't know what you had with that other guy, I don't know how much you loved him or if I'm enough to keep you around and so I'm terrified."

I just keep looking at him, wondering if that's the end of his speech because he looks very worked up, like he has a lot that he needs to say.

"And I know that maybe I get a little paranoid but like I said, it's just because I love you so goddam much. I feel like I can't even breathe when you're not around and just thinking about you, I fucking lose my mind. I want to spend Christmas with you, I want to show you off to my entire family and I want everybody in the world to know how much I love you."

"The paranoia is understandable," I assure him. "But it's not necessary. I love you too, more than I've ever loved anybody. Including Devon. I would never leave you for him, or anybody else for that matter. The only way that you're going to get rid of me is if you leave me or one of us dies."

"Morbid, but okay," He says jokingly. "I know that you're working right now but can we go somewhere after your shift is over? I feel like I've been going insane without you around and I just want us to be okay again."

"I need to finish shelving these books," I tell him. The history section is the last section and I'm halfway done with it so if I hurry, I can get it done pretty quickly. "Meet me on the eighth floor?"

"What's on the eighth floor?" He asks me curiously.

I walk around the cart and lean up to press my lips to his but very briefly. Since we haven't kissed in a week now, it's hard to pull away but I know that the next time that we kiss, we definitely will not be stopping for a very long time. "The archival collections. Nobody ever goes up there."