The Girl in Blue

41- The Girl is Speechless

Lana

It has been exactly ten days since my kiss with Levi and we haven't spoken since. I don't know what to say to him. I don't think that he knows what to say to me either. I wish that there was something that could be said but whenever I think about Levi, I think about that goddam kiss and how incredible it was but I'm not sure how he felt about it. It definitely wasn't worth losing what he has with Addison.

I just don't see how we can be friends after that. Every time that I see him, it's going to be awkward. That's a big reason why I didn't want to make a big deal out of how I feel about him-- I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all. But now, I'm sure that I've lost him altogether.

Now that I'm back on campus after spending the week with my parents and little brother, I've gotten a lot of advice from my parents about what I should do about the situation. My mom thinks that I should call Levi and talk to him so that we don't lose our relationship. Instead, I put on my heavy coat to fight the freezing temperature outside and I head to Tristan's apartment.

I don't know if he's back yet or not but what I have with him is easy and that's what I need right now. Easy. Nothing about my friendship with Levi is easy, it's all so much work and dealing with feelings.

At Tristan's apartment, I knock on the door and hope for a response. I could have texted him but I wanted to surprise him since we haven't really spoken since the film party either. I've been busy spending time with family and I assume that he has been too.

The door opens, which makes me smile, and Tristan is standing on the other side of the door. "Hey, Lana," He greets me but he doesn't look very happy to see me. "What's up?"

"I just got back," I explain to him. "I'm sorry that I didn't call first but I was hoping that we could hang out? Sutton isn't coming back for a few more days and I want to hear about your break."

"You want to hear about my break?" He wonders with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah," I say slowly, sensing his bad mood and I'm confused. The last time that we saw each other was the film party and he didn't seem upset with me or anything. I don't know what could have changed since then. "Is everything okay?"

"No, honestly, not really," He admits, leaning against the doorway with his strong arms crossed over his chest. "You don't want to hear about my break, you want to fuck me. I thought that I was fine with that but I changed my mind. You're into Levi and that's fine but I'm into you. So I think that this would be easier if we quit pretending like this entire thing isn't fucked up. It is, and we can't keep going like this."

"Okay," Is all that I know what to say right now and I know that it's the wrong thing. I should say more but I have no idea what that 'more' is. "I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry."

"I know," He sighs, closing his eyes and then slowly opening them to look at me again. "Me too. I'm not mad at you, this isn't anybody's fault, I'm just frustrated is all. I think that you should go."

"But can we talk about this?" I ask him desperately as he steps back into his apartment and starts shutting the door. "I really think that-"

He doesn't stop shutting the door until it's shut in my face, effectively ending our short conversation. I take a deep breath and just leave because there's really nothing else that I can do. I want to tell Tristan that I'm sorry but I already told him that. What else is there to say? He likes me but I like another guy who has a girlfriend, I'm not sure what there is but maybe if we found something to say or to talk about, he would feel better. That's probably not true but I walk away knowing that Tristan will be okay. All we ever did was have sex really so maybe he's like me—thinking he's in love but isn't really.