The Girl in Blue

31- The Girl is Crying

Lana

I can't sleep at night. I'm tossing and turning for a solid two hours before I eventually give up on sleep and go downstairs to make some hot chocolate. I can't stop thinking about Levi, what it would be like if I were to bring him home to meet my parents like Sutton had brought Jonah. They looked so happy today and I love that my sister is happy but I just wonder what it would be like if I was that happy. With Levi.

I make my hot chocolate and then sit down on the kitchen counter just to try to calm my mind. I need to get over this. Levi and I are partners—maybe friends but things have been weird lately—and I can't think about him like this. Maybe I will find a guy that makes me happy, a guy that I want to introduce to my parents, but that time is not now and that guy is not Levi.

"I thought that I heard somebody down here," My mom says as she comes down the stairs wearing her cotton pajamas and her dark hair up in a messy bun to keep it out of her face. Sutton and I look exactly like her—the hair, eyes, nose, and chin. Harrison is more like our father.

"Just getting something to drink," I tell her. "What are you still doing up?"

"I was reading," She explains, joining me on the kitchen counter so I scoot over a little bit to give her room. "Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad," I deny quickly and then I take a drink of my hot chocolate.

"Lana," My mother says my name and then runs her fingers through my hair in a soothing way. "I know that you're hurting. I'm your mother, I can tell these sorts of things. Is it about that boy?"

"I know that if I tell you anything, you'll just be disappointed," I mutter to her. The only light in the kitchen is coming from the street lights outside, illuming the kitchen just enough for us to see each other.

"I've never been disappointed in you in your entire life," She informs me. "And I highly doubt that whatever is going on in your life right now will disappoint me. Come on, I'm fairly supportive, you know that."

"You've never been disappointed in me?" I ask her with raised eyebrows. "I'm getting an art degree and I've never had a serious boyfriend and-"

"Lana," My mom interrupts me quickly before I can finish my list of reasons of Why I Suck. Right now, I feel like the list goes on forever. "No. The film degree, it worries me. But above all else, I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to go for what you really want to do. Despite the job market and your father and I reminding you how challenging it will be, you've still gone for it. I was not critical of you studying film because I disapprove, I just wanted you to know the risks. Which you did, and you still went for it, and I'm so proud of you for that. Do you really think that getting an English degree was the most practical thing either? But I did it, I got my stupid doctorate in it because that's what I wanted."

I look down at my hot chocolate but I don't say anything in response because I don't know what to say.

"If it makes you feel any better, it's not like we think that Sutton is perfect either," She adds.

"What do you mean? Of course she's perfect," I mutter.

"Okay, well right now, she's in the shed having sex with her boyfriend as if she actually thinks she's pulling one over on us."

"What?" I wonder with a small laugh.

"I saw them go out there. Unless she's showing him our high-end lawn mower, it's pretty obvious what they're doing," she explains to me.

"You can't use that as an example though," I mention. "I've probably had sex in that shed way more times than she has."

"Alright, note to self—get a lock on the shed. Especially before Harry starts dating."