Torn (Ethan Dolan)

~Chapter 3~

***

"I can't do this anymore..." I state.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"This,  sleeping with you....  I can't do this to Ethan!" I shout starting to get angry. "I mean it's not like you ever even really cared. If I just stopped responding to your booty calls  you'd just have another girl in your bed instantly..."

"Ok,  ok... I'm sorry..." he states, seeming apologetic.

"I mean I thought we both knew what we signed up for?" he groaned. "I didn't mean to play with your emotions... Honestly."

Grayson seems like he actually feels bad. It seems like his his sweet,  sympathetic self. The one you see on the internet. I feel bad actually.

"I'm sorry Gray...  I'm just-it's just that this is hurting me...  We can't use each other... You deserve to be cared for. Why won't you let someone care for you?" I ask him.

"Because... I don't know...  That's just not who I am..." he sighs.

"But Gray...  Someday you're gonna hurt yourself. Maybe not now, but someday...  You deserve to be cared for... I didn't mean to be rude....  I just am hurting..." I tell him.

"Thank you Jules." Gray states using the nickname Ethan gave me making me feel good. He's never called me that. We've always just been fuck buddies and Ethan and I were the ones that were emotionally close.

Sometimes I read the tweets Grayson puts out at 1 am. And I can tell he is in a dark spot. He's in his mind over thinking things.  He's hurting. Sometimes I wanna go over with a carton of chocolate ice cream and comfort him but then I remember what we are to each other.

***

Maybe she's right. I act carefree all the time. I act like I don't give a shit when I really do. It's just so much pressure. I have to upload a video every week to impress millions of people, Ethan and I are planning our second world tour. I'm only 19 and my dad has cancer. Sometimes I just wanna sit back and relax,  have no worries. No pressure. No stress. Just ly in my bed all day watching scary movies while I pig out.

That's why I sleep around. It makes me feel something,  even if it's just the smallest amount of pleasure. Ethan has always been better with stress and pressure. He is honestly the best brother,  he always knows when I feel down and how to help me. But right now he can't,  there's nothing he can do.

It's really taken this long for me to realize what I'm doing. I can't keep doing this. Not only am I hurting the girls I sleep around with but I'm hurting myself. I'm craving something more and she opened my eyes to that.

I'm craving to be emotionally close with someone. To connect with someone. She's the only one that pops into my mind. The only one that seems to genuinely care about me and how I feel. Not just someone that cares how big my dick is rather than what I have to offer. My thoughts, my feelings. So far she's the only one that has recognized them for what they are and not just recognized me as a walking dildo. Just thinking about the way she treats me like an actual human makes my skin feel warn and tingly. I don't care how cliché or ridiculous it sounds, it's just how I feel.

Julie is the only girl that I haven't dropped after having sex one time. I go back to her every time. She's the most sincere. I can see her heart break a little more every time I leave after sex. But I've always acted like I didn't care,  maybe my mind was just cloudy and I didn't realize how much it hurts. Seeing her hurt,  hurts me. And I just realized this.

She's always been what I needed. She changed me. But I always made her feel like I didn't care for her. But I do. I really,  really do.

She has been what I needed the whole time. But now I lost her. She's going on a date with Ethan and slipping right out of my grasp. I'm an idiot!

Ethan. He's perfect for her. He's such a kind,  loving person. He's gonna give her everything she wants. Everything she needs. Everything she deserves. I want to be the one that gives her everything. But I lost my chance,  even though she has been standing in front of me on her knees begging for my stupid ass to just wake up.

***

I pace my bedroom like an absolute idiot trying to decide on an outfit. What to say, what to do...

I breath in and I breath out.

"Grayson!" I shout and he doesn't answer. "Gray!  Fucking! Son!"

"What bro?!" he shouts as he walks down the hall.

"I need help!" I shout and he walks inti my room with an annoyed expression.

"With what?" he groans.

"An outfit for my date..." I plead.

"Just wear what you usually wear..." he groans beginning to leave my room but I pull him back by his arm.

"But I want it to be special!" I shout.

"Look up tumblr date outfits for men..." Grayson leaves my room.

I scoff at him but quickly pull out my phone.

***

I sort through all my outfits anxiously. I don't think I've ever really been on a formal date unless you can call going down a slide together a 'formal date'.

I throw all sorts of clothes into my room groaning.

I collapse onto the floor and groan as I wipe the sweat from my forehead.

I give up searching for now andnflip the TV on turning on Rachel Ray. I get bored so I rush into my kitchen trying to whip something up like Rachel Ray. Obviously it's not as amazing as hers but it's still delicious as hell and I don't even know what it is. I sit in my bed wearing my old Walking Dead sweater and sweatpants from Pink with my hair in a messy bun and no makeup. I hold my mystery meal in my lap as I watch Rachel Ray.

My phone chimes and I pick it up.

E-tee-wee-tee: whatcha doin cutie?

Me: pickin an outfit for our date...

E-tee-wee-tee: me too!

Me: I gave up and now I'm eating and watching Rachel Ray...

E-tee-wee-tee: really?!

Me: yes... Don't judge me...

E-tee-wee-tee: no judgment, I gave up and now I'm watching Diners Drive Ins and Dives and eating freezer burnt pineapple pizza...

Me: I'm happy we're going on a date :)

E-tee-wee-tee: me too;)

Me: maybe we should both just use tumblr for our outfit ideas...

E-tee-wee-tee: yea, that's wht Gray told me to do...

His name sent shivers up my spine.

Me: tumblr it is...  See u tmr....

E-tee-wee-tee: u too gorgeous <3

I instantly began to blush and then looked up tumblr date outfits. Thousands of options were pulled up but one caught my eye.

***