The Hidden Path (WINNER OF THE BEAUTY AWARD for Spiritual)

Tried. . . And Failed

At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

- Lao Tzu

To my great joy and surprise, I actually did manage to pass the examination, although only just. I don't think I had ever been so badly rested for such an important day ever before.

And to top it all off, I had promised Andi to break up with Beni! My mind was still reeling from the fact that I had made a promise that I honestly did not want to keep. After everything that had happened, I really should not have been in this situation. Had I not made it abundantly clear that I had no intention of separating from my boyfriend?

But a promise is a promise and I did consider myself bound by it. No matter my feelings.

Therefore, when Beni came home the last week before my end-of-term break, I had to find a way to end our relationship.

But how?

I still had no answer to this question, when I picked him up from the train station using my parents' car. Beni no longer had his, as he did not really need it in Graz. Besides, it would have been a financial burden.

But – Beni being Beni – he still insisted that he should be the one driving us home. Not that I really minded – I actually did not enjoy driving that much – but it gave me the perfect excuse to start a fight!

"I think we are not really suited for each other," I therefore declared, having purposefully sulked for a few minutes. We were already in the car and heading towards my parents' place, after Beni had wrestled with me and successfully grabbed the keys from my hand. He had then proceeded to swiftly slide behind the steering wheel, before I had even had the chance to protest.

"Hm? What do you mean?" Beni threw me a quick sideways glance, but otherwise did not appear too concerned.

"We fight all the time, we don't see eye to eye. You always completely disregard what I want. . . For instance just now: you simply took the keys without even asking me. I think it just isn't working out. . ." I almost had to force these words out, because I actually did not really mean what I was saying. Sure, I had been rather furious with him in the past often enough – he was, after all, very gifted in pushing my buttons - but to be honest, I was also quite content with Beni as my boyfriend. In spite of our differences and constant squabbles. Being with him felt so. . . comfortable. . . and. . . natural.

Accordingly, I was having a hard time mustering any emotions to back up my claim. No – scratch that – I freely admit that I was failing miserably in doing so! A fact that – judging by his response – did not go unnoticed by the boy next to me: "What are you saying. . . that we should break up?" He questioned me matter-of-factly.

Yes, I had done it! I had found a plausible reason and I had managed to steer the conversation in the right direction! I silently congratulated myself for a moment.

"No, not really." But. . . I could not go through with it.

No way!

Every fiber of my being simply refused. It appeared that keeping my promise to Andi was just not incentive enough for me to take a step of this magnitude. Especially not, since I had basically been emotionally blackmailed into making the promise. Or brainwashed. And a promise made under duress did not really have to be kept. . . right. . .?

"What are your thoughts on this?" I gave the whole splitting-up thing one last try. Maybe, if Beni was tired of me...? Although I honestly was not entirely fond of the idea.

"No, I also don't think that this would be a good idea."

"Okay. . ."

Well, I had tried.

"Let's simply leave everything the way it is." Beni shrugged.