my computer is slowing falling apart- and for some reason i'm okay with it. also listen to that song^^ i'm listening to it as i write and i relate 2 it honestly.
Date(s) written: 4.8.17
"Ty, we need to talk." Josh said sitting down next to Tyler who was hidden underneath a heavy gray blanket on their small couch.
"Oh god." Tyler's face immediately went to panic mode. Were they breaking up?
"Just about yesterday, love. No worries." Josh said joining Tyler under the giant blanket. Tyler's face went to pleading. He still didn't want to tell Josh about the voices.
"Do we have to?" Tyler said, resting his head on Josh's shoulder.
"Yes. Communication is key if we want this to work out, Tyler." Josh rarely said Tyler's full name and it caught Tyler off guard. Was Josh mad at Tyler right now?
Tyler got silent. He didn't want to tell Josh about the voices. More importantly- the dominating one voice that absolutely never left. Every single thought Tyler had there was at least one other back up voice contradicting it in a negative way. He could think that he likes his outfit- but then the voice would say that is makes him look fat. He was. The voice convinced him of this the first time it arrived. It made Tyler realize a lot of things about himself and life that weren't very happy things. He didn't immediately begin the voice. But when something keeps seeping through the walls you have tried to build in your mind, you can't do much other than release, and drown in it.
Tyler never dared to tell his parents about this. They would send him away. They already will send him away when they find out he has a boyfriend- even better that he has kissed a boy several times.
Tyler had consumed himself in these thoughts until Josh waved his hand in front of Tyler's blank eyes. Tyler shook his head and began to cry. He rested his face in his hands, and began to sob. He couldn't hold back anymore. The thoughts were already too strong, and it was even worse when the voice had to commentate on every move Tyler makes. He felt weak, and unable to even move. The only thing that Tyler seemed to be able to do was just cry. Just crying into Josh's arms. Josh didn't know what was happening.
Where had Tyler's mind gone? Josh thought to himself while trying to comfort Tyler in every way possible.
Although Tyler was sobbing in front of Josh, he still wanted to find out why all of these sudden emotions always came onto Tyler. Just yesterday Tyler was sobbing in the bookstore parking lot, and now Tyler sobbed into Josh's arms when just moments before he was smiling and jumpy.
"What is making you feel so afraid?" Josh asked while gently scratching Tyler's back.
"You're going to think I'm crazy." Tyler sobbed into his hands that were now completely soaked in his tears and saliva.
"I will never ever think you are crazy. We are in this together," Josh took Tyler's hand, "I will not leave. I care for you so much."
And that was just what Tyler needed to hear. It made him feel more confident immediately. He suddenly had a burst of confidence and trust for Josh.
"Okay..." Tyler went on explaining everything. When the voices started. What they do. How they do it. When they do it now. And Josh listened. Josh did everything Tyler wanted him to. He nodded at the right times. Kissed Tyler's forehead when Tyler was beginning to crumble talking about this. And when Tyler finally finished- Josh confessed it.
"Tyler, I'm in love with you." Josh had never realized it until he saw. He saw Tyler. The real Tyler, the raw Tyler. And he loved him.
Tyler finally looked at Josh's face. His cheeks were tinted red from crying, and his eyes were red along with them. But Tyler was just as beautiful to Josh. Tyler grabbed Josh's face in his hands, and kissed him. It wasn't like the others. The others were amazing in their own way. But this kiss had the confessed love behind it. They were both holding back before, because they were scared of love, but they didn't know what to be afraid of it anymore.
Josh still hadn't mentioned much about his past, and he didn't need to yet. He wanted to fall deeper into love, which didn't seem very possible anymore. But love is a bottomless pit that both boys were falling down into.
They kissed for what felt like centuries and milliseconds all into one. And they wanted more, but they needed to see each other for now. Not feel. Love works in mysterious ways. It's a dance where some step on the other person's toes while other dance smoothly in unison and perfect harmony. And somehow they were doing both. Stepping on each other's toes, yet perfectly dancing. That's how it should be. Mistakes make lessons that the two can learn from together, planting seeds and growing. Without mistakes, there would be no foundation.
So now they sat there together- staring into the worlds that both of their eyes held. Too cloaked in each other's presence to notice the background The Office still playing. They had been watching it all day and it was now 4:33 P.M..
They didn't move. Both noticed every single small feature on each other's face. They fell in love with every freckle, every blemish, and every small curve.
Infatuated.
"I'm in love with you, Joshua." Tyler finally broke the silence. The silence was not only external, but internal. The voice didn't speak. It hadn't been quiet for years. And now it was gone. The loss of it made Tyler feel strange. He was used to listening to the voice spew the hatred towards Tyler and the things he loved. And now that it was gone, he was ecstatic. Tyler was able to sit in the moment, and take in every millisecond in it.
Josh slowly blinked his eyes, as if he was about to fall asleep now. Tyler laughed at him for being tired when it wasn't even close to the time they usually went to sleep.
Josh snuggled into Tyler lap, and started to evenly breath. Tyler watched him sleep- which sounds creepy, but he was just happy. There was no other way to describe the situation. Josh hadn't left in the time Tyler was certain he would leave him.
And the next day would hold school and work. Yet, they knew they would be there tomorrow, together. Fighting for each other. No matter the distance, it meant nothing but space. Love could not vanish from simple location.
A/N: okie i've done v bad with updating. this is probably a rlly bad update anyways because it was written on me fueled by three cups of coffee and tears. i got my ukulele though so god bless.
have a lovely day/night:)
