Date(s) written: 4.10.17
Josh couldn't miss anymore work, so he had to drive Tyler, bawling, to work with him. His heart ached as Tyler shook against Josh. Tyler hadn't made any attempt to talk yet, and Josh wasn't mad. Josh simply was extremely confused. he didn't know how the boy had ended up against Tyler kissing him, with Tyler looking like he was trying to resist. Had Tyler actually consented the kiss, though? Josh thought to himself as he took the turn into the bookstore parking.
Josh actually hated his Job so much, but then Tyler started coming in on a regular basis. Josh has changed a lot since then; he used to be shy and way too sarcastic, and now he was a little less shy and a kinder person. He mostly changed because of the car accident that happen with his parents. It completely altered his life in the worst way at first, but he adapted just like anyone else would've done.
They both sat in the car together. Just thinking about each other's presence.
Josh hates me. He hates me. You ruined it Tyler. You are a faggot. You are a slut. Tyler and his voices repeated in his head. He knew Josh wouldn't forgive him, he wouldn't forgive himself. The feeling of Vic pushing against him was still there, and it sent mini and forceful panic attacks every few minutes. It made Tyler shake even harder. He was most likely having a big panic attack with small pulses throughout. It had happened before.
"Ty, I love you. Do you love me? Really love me? That's all I need to know for now." Josh said taking Tyler's hand, but not looking at him. Josh had watched this happen in a relationship before. It was between his own parents. Their love was very confusing. They continually hurt each other, but went back to the feet of each other as soon as the feeling of loneliness arrived. This was all escalating before the car accident. They were actually arguing before they smashed into the semi that was directly in front of them. He hated people who weren't loyal. But this wasn't like Tyler.
"I love you so damn much, Joshua." Tyler said. It was smoother than he thought he would be. The shaking had stopped as soon as Josh said he loved Tyler. It relaxed his muscles, but not his mind. It continued to say Josh didn't mean it. He was making excuses.
Josh finally turned to look at Tyler, and rested his hand on Tyler's pink tinted cheeks. He was stunning even in this time, and Josh couldn't believe such an all around beautiful person could hurt so badly.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Joshua. I don't like the boy who was kissing me." Tyler pleaded. He needed to know Josh was okay.
"Tyler, you don't need to worry about me. And I trust you, I know it isn't like you." Josh knew people said these things- "I'm sorry if I made you sad." "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.", etc. because they were having anxiety. They weren't just saying it, they are calling for help. You're not doing something right if they say something like this.
Josh didn't want Tyler to try to talk anymore, because Tyler couldn't and shouldn't be ready to talk about what happened. So he just held him there in the car.
"How about we have a happy day, and have deep talks tonight after dinner?" Tyler said now hoppy. His mood was like a roller coaster.
"Sure, love." Josh had spaced the dinner, and needed to make a reservation soon.
conflicted.
A/N: YiKES this was so so so short. I wrote it to procrastinate. I'm going numb emotionally (again) tbh. but who cares anymore.
Have a lovely day/night:) (and i mean it)
