Getting on that plane to fly home has never been harder. I don't want to go. When we go we lose the open space, the isolation, the beauty, and we lose Blake's family. These people have come to mean so much to me. It's hard to walk away from their tear stained faces. However the thing I'm dreading the most is the ultrasound that's coming when we get home. This ultrasound will determine the path our life is going to take. No matter what we will be grateful for our son, but no one wants to see their kid sick. As we get on the plane and make sure everyone is buckled in and in the seat they want, I feel a single tear fall down my face. Blake stretches his arm out around me as he wipes the tear from my face. When I look up at him, he isn't smiling or showing me his dimples. I'm reminded yet again that I'm not alone in this. Blake is walking the path with me and that we need to support one another, because let's be honest we didn't have that in our last marriages. Suddenly it becomes apparent that I make sure he knows we are together in this no matter what. So I snuggle into his chest while I reach up a caress his cheek and stubble, at the same time I tell him I love him. He holds me tighter to his chest and says...
"I love you to Gwen. Always."
...............................................................................................................................................
I wake up about an hour later in the same position I fell asleep in. I look around and see that everyone else is asleep except Zuma. He looks like he is deep in thought and worried. He has always been my emotional and thoughtful kid out of the three boys.
"Zuma baby are you ok?" I ask softly as not to wake anyone sleeping
"I'm fine mom."
"Baby boy you know I can tell when ur lying to me right?"
He nods his head looking at his hands in his lap.
"Mom what's going on? I know I'm a kid but I can handle it, I know I can."
"What do you mean baby?" I say sitting up some but Blake moans and tightly pulls me back into him. I giggle under my breath that even when he is asleep he won't let go.
"Something going on. Before we left you talked to nonna and the other grown ups. You all cried. Here you talk to mawmaw and aunt Endy. Everyone was crying again. So I know something is wrong."
"Oh baby I didn't want you guys to know we were upset but I guess we did a bad job of hiding it huh. Well baby daddy and I found out that you baby brother is sick. We are all sad that he is sick. We didn't want you to worry until we knew how sick he is and what that's gonna mean."
"If he is sick can't the doctors make him better?"
"The are going to try baby, but it's gonna be really hard on him. He is gonna be pretty sick for a while."
"Is he..... is he gonna die?" He asks sheepishly with tears in his eyes.
I want to lie and tell him absolutely not that the doctor will save him, but we don't know that for sure. That's been the unsaid possibility since we found out. I haven't even come to terms with it. How can I possibly ask a 10 year old to except it? This only gets harder.
"Baby I'm gonna be real with you ok?" He nods his head in response
"We don't know. The doctors are going to do everything they can to help him and we are going to make sure he has the best doctors out there but...we don't know what's gonna happen to him."
Tears are streaming down his face now. I feel the tears begin to fall down my face as well. This is why I didn't want to tell the kids, it's a lot for them to cope with. I pull free of Blake's grasp and move in front of my middle son. I wrap him in my arms as he completely falls apart. Blake wakes up at me pulling away from he and I see him looking around only to find the scene unfolding with Zuma. He mouths to me "what's going on?" I mouth back "I had to tell him about the baby" he gets up and unhooks Zuma's seatbelt. I give him a questioning look as I back up giving him room to do whatever it is he is doing. He picks Zuma up sitting down in his seat placing him on his lap. Zuma buries his face in Blake's chest just as I have done many times. Blake rubs his hand up and down his little back.
"Buddy I know how sad you are but can we talk?" Blake pleads
I sit on the seat in front of them, my hands still on Zuma's knee. I need him to know I'm still right here. I see him loosen his grip on Blake and look up at him nodding.
"I know your sad cause mom and I are to but I need you to do something for me. I need you to remember that mom and dad will take care of the worrying. We don't want you thinking that's your job. But you do have a job to help us. Do you know what that is?"
"No" he says
"Your job is to love your little brother and tell him everyday. He needs to know we all love him. All the love he gets he turns into strength and he needs to be very strong when he is born. Can you do that job for me?"
"Yeah I can do that." He sniffs composing himself before he gets down from Blake's lap.
He walks over to me and places his hands on my belly. He bends down and places a kiss on it. He then stands up and gives me a kiss.
...............................................................................................................................................
After getting Zuma settled and he falls back to sleep, Blake and I settle back into our previous position. Arms around each other. My head on his chest.
"Thank you" I say
"What for?" He responds
"The way you handled him. You handled that better than I ever could."
"You don't have to thank me for being there for you or for taking care of our kids. It not something I do because I have to. I do it because I want to." I squeeze him tighter to me
"Blake..."
"Yeah baby?"
"Don't let go ok?"
"I wouldn't dream of it darlin."
...............................................................................................................................................
"Gwen where are you we are gonna be late?" I hear him yell but nothing comes from my mouth
I sit there speechless and internally fighting a battle I know I'll never win on my own.
"Gwen!....... Gwen?" His head pops around the corner of the door
I blink but nothing. Nothing is the only word I have to describe the place I am in. I'm thinking of nothing. Unable to move. Tears streaming downing my face. He races to me and kneels down in front of me.
"Baby are you ok? Is something wrong?"
"What if we go and it hasn't gotten smaller? What if they tell us he will have to have surgery the second he is born? What if we.....never get to bring him home?"
"Shhhh baby girl, we don't know any of that right now. If he does have to have surgery we will be at the hospital supporting each other, being there for each other and our son. We will find the best doctor who can fix him and that's who will take care of him." He pulls me into a hug.
"I know how hard this is. I'm wrecked on the inside to. The news of finally having a son to carry on my family name literally made me the happiest man ever. Now we don't even know if he is gonna make it. If something happens to him Gwen I'm gonna be a wreck!"
... after a few minutes collecting ourselves I finally feel I ready to face this. We both head down stairs hand in hand ready to learn the plan God has for our future.
