Finding the Phandom: A Dan and Phil AU

Chapter 2

Dan Howell was never known for being a stalker. He was never known to watch every video a fellow YouTuber uploaded, almost immediately. He was not known to reblog fanart of his favorite internet stars. He was not known for being a "fangirl." Thats because he was really good at hiding it.

Dan has always been a fan of YouTube. He has always spent endless hours on the internet watching other people live their lives. It started with a few, and multiplied over time. His interests developed and his love for some things grew while others diminished. Over time, he got better at hiding his nerdy and obsessive side. He never wore their merch outside of his house, and he kept the talking about them to a minimum. Only mentioning someone when a fan brought them up first. He used secret side accounts for Twitter, Tumblr, and YouNow. He has kept a tight leash on himself lately.

Over the years his favorite YouTubers have come and gone. Constantly altering as he changes and as they, themselves, change. Dan has always had one constant: AmazingPhil. Phil Lester has been his favorite YouTuber since 2006, when Dan was only 15 years old. Phil was 19 years old when Dan started watching his videos, and he found the older boy extremely fascinating.

Dan spent endless amounts of time watching his videos and tweeting at Phil trying to get his attention. Phil never seemed to notice. Dan still reads all of his tweets, watches all of his videos, and even follows some fan pages on Tumblr. He does all of these things on his secret side accounts. He knew as soon as he started gaining popularity, after starting his own YouTube channel in 2009, he would have to put a cap on his fangirling.

He woke at midday, around noon, and started his day. He pulled on a jumper, black with long sleeves and a weird zipper that connects his shoulder blades, and a pair of black skinny jeans. He ate a belated breakfast, a bowl of crunchy nut. He placed the half empty box of cereal down on the counter, he had been working his way through this same box for two weeks now. He sat on his crappy sofa, a crease formed in the cushion in the shape of his spine, while he ate his breakfast. His phone pinged with a notification, AmazingPhil tweeted, "Filming a new vid today. Keep your eyes open for that this weekend." He added an adorable cactus emoji onto the end. He liked the tweet from his danisnotonfire account, its no surprise to his hardcore fans that he likes Phil's videos, but none of them know to what extent.

Dan pulls up his own YouTube account, he hasn't uploaded in a month, and he hasn't had a spark of inspiration for his newest video yet. His fans are pretty accustomed to him going long periods of time without uploading, being soothed by his weekly live shows, but they do begin to get restless in the comments after a few weeks of no new main channel content. The comments on his content become a frightening place after a while, so Dan stops reading them after a couple days. He plans to spend his day thinking of different ideas, attempting to find that spark of inspiration he needs to get his ass in gear and record a video.

He finishes off his cereal and assumes his inspiration position, which is very similar to his existential crisis position. Face down on the floor, the only real difference is that when he is contemplating existence, nothing and no body can pull him out of it. When he is planning a video he will have Muse playing in the background and his macbook on the floor in front of him, typically with a blanket thrown over him. The only downside to all of this, is that seeking inspiration, typically leads to an existential crisis.

Dan has what is considered Existential Crisis Depression. This is defined as having many moments at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Dan had his first existential crisis after his first year at uni. He was sitting in his dorm room, preparing for the resit of an exam he had to take in order to begin his second year of law school. He was surrounded by law text books, study materials, syllabi, and a list of exams that he is required to take the following year. His mind was bombarded with a vortex of unfulfilled dreams, questioning what he is doing with his life, and was suddenly struck with a realization. Law was boring as fuck.