Finding the Phandom: A Dan and Phil AU

Chapter 13

"Hey, Dan." The younger man was laying with his head against the older boys chest. Phil's long pale fingers were running through Dan's brown curls. The two were situated in Phil's bed, curled into one another, where they have been for hours. Phil's fingers were lulling Dan into a happy calm. "Bear, are you asleep?"

There was a quite groan from Dan and a mumble, "Yes." Phil chuckled, and ran his fingers through the curls at the base of Dan's neck. 

Phil placed a kiss on the top of Dan's head. "Be my boyfriend?" Dan's eyes sprang open, and his head shot up. His eyes wide and his mouth open, his words failing him. Phil sits up, and pulls Dan into a sitting position as well. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt about it." Phil's voice was soft, and he could see darkness in Dan's eyes, and he wasn't sure why. "It's something I've been thinking about for a while."

"Phil..." Dan wouldn't meet Phil's eyes. His demons swirling in his head again, but he couldn't escape them. He was with Phil, this wasn't his flat, his blade wouldn't be in the bathroom. He could probably find something that could still release some pressure. "What if... what if we do this, and it doesn't work out? I can't..." Dan could find something that could open his flesh, he just has to go find something. But if he leaves Phil will know what's going on. 

Phil's eyes went to Dan's hands, where the younger boy was rubbing his right wrist harshly. Running his hand aggressively up and down his scars, almost willing the pressure to open the healing wounds. "Dan," Phil rested his hand over Dan's hand. Halting the movement from Dan, causing the younger man to look up. "Talk to me, what's going on in that pretty head?"

Dan's eyes are wide, but he knows that he has two options. He can talk to Phil about what he is thinking, or he can run and lock himself in Phil's bathroom and find something to rip open his arm. He looks into the blueish-greenish eyes of the man in front of him, silently noticing that Phil has yellow in his eyes, that is not noticeable in his videos.

"I'm scared, Phil." Dan's eyes are starting to water, he was hitting an edge, and he is without his coping mechanism. "I'm scared that if we try this, it won't work out. Because every other person I have ever cared about has left me. I always fuck it up somehow. I am too needy, or depressing, or I expect too much from someone. I have driven away everyone, my exes, my parents, my friends from school, my friends from uni, my brother, everyone." The tears were flowing freely from his eyes now. "I had no one... I was alone for so long. All I had was the internet. I made my videos, and I watched yours. It was the only light that I had. You were the sunshine in my void.

"Then by some miracle, you found me. I still don't understand how any of this is real, but it is. We found each other, and this last month has been the best month of my entire life. And I want nothing more than to be your boyfriend, your best friend, your constant." Phil brushed the tear from Dan's cheek, wanting to promise him the world, but knowing that he needs to let Dan continue, because if he cuts Dan off, he may not continue.

"I want to be yours, and you to be mine... but I know I'm going to fuck it up. I know that I'm going to do something to ruin this, and the more I give myself to you, the more I let myself love you and realize that this isn't some sick joke, the more it will hurt when this all blows up in my face." Phil pulled Dan into a tight hug, running his hand through Dan's hair. 

When the men pull away, Phil starts talking. "I know you're scared, and I am too. Finding something you care about can be scary, especially when you think about losing that thing. But by shutting yourself out of pursuing something, just because you're scared of losing it, almost guarantees you that you will lose it." Phil guides Dan's chin up, meeting their eyes. "But you aren't going to lose me. Because I want to try this, I want this. I want you. And if it doesn't work out for us, romantically, I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. You're stuck with me, whether you like it or not."