Finding the Phandom: A Dan and Phil AU

Chapter 19

Mrs. Howell had finally realized that Phil was not going to leave the hospital. She had tried on more than one occasion to convince the man to go home, take a shower, change his clothes, and get some sleep. Every time, Phil refused. He still sat by Dan's side, the younger man's hand clutched in his own. 

"Phil, please. He wouldn't want this for you." Mrs. Howell's voice was filled with concern and admiration for the man's determination. "When he wakes up, he will have your head for not taking care of yourself."

"I appreciate your concern, but I can't. I can't leave him again. What if he wakes up when I'm gone, he has to know that I'm here for him." Phil's blue eyes were focused on the man in the bed, whose eyes are closed in a peaceful sleep, as though his life hadn't almost ended a few days ago. "If I go home, and he wakes up while I'm not here, he wont know how much I care."

"Of course he does, hon." She was pacing the room. Mrs. Howell does this a lot, pacing. It turns out that restlessness runs in the Howell family. Dan taps, and his mom paces. "But you're still wearing those bloody clothes, at least go take a shower and change clothes." 

Phil looked down at his attire. His white shirt brown from dried blood, his skinny jeans loose from constant wear. He runs a hand through his fringe, he can feel how thick his hair is with grease. He feels slimey, but he can't go back there. "I can't... His blood..."

Mrs. Howell stills her constant movement, and fixes her eyes on Phil. "Dear, was he in the bath when you found him?" Phil wasn't looking at her, but he could hear her shoes click on the floor, signaling her movement again. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he finally tore his eyes away from Dan's form.

"He was laying on the bathroom floor." Mrs. Howell's brown eyes softened, as she could see it in his eyes. He was reliving the moment.

The entire scene replays in Phil's mind. Waking up in the morning and seeing Dan sleeping happily beside him. Searching the city for black roses, booking a car to drive them to their dinner. He remembers planning out every possible outcome for the talk he was going to have at said dinner. He remembers every detail in perfect clarity, entering the quiet flat, walking past the bathroom, not thinking twice while the love of his life lay bleeding on the floor. He remembers the roses leaving his hand and hitting the ground as he lunges for Dan's body, unsure if he is living or dead. He remembers calling +999, and talking to the operator. And he will never forget the fear in his whole being, as he was unsure if he was going to lose Dan.

These are the images that haunt Phil Lester at all times, and this is why he can't leave. He can't go back to the flat, where Dan's blood still stains the floor, where the blade sits on the ground in the pool of blood. He can't go back and relive the experience again, in even greater detail than what is constantly playing back in his head. 

"I'll send my husband to get you clothes, and we can call someone to clean up the blood." Mrs. Howell was already pulling out her phone to ring someone. "You can shower here, we will convince someone to let you. I would never make you see that again." She places the phone to her ear and begins relaying instructions to the person on the other end of the line, presumable Dan's father. 

~

About an hour later, Mr. Howell entered the room holding a duffle bag full of stuff. Clothes, a toothbrush, shoes, his Macbook, a few pairs on Dan's clothes, deodorant, and miscellaneous other items that Phil would need for a long time stay in the hospital. 

"Thank you, sir." Phil takes the bag from his hand, and begins shifting through the contents. He is surprised to see a small teddy bear in the bag, which Phil recognized immediately. It was the bear that Dan has had since birth. Dan had slept with it for the first 18 years of his life.