Finding the Phandom: A Dan and Phil AU

Chapter 8

A/N: This chapter does contain trigger warnings. Please read with caution, and I will place a bolded '***' before and after the triggering area so that you can skip it if you need to. 

After the first day Dan and Phil had fallen asleep over FaceTime, it became a normal thing. Every evening one of the men would phone the other, and they would chat until they fell asleep. Typically keeping things light and carefree, but occasionally as the sky got darker and the hours got later, one of the two would venture onto a more serious topic of conversation. 

Last night had been one of those nights. Phil had asked about Dan's home life, about his relationship with his family. Dan had been hesitant to answer, but he felt as though he owed it to Phil, and to himself, to let Phil in. So Dan told Phil the whole story. Dan told Phil about University, his first existential crisis, moving back home, his parents disappointment, pushing Adrian away, all of it. 

Well... Almost all of it. Dan left out one major detail, his best kept secret. No matter how much he wanted to let Phil in, he wasn't prepared to let someone see the deepest and darkest part of his life. Dan had his demons, and they were still hidden in the dark, where he planned to keep them for a good long time. 

Phil had listened to Dan's story with sad smile. Phil was glad that Dan had opened up to him, but it broke his heart to image Dan isolating himself from his friends and family, hiding himself from the world under a thinly crafted guise of calm. Phil had wondered how things would have been different if he had noticed Dan's tweets and comments back in 2009. Back before Dan put up his walls to protect himself from the public eye. 

Phil saw the tear shine in Dan's eyes while he talked of his family. Dan tried to hide the tears welling up behind his eyes, and Phil pretended he didn't see them. In reality, Phil had wanted nothing more than to hold the younger man in that moment. Hold him, wipe away his tears, and tell him that everything was going to be alright. But they were on opposite sides of London, in their respective apartments, on their own MacBooks, in their own beds. 

As Phil had fallen asleep, gazing at the already sleeping Dan, he whispered a quiet vow, "Dan, I know you have had a rough go at life. You've been alone for a long time... A very long time. So have I, and I don't want to be alone anymore... And I know you are asleep, and can't hear me right now, but I want you to know this. I don't plan to go anywhere, I want you next to me in my life... And I hope you want that too." He wipes away the single tear that rolled down his cheek. Phil removed his glasses and laid his head on his pillow, glancing at a now blurry Dan. 

"Goodnight Bear."

~

The next three days went by so quickly that it honestly shocked Dan that it had already been a week since he and Phil first started talking. It was now Saturday, meaning that he was meeting Phil in person in 2 days, and Dan was completely mortified.

This was the moment he had been waiting for since he was fifteen years old. He was going to come face to face with the man he has been idolizing since he was still a doll-faced teenage boy. It was all quite surreal, considering Dan still believed he would wake up and this all have been a dream. But against all odds, he wakes up the same way he has the past couple of days, to the sound of Phil's snoring.

Dan glanced at the older man's sleeping form, there was a small wet patch of drool on Phil's pillow. A small smile crossed Dan's face. He ended the call, sending Phil a text that he was sure to receive when he woke up. The text was simple had to take a shower ill call you later. Phil would respond with some emojis when he woke up, as was a common trend for them. 

Phil used a lot of emojis when he texted, similar to when he tweets. Dan finds it endearing, although, very unlike his own typing. Dan opened his iTunes on his iPhone, turning on the La La Land Soundtrack. He removes his clothes and steps into the shower. 

The warm water hits his back in a steady stream. The heat of the shower temporarily soothing the anxiety that has rooted itself into his mind. Dan has spent endless hours terrified of all the possible outcomes of his day with Phil. He was nervous that he was going to fuck everything up. He knew that it was an irrational fear, but he couldn't help his mind from thinking through every single outcome, and his chest feels tighter with every negative outcome he is foreseeing.

He quickly finishes washing up and climbs out of the shower. Toweling off his body and quickly rubbing the water out of his hair. He grabbed a clean pair of underwear, long sleeve shirt, and pair of skinny jeans. He threw them all on and looked himself in the mirror. 

His face was red from the heat of the shower, his brown hair still damp and curling, his eyes were tired from sleep, and there was something about his appearance today that was just wrong. He wasn't sure what is was, but it wasn't setting well with him. He blowdries his hair, and straightens the kinks out of it.

Even without his hobbit hair, something was still wrong. He kept thinking of what Phil might think when he meets him. How he would look through Phil's eyes. How he looks much more awkward and lanky in person than he does through a screen. He has seen the pictures, he knows that he isn't attractive in person. No matter how many crazy fangirls tell him otherwise, he knows the truth. 

*** His thoughts were swimming, his anxiety reeling, the scenarios of what could happen the next few day continued to play through his head, his chest was tight and he couldn't breath. His body was reacting to everything, and Dan didn't know how to handle it. He was nearly to his breaking point, he hadn't reached this point in a while, and it was all building up. He knew he was going to break, and that it was inevitable. 

Demons still swirling in his brain, Dan pushes up the sleeve of his shirt. He can see the thin lines of scars. Some faded from times passing, some purpling as they heal more, some red and raised just beginning the healing process. His mind is muddled and cloudy. He reaches for the tool that caused that destruction, the tool that he used to cause those scars. He found his blade in the drawer, right where it always sets. 

He looks over the shiny metal of the knife, he lays the sharp cool metal against his skin. He begins applying pressure, breaking the skin. As the blood begins to seep out of his skin, the thoughts begin to seep out of his mind. He makes one clean cut across his right wrist, washing the knife, and depositing it back in the drawer.

Dan sits on the floor of his bathroom, letting the cold linoleum cool his legs and butt. He grabs a tissue and dabs at the blood on his wrist. He holds the tissue there until the bleeding has calmed from a steady stream to a slight spotting. He places a bandaid over the cut and pulls his sleeve back over his arm. ***

His mind was clear and he was calm. He made his way to his kitchen, preparing a bowl of crunchy nut when he hears his phone chime. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and is greeted by a barrage of emojis. Phil has woken up, and Dan was glad to be able to talk to him again. With his mind now clear, and the weight on his chest has disappeared, he was ready to face the day. 

~

Phil was getting antsy. It is almost time to post his tweet. It is Sunday, he and Dan have plans to meet up tomorrow at the Sherlock museum, since it is a popular place that they both know, and is pretty close to the middle ground between their flats. Phil was going to post the tweet around noon then he and Dan would sort through the questions this evening over FaceTime and pick out their favorite questions. 

Phil wasn't sure what to expect from his fans, but he was excited to see their creativity shine through. He and Dan decided they were going to keep it a surprise as to who Phil was collaborating with. It would be a fun surprise for their fans. 

Phil drafted his tweet, making sure to use at least two emojis, and checking for typos of any sort. Once he knew his tweet was satisfactory, he hit send.

"Filming a throwback type video tomorrow. Doing a Q&A with a surprise guest! Submit your questions and you'll win a skink! 🦎🎥📱"