I'm Natsu Dragneel

Dear Lucy: Chapter 15

Natsu

That horrible woman wasn't in her office. Carla, wasn't it?

I'm still convinced that she had something to do with Wendy. I trust my instincts! I know that she murdered Wendy and left her in the God damn river!

But things are just turning upside down for me. Heck, why the hell not kill myself!?

No one can stop me from doing it. No one can force me to do this or that. Not anymore.

Not when Lucy's not here anymore. Not when Wendy isn't here.

But why I am so afraid? Why am I hesitating?! Why am I holding back!?

Who am I holding back for? Am I actually afraid of dying?

Do I actually want to live?

No, that can't be it. I don't want to live. I don't want this life anymore. I want to wake up again in another body and start fresh.

To start new. But I hate how I'm hesitating right now.

Dammit!

Yesterday night, I picked up a kitchen knife. Held it in my hands as if I was used to holding a knife. Brought it closer to my chest where my heart was, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The fear of dying and the shaky hands got to me. I dropped the knife and cried. I was upset and frustrated. Just why couldn't I do it!?

Am I doing it for Lucy...or for Wendy?

So, today...I'll try to manage and bleed to death by cutting myself with a razor blade.

I filled up my tub with water and I sat down inside of it, the razor blade in my hands.

I've cut myself before. Why am I shaking!?

Am I scared of facing the pain of the cuts again? Or am I afraid of bleeding to death?

All these questions overflowed my mind. How will it feel like to die? Will you start to lose your vision? Will you just close your eyes as if you were so sleepy and tired?

I breathed in and out, looking at the razor blade. C'mon, Natsu. You got this. Just do it.

"Alright...it's not going to hurt a lot if you just ignore it. Ignore the pain, Natsu." I said to myself,  bringing the blade closer to my wrist.

I pinned it down to my skin, gritting my teeth. I slit my wrist down, groaning in pain.

"Aaghh!! Guuhh!"  I yelled, heavily breathing as small tears escape my eyes.

Blood pours out of my wrist and it landed in the water. Now the water is turning red and I just grit my teeth, trying to ignore the pain.

It hurts really bad. I want it to go away. But it doesn't.

I switch the bloody blade over to my other hand. Now for the other wrist.

I breathed in and out, putting the blade closer to my wrist.

I slit my wrist again, screaming in pain and agony!

"Aaghh!!"

Again, I did the same process I did with my other arm. I breathed in and out and relaxed a bit, ignoring the pain as blood pours down the water.

The pain is real. But it's a relief type of pain. You're letting your life go away from all of the depressing things that happened in your life.

I'm a mess...I'm a mistake in being born in this world. There's no such thing as recovery and getting healed.

Those are a bunch lies and myths.

Suddenly, my breathing calmed and my eyes began to shut close, getting heavier and heavier.

Until, I heard footsteps walking inside my house. If they're thieves, they can go ahead. I won't stop them.

If they have a gun...I'll just smile at them and say thank you for ending my life.

"Natsu! Where are you!?"

That voice...oh, that voice that I wanted to hear in so long. I miss her. I want to kiss her and hug her...but she'll only prevent me from ending my life.

Her voice was near the bathroom door. But all of my senses were slowly fading away like dust.

The bathroom door opens and I heard a gasp. I shut my eyes and my breathing weakened.

"Natsu!! Oh my God, no! Please, be alive! Natsu!"

I felt her hands lift my head up and she was crying, sobbing and trembling.

"Natsu...wake up! Please! I can't lose you! I love you so much! D-Don't die..." She sobs, kissing my forehead.

I love you too, Lucy. I'm sorry. I really am.

I hope that you find someone better than me in the future. I want you to be happy and start a family with that person.

Please...don't forget about me. 'Cause I'm sure that I won't forget about you either.

But sadly...that was all a dream.

It was all planned out in my mind. It was an imagination on how it would feel like to bleed to death.

I sigh as I stare at the ceiling of my room. Everything was silent and peaceful. But it was also depressing to know that you can't do anything with your life.

I'm stuck in my own thoughts. I imagine things like this because I don't have the courage to actually kill myself.

And I hate it.

Maybe...just maybe...I can have someone kill me. Maybe I'll get robbed and they point a gun at me.

Yeah...but when will that come? I really want that to happen so bad!

'Cause if you were to ever get shot at a really sensitive spot, such like the brain or the heart, you'll die in an instant without having to slowly fade away with the wind.

Man, perhaps I should get a gun.

Yeah, I'll do that.

R.I.P