Diary of a Schizophrenic (Maddening Series: Book 1)

February 15, 2011: Tuesday

A/N: Thanks for all the great support so far (: I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story! Please keep the feedback coming <3 Thanks!

February 15, 2011: Tuesday

9:31 PM

Dear diary,

I couldn’t do it. I wimped out. I don’t know what dying feels like, I don’t know what to expect. Is it short? Is it long? Do I see the bright light at the end of the tunnel? Do I follow it? Will there be a waiting line into heaven? How long will I have to wait? Does it even exist?

Or am I going to go to Hell for killing myself? Will I not be forgiven for it? What was the punishment in Hell for killing myself? How long would I have to stay there? Would there be others? Or will I be forever alone there? Will the Devil be there and torture me more? Would I have to stay there forever?

Or will I just become a ghost? Will I wander aimlessly for eternity? Will I watch everyone continue with their lives like they usually do without me? Will I watch them find happiness when I never could? Will I be stuck like this forever, never able to change myself? Do ghosts even exist?

Or will I be reincarnated? Will I be born in another soul’s body, stuck to go through this all over again? Will I have to hate myself again? Will I have to watch myself wither and suffer due to my major flaws? Will I have to suffer seventeen years of life again to come to the same decision and do it over again? Will I have to forever live seventeen years of one life to move on to the next?

Or will nothing happen? Will I have to remain in the darkness of a lonely coffin, forever staring into that darkness? Will I have to forever be alone in a place unimaginable by the colored eye, wanting to see the colored world. Will I never be able to see light again or hear a soothing voice telling me it’ll be okay or that it only gets better from here? Will I be stuck in an unchanging phase, unable to see another face ever again?

Will I wait in death?

Will I suffer in death?

Will I wander in death?

Will I repeat in death?

Will I see in death?

That’s just the thing now. I just don’t know.