A Daughter To Love.. (Amanda Mealing/Casualty Fanfiction)

Accepting Help....

(Amanda's P.O.V)
I'd packed a bag. Put all my clothes in it. I couldn't do it anymore. I'd lost a baby. I'd had a miscarriage.. the worst pain that I went through was losing my baby. I remember delivering... but the cries and cuddles didn't follow. I didn't have that motherly feeling, that "glow", that "oh your child is walking? How cute?" feeling. Every single day felt excruciating. I sat there on my bed. Processing what I was doing. I picked up my bag when I heard a knock at my door. I instantly put my bag underneath the bed. I went over and opened the door... "Hey Mum. How are you?" Milo hugged me and I hugged him back. "I'm fine sweetheart." I wiped my stray tear away. "No mum. You're not fine. Did you and dad have an argument? Is it your hormones?" I smiled at him. "No. We didn't argue. I've just had a bad time that's all." He leaned over my shoulder and he spotted my bag. "Mum? Where are you really going?" I started to cry again. "I'm just going to Grandma's for a few days. Please don't tell the others where I've gone.  I just need time on my own." He hugged me tightly. "I promise I won't tell the others where you've gone. Just text me when you get to Gran's OK?" I nodded and hugged him again whilst I picked up my bag. "Is anyone  downstairs?" I wiped my tear away. "No. I think Mia and Adam are in their room and Dad is working. He'll know you're not here when you get back.' I looked at Milo and placed my hand in his hair. 'I'll see you in a couple of days.' He picked up my bag and took it downstairs and he checked to see if the coast was clear. 'Here. Text me when you get there.' He opened the door and I went to the car..

4 hours later...

I sat in the car... driving through slow traffic.. I sat there, stroking my little bump. Thinking about everything.... the baby scan.... the stillbirth. My pain after giving birth to our child... not hearing this little human cry...... I tried to keep the tears away. The traffic started to slowly filter through, so I was able to get to my mum's. She only lived a few streets away. She'd be happy to see me i'm sure. She'd know exactly what was wrong.. I just wasn't ready to face anyone right now. I looked at my phone as I was pulling up outside the house. I saw 3 texts from the kids and 5 missed calls from Richard... 

hey mum xxx. Where are you? You've not come home. I'm worried. please call me. Mia x

Hey sweetie, where are you? i'm on my way home now. I've missed you. Been trying to call you but it's going straight to your answerphone. Call me x Richard xxx

I got my phone and texted Mia...

Please don't tell Dad or Otis where I am... i'm just not feeling myself. I'm just going to stay at Grandmas for a bit. Kiss Issac for me. xxx

I got my suitcase out and went up to the front door. I knocked on and I heard Mum ask who it was.. 'It's me mum.' She came and opened the door. 'Ahhhh hi sweetheart.' I smiled.. my insides feeling weak. She saw my suitcase. 'Come in darling. It's ok.' I just stood there in the family home that I grew up in. I put my suitcase upstairs in my room and came downstairs. 'I'll make you a cuppa. How are you really feeling darling?' I just cried. 'I have no idea mum. Honestly... i'm like 10 months along and Mia, Milo, Otis and Richard have no idea how i'm feeling... It's normal to be hormonal when you're pregnant right?' She nodded and handed me the mug of coffee.. 'well yes... but have you been feeling more than that?' I nodded. 'Yes. It's like I've been angry, snappy, closed-off... very, very quiet... and like... I keep thinking of when I lost Riley. Like, it was the worst time ever...' Mum just hugged me. 'And i'm guessing you're frightened to lose this little one?' I nodded. We went and sat down in the living room and she asked how the kids were.. 'They are great. You have a new little grandson. His name is Issac and he's absolutely lovely.  Mia is managing with him really well.' Mum looked at me and smiled. 'That's really nice to hear. I should come and stay with you for a couple of days once the baby is born. It will give you and Richard a chance to get back to being a proper couple again. You have to at least  tell him you may be feeling a bit depressed. It's not healthy. And because of your job... your colleagues will know something is wrong. ' I sat there.. not saying a word and feeling like I wanted to just burst into tears. 'I just can't deal with anything mum. Like, inside... i'm frightened, petrified..... but I want to be able to talk to Richard without it becoming a screaming match. I've noticed that i'm not even feeling like us anymore. It really isn't normal.' I felt another tear coming through and mum hugged me and stroked my hair. 'It's alright.... Everything will be ok.'  It was 8pm and mum continued to hold me like a little girl again. 'Are you feeling better sweetheart?' I nodded. 'I'm a little tired. I can feel our little baby moving inside me. She's wondering where her daddy and siblings are.' Mum looked at me and stroked my hair as I sat up... 'Just talk to him.' Speaking of the devil, my phone rang. It was Richard.. 'I'll be in the kitchen.' Mum excused herself. 'Hello? Babe?' I could hear him breathing. 'Hi darling. Don't worry, i'm safe. I'm at my mum's. I just needed to get away.' He took a deep breath. 'Mia told me... It's ok to be scared. I'm here for you. We both know that you're feeling emotional what with the past experience... We'll get through this. We could maybe see someone professional and you could talk to them?' I just cried... The emotion was so built up inside.... 'OK. I will. I'm sorry for not talking to you about this. I just got scared.' Richard started talking about how scared he was, not just for me, but for the baby's safety. 'I completely understand why you decided to leave. I miss Riley too. He was going to be our 3rd little boy.... before we even decided the idea of adoption. We can get through this.' I wiped away my tears. 'Luckily.. I've not unpacked any of my stuff. Mum offered to come and help with the new addition for a few weeks whilst we get everything back to normal.' Richard laughed. 'That would be really nice for the kids. We'd get the couple time back as well.' A grin spread on my face at the thought of his arms being wrapped around me and his lips touching mine. 

'I'll have to say bye to my lovely mother then. I love you.' Richard said he loved me too and I sat there... putting my shoes back on. 'Mum?' She came walking into the hallway. 'Yes sweetie?' I walked over and hugged her. 'Thankyou. I'm going to take your advice and go back home and try to figure things out. We'd still like you to come and stay with us. We've still got extra bedroom that's all set up.' She smiled at me and touched my bump. 'Hey little princess, we'll be spending a lot of time together.' I smiled to myself at the thought of Mum being in grandma mode again. She got my suitcase and put it in the boot of the car and she hugged and kissed my cheek. 'I'll be at yours on Monday morning.' I beeped and started to drive back on to the motorway. I texted Mia... 

hey sweetie. Me and Dad had a chat and i'm on my way home. I need to talk to you guys about something too. xxx See you soon.

(Mia's P.O.V)

I was playing with Issac when I heard my phone. 'GUYS! MUM HAS TEXTED BACK! She's coming home. Are you excited Issac?' He giggled and I heard Milo and Otis come into my room. 'I knew she was off at Grandma's anyway. She'd told me.' I looked at both of them. 'I understand. It also says that she wants to talk to the 3 of us about something.' Dad came in and sat next to me. 'I spoke to her earlier. It's about our other baby. We was going to call him Riley....' We heard the door open. 'Hello? Anyone home?' We all ran downstairs and hugged mum. 'Mum! We are so glad you're back. How's Grandma?' Mum put her suitcase near the wall and walked into the living room. 'She's great. I discussed her coming to stay with us once this little one is born. Me and your dad wanted to talk about something I've been dealing with for quite a while.' Richard took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. 'When I had Milo and Otis, a few months passed and I found out I was pregnant again with a little boy.... we was all prepared, ready to become parents again... then I found myself bleeding heavily at 29 weeks...' I saw mum's face start to crumble... 'Me and your dad eventually found out he'd just stopped breathing inside me. I went on every day thinking he was fine.. kicking... being active... but the warning signs just appeared..

Richard took my hand and he smiled at me.."We'll get through this mum." Otis hugged mum and we all looked on.