We Are Stars | OLD DRAFT

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Moon and Back

Happy birthday to me, I think, enjoying the now-peaceful atmosphere.
   
I left the party what seems like ages ago, although no one seemed to care. Dylan and Caleb haven't sent out a search party yet and none of my friends have called. In fact, my phone has been silent ever since I left.
   
I'm sitting on the porch of my house, looking off into the dying evening. Soon enough, the only color breaching the sky will be black, and all signs of color will wither away until not the slightest streak of red remains. It's nice to be myself, especially now. I've been surrounded by people all day, so this feels like paradise.
   
Few cars drive by as I think about the events from earlier, contemplating long and hard about the mistakes I've made. I count each individual lie like I count sheep, only they aren't white and fluffy. They don't even have a color. Each lie looks and feels cold and naked, causing my mind to shiver. If I could count them backwards and take each of them back, only then would they become sheep. Sweet, innocent, sheep.
   
"Rowen." I snap my gaze upwards like a slitting twig - quick and easy. There, jogging up to me, was Silas.
   
Silas. Why he would seek me out after our argument is beyond my understanding. Though him returning to call out my mistakes one last time seems like the more realistic option.
   
Knowing that I can't take another look of betrayal today, my head slumps back to its previous position, my eyes on my hands which sit in a ball on my lap.
   
"How did you find me?" I ask once I see that he's close enough to hear me.
   
"Your friend Taylor gave me your address," Silas answers. I still don't face him. "She's worried about you, you know. Sam too."
   
I don't answer. I only continue to pretend that he's not standing right in front of me.
   
The beds of grass shrink beneath the weight of Silas' shoes as he takes a few more steps forward. "Why did you leave your party?" he asks.
   
I carelessly shrug my shoulders. "Didn't feel like it was my party. All of those people are strangers to me. And celebration really isn't my cup of tea," I confess. Ever since Danielle's end-of-the-year party at her house on the day of graduation, I decided that I would never go to a party ever again, even if I am the guest of honor. "Why am I even telling you this? Why are you even here?" I ask, finally glimpsing up.
   
"I came to apologize. Back there, I was out of line. I shouldn't have made an already delicate situation harder for you."
   
"No, you were right. I lied right to your face. You've always been truthful with me and I should've been the same for you." Suddenly, I feel as if I'm having a different conversation. Here I am, admitting my faults and talking about honesty when I'm still the one lying my wounded heart out. Silas has been nothing but honest with me since we met, even when the truth hurt both of us. And the worst part is that he thinks I'm being honest in return. He believes everything I tell him, and that basic fact will once again ruin us both.
   
Silas walks closer until his figure is just above mine. His shadow that will soon blend with the night shrinks as he takes a seat beside me on the steps. Our hips slide against one another as he situates himself in a comfortable position. Soon enough, we're both gazing into night's eyes together. "What I just don't get is why you didn't tell me in the first place. What did you think I was gonna do?" he asks.

"Overreact, just like everyone else does," I sigh, not bothering to lie. There's no point. At this point, he would know when I'm leaving something out or replacing it with a fake truth. "A lot of people in my life think that I can't handle myself. They always feel the need to put on a suit of armor and save me like I'm some damsel in distress. I guess I'm just tired of being saved, and I just didn't want to add you to that list."
   
"Is caring about you a crime?" he asks.
   
"No," I answer. "I guess sometimes... I think that I don't deserve to be cared for. There are things that I've done that I'm not proud of, and in the end, I pay the steepest of prices."
   
I find myself beginning to give away more and more hints and pieces to the puzzle that represents my most darkest secret and fear. The more I explain, the more he will begin to piece everything together, only to start a new puzzle and gain more pieces by asking more questions. Why can't I just shut up?
   
Silas leans forwards with his arms entwined on top of his knees, his eyes trying to find mine. "We've all done bad things, Rowen. A way we can make up for them is by letting others help you through the collateral damage," he recites, as if he's reading from a best-selling book of poetry. It seems everything he says should be accompanied by a pair of quotations and pinned to a billboard for all to admire.