We Are Stars | OLD DRAFT

Chapter Thirty-Six: All I Want

Two Years Ago

The kind of silence stirring around me would usually send sharp chills down my spine, though now, it's the only friend I have. I let it caress my skin like a gentle breeze does to a delicate flower petal, as well as use its pale fingers to wipe away the tears tickling my sore cheeks.

My eyes are glued to the windshield of the car, the night clear and mallow as I gaze at the lights below. The car engine isn't running. It hasn't been for a while. For almost an hour now, I've been waiting patiently in the driver's seat, watching through glossy eyes the car lights and city ambience stirring in the distance. I haven't been to this place in a while. It's a popular spot where people from school go for romantic evenings. As for me, it's just somewhere I like to go when I need to think. The same thoughts have been rousing in my head for some time now.

"Don't do this. Don't do this," they whisper into my ears. I don't listen to them.

I slowly unfold my knuckles that clutch the one thing that can solve my problems, my last resort, and my only shot of getting my life back to normal. The white capsules shuttering at the bottom of the orange bottle stare at me, waiting for me to put them into action. It's an action I'm not sure that I'm willing to take, or one that I'm not strong enough to conquer.

Before I know it, more tears take over my vision as they begin to spill from my eyes, each one equaling a single drop of pain drowning my body. Everything about this moment feels wrong. It's as if I'm in the center of a hazy nightmare, or the balance of reality has been upset by the menacing facet of fantasy. If only this one a simple chapter from a fantasy. At least that way, I would be able to end this horrible tail in a way that offers closure instead of additional heartbreak. In the end, everyone would get some kind of a happy ending, and I wouldn't have to do what I'm about to do.

At a leisurely pace, I place an open palm on the heart of my stomach, feeling the heart of another just beneath my touch. It's a heart that I'm about to end myself. I might as well be shoving a knife through my gut. Either way, the ending would be sad and unforgivable. I don't even have to nerve or the courage to say my goodbyes. The only thing that I can say is that I'm sorry.

I hold out the bottle of Avaracil in front of me. These specific tablets belong to Sam's mother. I had asked for these specific ones after week's worth of research.

I remembered how her mother used these to end her pregnancy a few years back. It was during the early stages when she made the discovery. She had never meant to get pregnant, so she was given a drug known as Avaracil to cause a miscarriage. It's supposed to be taken prompt to the beginning stages, so there is a change that it may not work the way I want it to. The thought of ultimately hurting myself has crossed my mind, but it's a chance that I want to take, and one that I will not throw away.

I open the cover to reveal the white tablets within. There's only a few, but it should be enough. Every speck of moisture has now dissolved from my throat and mouth, leaving behind a filthy dryness and reminding me of the water bottle I had brought with me to swallow the medication. I look at both the capsules and the water for over a minute, asking myself if this is something I really want to do. Can I really do this? Can I really end the life of my own child?

I've spent my entire childhood thinking that people I saw on television, the ones that robbed banks and stoll cars, were monsters. Little did I know that I would grow to be the most monstrous of all.

The pills spill into my hand, all six of them. With a drug this powerful, it should take about two or three to successfully terminate a pregnancy. My heart races, churning my insides into a dense array of cramps that scamper into all of my muscles, resulting to more tears.

There's no other way, I tell myself.

With a shaky palm, I place the pile of pills so that only one is in contact with my lower lip, ready to take the final plunge. I'm just about ready to let them all tumble upon my tongue when an unexpected scream outside the metal of my car stops my heart.