Hunters And Foxes

Chapter 28: Food for thought

I wake up with this dark cloud hanging over me. Two years ago today my dad died. Two years ago my mum lost her husband. Two years ago Luca was just about three, he will grow up without a father. Two years ago our daddy's little princess Kyra was seven. The idea of the younger two growing up having known their dad for what seems like only a flash of time. Makes me feel like the rain is beginning to fall from the dark cloud. My Dad was the best Dad in the universe, no doubt about it. There was never a day I felt unloved by him, even when I was a snooty 16 year old. He had this positive aura that everyone loved to be around. He made everyone feel like high priced gold. He was my Dad, my one and only Dad.

The day he died, he made us all breakfast in bed. I had complained about how he hadn't put chocolate chips in the pancakes like he usually did. Instead of appreciating that he had woken up early to do this lovely gesture, I was a spoilt brat. Instead of getting grumpy he smiled, kissed my forehead and said he would make me chocolate chip pancakes for dinner. But he never returned home. The day he died he wrestled with Luca on the living room floor and he told Luca that he was growing up to be the strongest boy he knew. Dad plaited Kyra's hair for her ballet dress rehearsal  for her recital the next week- the one he never got to attend. The day Dad died he kissed Ma's cheek and said they would have a movie date, that he would take out after the kids were in bed. The day Dad died Shaun had called asking if he could take Dad out for lunch the next Wednesday. He wanted help with planning his proposal to Cassia. Because that lunch never came, Shaun still hasn't asked Cassia to marry him. I don't think it's the connotation, I think it's just that Dad's advice was the best advice. The day Dad died Max was leaving after spending a week with us at home. He didn't realise that when he said goodbye it would be the last time. The day Dad died Millie was due for her weekly call home. But because Dad died her call became a drive home. A 5 hour hunting trip turned into a gone forever. It's hard to wrap your mind around that concept.

My Pa was a ray of sunshine to everyone. Even on his bad days he tried his best to stay positive. I never understood how he could do that. Growing up I was the youngest for a long time, when the boys would be playing their Saturday sports games. Pa would take me out for Milkshakes or Hot Cocoa dependent on the weather. We called them Pepe and Papa dates.  To the little me my Pa was the real superman. Pa told used to always tell us "reach for the skies and if you miss you will land among the stars". I never really understood what he meant but now I know that he wanted us to dream big because if we missed we would land in a pool of more opportunities. Pa was the kind of man that would talk to strangers in the supermarket or whenever we went out. He believed those small conversations had a positive domino affect that made many people's day. Right now as I lay in bed with this dark cloud of sorrow looming over me the thought of my sunshiney Pa causes a little bit of the cloud to disappear. I think about the time we went for a run and it started snowing and we were two miles away from home. So we had to stop in a cafe and call Ma to come get us. I think about the time Ma went away on a girl's weekend and it was the first time he had been with Kyra without Ma. He had to bottle fed her and change her nappies just like he normally did. But he got flustered forgetting how each task was done. Nine year old me thought it was hilarious. I think about when Millie went to hospital with Scarlet fever and he stayed home with me and the boys and we played board games all night because we were worried. My Pa was superb.

Two years after my father's death, life has continued. His death hasn't stopped me from achieving great things. I have to remember that I had sixteen years with this wonderful man. Sixteen years worth of incredible memories. Like camping trips at the Lake and the road trips to Harten. I am slowly learning that instead of thinking about the time I have without my father, to think about all the time I did have with him, to have no regrets that will weigh me down. I know that he wouldn't have wanted me to still be sad. It's heart breaking that he won't be there to walk me down the isle at my wedding or meet my children. But I can't let that stop me from doing those things. I mean, I could have my brothers walk me down the isle how unique is that? I struggle to wrap my head around the idea that Ma might eventually find someone else. I don't want her to live the rest of her life alone, but I can't comprehend the thought of someone replacing my father. There are so many people in my life connected to my father. I don't turn into a blubbering mess when I see them because life does go on. It's lovely that my father's parents still come visit us. There's no longer that sad feeling tied to them, they love us dearly and there's no reason they should stop being in our lives. 

As I get ready for the day I think about how I have control over the dark cloud. I can decide whether it stays or whether the sun blows it away. It's sad that Dad has gone, but he hasn't left my heart or my mind. He's alive in my memories smiling and laughing just like always did. Loving, kind, compassionate, encouraging, patient, fun and gentle was my Dad. There's no reason to remember him with sadness when he was the opposite. My dad was an amazing man head to toes.