A Million Reasons (Clony)

Chapter 1:Cassette 1

Click. A tape inserted into a recorder.

Hello. This is, well I think you know who I am. This is how it works: you listen to your tape. Then you pass them on. Simple? Right? NO. I am doing this because I just cannot live without someone even if I contributed to her killing herself. Many of you on here know why I am doing this, THIS way. Some of you did nothing wrong but I just have to tell you something.

My voice became shaky so I took a moment and continued.

The death of my favorite person, Hannah Baker, the person I loved. Love. Affected me so much more personally and EVERYONE seemed to care after they heard the news. That annoyed me the most. People that didn't even know her. EVERYONE IS JUST SO NICE UNTIL THEY DRIVE YOU TO KILL YOURSELF. I yelled in the microphone and hoped my parents didn't hear. Then there were the people who did know her. Justin Foley. That's right. Your the first one on my tapes too. Same premise. There will be a copy of these tapes as well.

Justin, I don't and never will forgive you. I know you think what you did was insignificant to her decision, but it's not. You just let that picture float around. You didn't even try to stop it. But even worse. You still defend a rapist. A person who raped your own girlfriend. And Hannah. That was your biggest mistake. I could live with her being happy with someone else. But she was miserable and she pushed me away. I'm not saying what I did was not wrong either. I should have stayed with her. But I did what I was asked to do.

I stopped the recording. I don't know how that went. It's been a while since I've heard her tapes. Since I heard her voice.

"Dinners ready honey!"

"Coming mom!" I yelled though my door. They didn't even know what I was thinking. They probably thought all this Hannah stuff has blown over already. But they don't know how much it boils under my skin. Sure, they have taken precautions: my door has too be opened now, I can't take too long of showers. The bathroom only has shampoo, bodywash, toothpaste, and toothbrushes. No pills. No razors. No possible way for me to kill my self like Hannah. At least it was the most painless way she chose. Pills. At least she didn't cut herself. I even have. Secretly. On my thigh, so my parents don't know, only three simple lines. The only thing holding me back is my parents. I still see how Mr. and Mrs. Baker are affected. Her mom still visits the school to see if there is any more evidence to why Hannah did it. And I have the evidence. Should I have turned in the tapes to her? Sure, they may hate me afterwards. But I didn't know them. I knew their daughter. I got up from my chair trembling like an earthquake was controlling my muscles. I put on my best smile and went to eat dinner with my parents.

When I came back I undressed and flopped on my bed. I had my knees up and was on my phone. At Hannah's contact. The last thing she said to me. I looked at my thighs and the shallow cuts on them. I couldn't go any farther. I don't know how people did this. The three cuts formed a capital "H." I only did it so I could always be reminded.

I had gotten my tapes from the Bakers store. I have no idea how many I'll make. But what hurt me the most is when Mrs. Baker told me that was the last thing Hannah took from the store. They will probably never even know what they were for. My parents probably will never know either. Probably never know I loved Hannah. Probably never know what people did to me at school. Probably never know that I like boys too. Probably never know why I want to do it. And that destroys me. I cannot even be myself. The only real friend I have is Tony, maybe Skye too, but I haven't talked to her in years. Why do I want to commit suicide? This is why.

Yeaaaaaa another one. Woooo!
I am in love with this book and I wondered what happened after. Ugh. I really thought Clay was going to commit suicide when I was reading the book so he is suicidal in this. Also bi. And he likes a mystery man that will be revealed later. Though his name will be in every chapter so if you look closely you'll probably figure it out. :) bye!