A Million Reasons (Clony)

Chapter 5:Cassette 3

"Where do you want to talk? Do you want to get ice cream or something?"

I shook my head."we can just go to my house, and..... talk?"

"And talk." He repeated and turned down my street.

"About what?" I asked, knowing the answer.

"I think you know what." He knows. He knew my secret before I knew it myself. I looked at my feet and blushed.

"Clay, its fine." He patted my shoulder.

Jeff turned the car into the driveway and took my bike out of his trunk. My parents aren't even home. I unlocked the door with a spare key that is under a small potted plant.

"You saw NOTHING Jeff!" I exclaimed putting the key back, making sure no one was looking.

"I saw nothing." He repeated while crossing his heart. I laughed and he chuckled. I walked inside to see a note on the counter.

We just ran to get groceries. Should be back soon.
                                          -mom

"Parents not here?" He asked, dropping his bag to the ground. His computer hit hard, the noise echoing through the house. "Shit! I forgot that was in there." I laughed again.

"Come on. Let's go up to my room I.. guess?" I said already walking up the stairs, almost tripping. God what is wrong with me today. I opened the door and he followed me in, then I closed it behind us even though my parents want it closed. Old habits die hard.

He sat on my bed, and I awkwardly stood in front of him swaying side to side on my feet.

"Clay, come on, sit." He put his hand next to him and I sat there.

Silence. I could hear his breathing combined with the erratic beating of my heart.

"Clay." He said after the longest minute of my life. "You, you know it's okay to like guys right?"

I turned to him. How did he know. If he knew, does everyone know?  "I don't know how to feel anymore." I felt rivers flowing down my face.

"Clay what do you mean by that?" He questioned, not looking away from me. But I couldn't look at him back. I looked everywhere but at him.

"I mean... I have liked, love, two people that I would want to have forever with and I can't have them."

"Who Clay?" He continued to look at me. God I must look so terrible. "I'm sorry if I'm prying but you need to get this out."

"Who do you think, Jeff? Hannah Baker and Tony." My gut stung. I groaned and hugged my stomach.

"Clay. Clay! Are you okay?" He asked as I fell into him. I sobbed into his chest. He laid down so it wouldn't be in such a awkward position. I stayed there.

"Why does it...hurt so... much." I whimpered. Every few words there was one of those terrible hiccups during crying.

"I don't know, Clay. If I knew, I would tell you."

"I just wish I could see her. Just one more time. Even if we didn't speak. She was so beautiful and EVERYTHING about her was perfect! She didn't deserve that! AND I COULD HAVE STOPPED HER, AND I COULD HAVE LOVED HER!" I screamed into him. "But I was too afraid."

"Shhhh." He ran his hands through my hair. Then everything went black.

~*~*~*~

"Clay." He whispered. "Clay I have to go now. It's almost 6."

I groaned. "Five. More. Minutes." I tightened my grip around him.

"Fine. But only five." He said and I laughed.

~*~*~

"Okay Clay. I really have to go."

"Okay."

"Please don't start that Fault in our Stars shit with me Clay." He teased.

"Okay." I laughed.

"Oh you want to laugh now?" He tickled me. I felt like I was dying. But a good dying. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks.

"S-S-st-STOP!" I screamed. Stuttering from the attack.

"Fine. Your no fun." He made a face. I made one back. "Want to walk me out?"

"Sure."  I got up and stretched. And we walked out my room. And down the stairs. Then out the front door. I hugged him before he got in his car. "Jeff, thank you for, uh, helping me back there. Drive safe Jeff."

"No problem Clay. Anything you need." He drove off. I watched his car zoom out of sight. Then I walked back inside.

"The girl--------- herself, she didn't just die! She ------ her fucking ------- Matt. I can't take this case." I heard my parents arguing. I guess about the law suit.

"Lainie, its your job."

"It is not my job to smear a girls reputation even more. And, did you not hear our son up there? He was bawling his fucking eyes out because of her!"

"Your not taking the case?" I butted in.

"Clay, honey. Just go up to your room and we can talk later."

"No. I'm tired of being treated like a little kid. I know, way, WAY more than you think!" I yelled. I would have stormed out. But I ran up to my room to grab something first. Then I bolted. I ran out of the house, grabbed my bike and rode off.

~*~*~*~*~

Click.

Jeff Atkins. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Look at that, present tense. Can't do that anymore. You probably don't understand this, but I need you to know. You are one of the best people I know in this shit town. You are probably the best person other than Tony. Hell, your nicer, as in not as sarcastic as him. And sweet. And cute. I whispered into the recorder. I never expected for you to be the best friend I have ever had. I'll never know, I guess. But I have a feeling, only a feeling, that you like guys too. Maybe, in another universe, this could have gone different. It can't now. You just need to know, you had no effect whatsoever on what happened to me. In fact. You were the light at the end of the tunnel I can never reach. I love you Jeff. Okay?

Wow. Another chapter. By the way, Clay only has four more tapes to go. So prepare. There will probably be more chapters that don't feature a tape so it might take a while. But, in the words of Scar "BE PREPARED!"
~Jonathan