Playing With Fire

Reality Check

Life tends to do bad things to the best of people. Or at least that's how it felt to Sawyer. His job was at a job point. He was a very well known and respected doctor. 

But no one really knew him. No one knew the side of him that went out and did things that most doctors could never dream of doing. 

Could he really go back to that life. The one that had resulted in the death of her.

 Was it really worth it?

And what about Ben. His son was also there, but so was the longing to leave. To get the hell out of there as fast as he could. 

To get back to the life he loved. To the life that he hid dfrom the rest of the world. From everyone, even his family. 

Miami didn't seem like to bad of a place. It was where his life had really started. Where he had gone to med school, but also a lot more than just that. 

Of course he would never share that, he couldn't. 

How did you go up to your parents. "Hey mom and dadd, I kill people for a living. See you at Christmas," he thought. 

It made him laugh.

Before Sawyer really started thinking. What was stopping him from just up and leaving. Ben and work. Both could be removed. Ben could live with his grandparents or uncle, and work could always just fire him. Or he could quit. 

Why was it always so dangerous when he thought?

"I'm free," he mumbled ever so slightly. The thought setting in.  Hee could be free. 

Sawyer had all the money he needed to start and new life in a new place. It alsos helped that he was a people person that knew very well had to fit in, and act natural. He could take a full time contract with Sabre again. 

It didn't matter any more. 

How people could change their mind's within seconds. 

The plan was set. But he couldn't could he? Emily was still his wife, and they had a child. Ben was still his responsibility. Or was he. 

Sawyer felt somethign wet slide down his face, and when he looked at mirror in hall, he saw that they were tears. Why was he crying? 

How had Emily loved him in the first place? How did anyone love him, or was it all for show. He had faked love before many times. It wasn't that hard, you just had to get used to it.

"How am I even alive, I thought life was saved for those who deserved it," he yelled into the ceiling. Sawyer wasn't a holy man, how could he be? But at this moment all he could think of was the single question he needed the answer to. 

Walking to the bar that connected to the kitchen, he pulled out a bottle of Vodka and opened it. He found that alcohol tended to work better than most anti-depressants. 

This was going to be another very long night. 

A/N: Yes I do realize that this chapter bounces everywhere, with no real order. It's meeant to mimic Sawyer's thoughts.