Leah and Trent

Chapter Twenty

November 13 2016 - Sunday

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Leah

(Song: Talking To Myself by Gallant)

I had read and heard a lot of people, over the years, talk about life as if it was a path or a road, but sometimes I felt like those people were wrong. Everything was too crazy and chaotic for life to be like a road. Life was more like outer space, with things hurling here and there from every which way. Danger and uncertainty always being present even if it was silent and spacious. Nothing was ever perpetually constant in space, not even the stars that people wished on and looked to for answers. Their time was ticking just like those that gazed and watched them from afar. But people still looked up at them and the wonders of space relying on their current beauty and luster. That to me was a closer model of life. Beauty. Uncertainty. Danger. Chaos. Nothing like the bleak consistency of a road.

I was beginning to feel more and more like I was floating in space. I couldn't even begin to understand why Trent had exploded in the library. Or why I had reacted the way that I did. I figured it wasn't anything serious; I only hyperventilated because of the situation. Still, I spent days looking up information on hyperventilation and panic attacks. I had already known most of the information from the books in my mom's library. But looking over the information felt different now that it applied to me personally.

I wanted to be positive about things with Daniel, but I knew the issue would come up again. I mean it wasn't like it was an issue, but it was a thing between us. No matter how much I tried to think through everything and reach some type of resolution, I still had the same crippling thoughts. I always ended up forcing myself to think about something else.

"What's the answer to the fifth question?"

"What?" I questioned.

"Sheesh, are you even paying attention?" Brittany asked me, throwing a pillow at my head. I was slow to catch it, so it lightly tapped the side of my face before I held it to my cheek. "What, are you dozing off?"

"No," I said placing the pillow next to me on the floor. I was sitting on the floor with Brittany, in her room. She had asked if I could help her study because she was starting to feel left behind in her classes. We usually studied together every now and then, every year. It was like a custom we had.

I tried to focus on the task at hand. After all, I was supposed to be helping Brittany. She relied on me, but my mind kept fleeting. And even Brittany kept getting sidetracked, talking about different rumors she heard around school. I didn't know any of the people she was talking about until she started talking about the other cheerleaders. I was certain that Brittany wasn't aware that I didn't care about gossip, but she always seemed to love talking about it. She had this unchained excitement as words flew out her mouth. Once Brittany ran out of recent gossip, she started talking about the cheer competition that was in December, but I didn't completely care about that either.

"Do you ever get uncomfortable around people?" I asked out of the blue. Brittany scoffed and then grinned widely.

"Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all." It quickly registered that I forgot who I was talking to. Calling Brittany a social butterfly was an understatement. She was the most carefree person that I knew, possibly in the entire world. She was friends with everybody at school, and I was pretty sure that she was capable of being friends with anybody.

"I was just wondering."

"Hmm, let me think," she said sarcastically. "No."

"But. How do you- How are you so comfortable around people?"

"I don't know, I just am. Maybe cause I like to talk so much. That's what my mom says."

"But. . ." I couldn't spit it out. I tried to word what I wanted to say a million times in my head, but I couldn't settle on anything. Nothing sounded right. And I couldn't get myself to say it.

"You know, you're acting really strange. And you literally never act strange." I stared at the textbook in my hands and gripped my hands around its edges. "What is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Tell me. . .tell me, tell me, tell me."

"No, it's nothing."

"If you're uncomfortable around people it's probably because you overthink everything. You're really smart, but you're never laid back about anything. Just try to relax." Daniel's voice seemed to resonate in Brittany's words. Even if my mind turned away from those words, it made sense. I was never relaxed. I had a process of thinking over things ten-twenty times. Sometimes I couldn't stop myself from thinking. Maybe I was overthinking things with Daniel, just like I overthought everything. Maybe I needed to just relax.

(Song: White Houses by Vanessa Carlton)