The Stranger

12

After the dinner at Matt's apartment, everything has changed for us.

Every day, we have taken a step forward in our friendship. He has put down his walls, and I have put down mines. We meet for a coffee or for a beer at night. Sometimes, Matt cooks for me, and I kept my promise, buying amazing socks for him.

Some socks have lions on it and others tigers: animals who reflect his personality to perfection. If I look at him, I can see a handsome lion, with a thick, blonde mane.

In the beginning, he wasn't happy about my present, but with strong persuasion, I convinced that donkey to try them on, and now, he only wears the ones I bought for him.

We have a great time together, and I am happy because he doesn't feel the urge to run away from me anymore. He has become more and more accustom to my presence in his life and doesn't see me like a treat arrived to destabilize the world that he build up with big efforts.

During one of our night out, Matt confessed to me that he is scared of new people. He said with a hint of fear in his voice: "They arrive in your life without a notice, and like a hurricane, they erase all the things that are important to you." And I can understand why he doesn't trust people. The two people who were supposed to protect him stabbed Matt in the back.

With that statement, I understood a lot of things about Matt and his behavior towards me. Trust is a big issue for him. But thankfully, he accepted my presence, even though, I can see that he doesn't trust me one hundred percent. We are building our relationship like a house, placing one upon another brick after brick, slowly and patiently.

The most important thing is that he answers my calls and my messages, instead of avoiding me like he did before.

I know that he has a lot of secrets that doesn't share with anyone, and I can't force him to reveal them to me. But I am satisfied just with the guarantee that he knows that I am here, waiting for a word. I don't even comprehend why I feel this deep need to stay closer to Matt, to see him, talk to him about every stupid detail of my life: the day at work; some stupid shit that my students told me or simply what I have eaten. And I want the same thing from him. Obviously, Matt complains all the time, saying that I am not normal. «Who want to share a boring day with you?» he complains with a frown. But, when I don't call him or I don't blabber about my day, I see his restless gaze following all my moves, until he can't take it anymore, and with a defeated expression, he pops out his curiosity. At that moment, I can't be more satisfied with myself, because are very rare the occasions where Matt shows interest for my life and for me. I am always the one who starts a conversation or display my feelings. He seems constantly hidden behind a veil, and when he comes out, most of the time, there is a thick mask covering his true face. My mission impossible every single day is to burn that veil and destroy the mask. And I can affirm resolutely that this mission is extremely tough.

There are days that I kick and punch for break the damn veil, but my efforts are useless. Matt stubbornness and self-preservation are too strong to demolish. He simply puts an iron face on, and there is no strategy good enough for me. I can only shut out loud my defeat and hope to be lucky the next time.

In those moments, I ask myself: why the effort; why the struggle; why the need; why this unreasonable urge to stay by his side, to comfort him, and share his pain. It's a need so powerful that I can't control. A necessity that I didn't feel for Josh or for anyone else. A strange and unknown emotion that accompany my heart at every beat, even during my sleep. An emotion that I am not capable of dealing with. So, for now, the only thing I can do is to ignore it and act as if what I feel is normal. A normal, mundane friendship.