Ask Me Anything

Chapter 11 - Melancholy and Mixed Drinks

The rain is back. After lunch with Jas, I spent about 3 hours engrossed in video games and now I've been laying on my couch for an additional 3 hours doing little more than staring at the ceiling. I feel so ridiculous. My world should not collapse because one girl didn't return one text. But yet it somehow does. I have no idea how guys like Heath do it. So good with words that all of the girls believe whatever he says, and sometimes even the things that he omits. It's like he feels nothing but I feel everything.

I feel so painfully out of place. Why is this all so easy for other people? What happened today is exactly why I prefer to fade into the woodwork. The more you talk to people, the more connections you make, the more you are involved, the higher the chance of feeling exactly like I feel right now. Twenty-four years old and I could count the number of girls I've kissed on one hand. I've seen my bandmates kiss more than that in one night. Not that I was dying to meet any of the girls in the audience anyway. I had tried to mingle after shows when we were just starting out, but the girls, assuming I was a typical guy, always started off with overtly sexual pickup lines and advances. Frankly, they scare me. Where are the girls who are interested in what I read and maybe some video game strategy? Unfortunately, they are apparently not in our audiences. Or if they are, they are just as timid and lost in the crowd as I am.

The songs I sing are for a girl who isn't there. At least that's what I've been thinking this entire time until I saw the Instagram picture of Lena and I together. It made me realize that maybe she was there all along and I didn't even notice. Which is ironic, since I'm the one who puts so much effort into not being noticed.

My phone buzzes and I dive for it. Relief floods me when I see her name.

Lena: I like sprite with vanilla vodka. It tastes like crème soda.

Me: Are you mad?

Lena: I guess a little. It just wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.

Me: I'm sorry.

Lena: Can I ask you something?

Me: Anything.

Lena: Will you give me a straight answer?

Me: Yes.

Lena: What are you scared of?

Me: Pretty much everything.

Lena: No. seriously. What are you scared of?

Me: I am being serious. I'm scared that there is something wrong with me. I'm terrified of being alone, but at the same time I'm terrified of people and their expectations and my inability to meet them. People expect me to be a certain way and then they're disappointed when I'm not the way they imagined.

Lena: is that why you don't want me to meet you tomorrow night?

Me: one of the reasons, yes.

If she likes me, it needs to be about me, not the version of me on stage. The guy on the couch. The guy playing video games. The guy who is scared of people. I can't stand the thought of her looking at me with a face full of disappointment when she finds out what I'm like when I'm not behind a guitar and microphone. Everyone wants the guy who is the star and center of attention, not the one who is painfully awkward and wants to fade into the crowd.

Lena: you aren't the only one who gets scared though. Can you keep a secret?

I smile at her rapid fire questions.

Me: yes

Lena: The reason I work in a book store is because I turned down 2 other job offers. When I went to art school in Kansas City, I had friends there already so it felt safe. The offers were in other states. I was too scared to go by myself so I told everyone I couldn't find a job and came back to Columbus.

Me: I really do understand that. Bravery is not my strong suit either.

Lena: have you ever been in love?

Me: no. have you?

Lena: yes.

I feel my heart and stomach twist. I try to remind myself that I have no right to feel jealous, but yet there it is.

Me: what happened?

Lena: I fell in love with the wrong person.

I reread her text. I pause and try to think how to respond.

Me: what did being in love feel like?

Lena: It was great, until it wasn't. That probably doesn't make much sense, does it? Things were either wonderful or horrible. There was never getting to just enjoy normal everyday life with someone that you loved. It was all extremes and nothing in between. I was in love, but not happy. Love isn't supposed to be easy, but it also wasn't supposed to be that hard.

Lena: Can I ask one more question?

Grinning, I know that she will always be more than one more question.

Me: as many as you want

Lena: You said people expect you to be a certain way? Why?

Me: I guess I'm just not....typical?

Lena: That's a good thing, not some sort of tragic flaw.

Me: I wish everyone thought like that.

Lena: I think that way. Sometimes one person is enough.

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. Tears had been threatening all day, but that was enough to put me over the edge.

Lena: Are you real?

Me: I am very real. I promise.